tiltjlp
PN co-founder
- Joined
- Jun 9, 2003
- Messages
- 3,403
- Reaction score
- 145
- Points
- 65
- Favorite Pinball Machine
- Flying Trapeze 1934
Hey Bob, more e-mail jokes
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says,
"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother
and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about," the son yells.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,"
the old man says. "We're sick and tired of each other,
and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister
in Chicago and tell her."
And he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister,
who was equally agitated on the phone. "Like heck they're
getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately and yells at her dad,
"You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing
until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both
be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing,
DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife with a smile.
"They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
####################
>
> > For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot on their
> >foreheads. We have naively thought it had something to do
> >with their religion. The true story has just been revealed
> >by the Indian Embassy in Washington.
> >
> > When one of these women gets married, on her wedding night
> >the husband scratches off the red spot to see if he has won a
> convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, or a motel.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the
woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet
I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come
shopping with me, and I figured this was the most
evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax
pour it onto your upper thigh,
rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with
communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the
instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know
the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man,
"Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and
whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down
the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can
help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of
tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct
aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for
some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent
my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an
argument and neither of them wanted to concede their
position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many
words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we
have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
______________________________________________
T.G.I.F. vs S.H.I.T
A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde
already inside who greeted him with a bright,"T-G-I-F." He smiled at
her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked puzzled, and repeated,
"T-G-I-F," more slowly, He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest
smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain,"'T-G-I- means
'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says,
"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother
and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about," the son yells.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,"
the old man says. "We're sick and tired of each other,
and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister
in Chicago and tell her."
And he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister,
who was equally agitated on the phone. "Like heck they're
getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."
She calls Phoenix immediately and yells at her dad,
"You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing
until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both
be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing,
DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife with a smile.
"They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
####################
>
> > For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot on their
> >foreheads. We have naively thought it had something to do
> >with their religion. The true story has just been revealed
> >by the Indian Embassy in Washington.
> >
> > When one of these women gets married, on her wedding night
> >the husband scratches off the red spot to see if he has won a
> convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, or a motel.
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the
woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet
I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come
shopping with me, and I figured this was the most
evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax
pour it onto your upper thigh,
rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
MARRIAGE SEMINAR
While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with
communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the
instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know
the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man,
"Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and
whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.
CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down
the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can
help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of
tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct
aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for
some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent
my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an
argument and neither of them wanted to concede their
position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many
words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we
have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
______________________________________________
T.G.I.F. vs S.H.I.T
A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde
already inside who greeted him with a bright,"T-G-I-F." He smiled at
her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked puzzled, and repeated,
"T-G-I-F," more slowly, He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest
smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain,"'T-G-I- means
'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday