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A few risque Jokes (not too bad)

panda55

Pinball Wizard
A Bit Naughty

NIGHTMARE #1

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over,
pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There
might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened
the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting
neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. naturally, the
guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend
then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his
ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered g uy. Calmly,
the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."


NIGHTMARE #2

The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to
think of a way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and
found his wife asleep in bed. He thought to himself, "what should I
do?" "Oh-I know." He proceeded to get under the covers and go down
on his wife. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure.
After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed.
Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his
teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife
there shaving her legs. He exclaimed, "What are you doing in
here?!?" She said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your
mother"


NIGHTMARE #3

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to
kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling
a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand
against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you
give me a blow job?" Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My
parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this
hour?" He asks grinning at her. "No, please. Can you imagine if we
get caught?" "Oh come on! There's nobody around, the y're all
sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I
love you so much?!?" "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just
can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?" Out of the blue, the light on the
stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair
disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead
and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says
she can come down herself and do it But for God's sake tell him to
take his hand off the intercom!"

============================================================================

A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful..."Hey!" he says "Are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my @rse?"

"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher."

=============================================================================

Isn't Sex Funny

SOCIAL SECURITY SEX


Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm
having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get
a little each month, but not enough to live on!"


LOUD SEX


A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem,
doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this
ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely
natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she
complained, "It wakes me up!"


QUIET SEX


Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you
have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never
home!"


CONFOUNDED SEX


A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn
from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him
back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since
it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for
"small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would
want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his
wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and
explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the
man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the
doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".



WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX


A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she
replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My
Husband - Stiff At Last.'"



WOMEN'S HUMOR


Nora's husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make
you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, she
squirted it all over the doorknobs and he couldn't get back in.



A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world." The woman says..... "I'll miss you."
 

panda55

Pinball Wizard
A young man is on a date with a young woman and they go parking.
After some heavy petting the young man asks the young woman for oral
sex. "No", says the young woman, "you won't respect me." So the
young man is content to wait.

After they had been dating a few months, the young man again asks the
young woman for oral sex. Again she replies, "No, you won't respect me."

Eventually the two get married and the husband asks his bride
"Honey, please, we're married now. You know I love you and respect
you. Can we please have oral sex?". "No", she says "I just know
that if I do that you won't respect me." So the man waits.

and waits...

and waits....

After 20 years of marriage the man says, "Honey, we've been together
20 wonderful years now. We've raised three beautiful kids. You
KNOW that I love you and respect you completely. How about oral sex,
just once???? Please??????" and the wife finally gives in to her
husband's wish and peforms oral sex on him. After she is done they
are lying in bed relaxing and the telephone rings. The husband turns
to his wife and says, "Answer that you cocksucker."

=======================================================

Three women are being interviewed for the same secretarial job. The final
question of each interview is, "If you were accidentally overpaid $100 one
week, what would you do?". The first woman says, "Oh, I would immediately
report it, Sir!". The second woman says, "Well, I would write a memo to
payroll, but make it `low priority'." The third woman says, "Well, Sir,
in all honesty, I would keep the money and but myself a new outfit."

So who gets the job?

The one with the biggest tits!
 

panda55

Pinball Wizard
An elderly couple went into a doctor. They told the doctor "We're having
some touble with our sex life. Could you watch and offer some suggestions?"

The doctor replied, "I'm not a sex theripist. You should find someone else."

The couple said, "No, No, we trust you."

After watching them have sex, the doctor said, "You don't seam to be having
any troubles. I wish my sex life was as good. I can't give you any
suggestions."

This was repeated the next week and also the third week. After they had
finished on the third week, the doctor said, "You aren't having any trouble.
Is this your idea of kinky sex?"

The man replied, "No, actually the problem is if we have sex at my house, my
wife will catch us. If we have sex at her house, her husband will catch us.
The motel charges us $50, and we can't afford that. You only charge $35, and
medicare pays half of that."

=======================================================

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed
an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an
exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn,
then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we
sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better
to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

=======================================================
 

panda55

Pinball Wizard
While going through his wife's dresser drawers, a farmer discovered
three soybeans and an envelope containing $30 in cash. The farmer
confronted his wife, and when asked about the curious items, she
confessed:
"Over the years, I haven't been completely faithful to you, but when
I did fool around, I put a soybean in the drawer to remind myself of my
indiscretion", she explained.
The farmer admitted that he had not always been faithful either,
and therefore, was inclined to forgive and forget a few moments of
weakness in his wife.
"I'm curious though," he said, "Where did the thirty dollars
come from?"
"Oh that," his wife replied, "Well, when soybeans hit ten dollars
a bushel, I sold out!"

=======================================================

A woman went to her doctor for a followup visit after the doctor
had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a
little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but
I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair
in places that I've never grown hair before."

The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal
side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"

"On my balls."

=======================================================
 

panda55

Pinball Wizard
A few more
 

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panda55

Pinball Wizard
Again ... (I'm not sure if I may have posted it before, but hey, it's still funny !!)

Out of the Mouth of Babes
=======================

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it as dead.
"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil
"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child
innocently
You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
"You know, explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and
it didn't move."
 

panda55

Pinball Wizard
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some limes and eats them; he then jumps onto the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screamed at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?" said the guy.

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the patron. "He eats everything in sight! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finished his drink, paid the bill and left the bar.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.

He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"Now what?" inquires the patron.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it." says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

(ouch !!)
 

panda55

Pinball Wizard
Girls Night Out

Two women, who had been friends for years, decide to go for a Girls
Night Out, and were decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails.

Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom.

They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do
their business behind a head stone or something.
The first woman had nothing to dry herself with she thought she'd take off her panties, usethem, throw them away.

Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. So she dried herself with the ribbon.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "This girl's night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came home with a
card stuck to her bum that said, " FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE
STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU".

==========================================================

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four hour operation.

A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look and says,"There's nothing wrong with them!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says very slowly, "That was very nice but listen very, very closely - are... my... test...results...back?"
 

panda55

Pinball Wizard
Welfare Humour

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter and says "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job
opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes, credit cards, money.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.
You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year".

The guy says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
 
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