panda55
Pinball Wizard
- Joined
- Oct 24, 2004
- Messages
- 178
- Reaction score
- 3
- Points
- 20
A Bit Naughty
NIGHTMARE #1
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over,
pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There
might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened
the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting
neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. naturally, the
guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend
then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his
ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered g uy. Calmly,
the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
NIGHTMARE #2
The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to
think of a way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and
found his wife asleep in bed. He thought to himself, "what should I
do?" "Oh-I know." He proceeded to get under the covers and go down
on his wife. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure.
After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed.
Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his
teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife
there shaving her legs. He exclaimed, "What are you doing in
here?!?" She said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your
mother"
NIGHTMARE #3
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to
kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling
a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand
against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you
give me a blow job?" Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My
parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this
hour?" He asks grinning at her. "No, please. Can you imagine if we
get caught?" "Oh come on! There's nobody around, the y're all
sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I
love you so much?!?" "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just
can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?" Out of the blue, the light on the
stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair
disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead
and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says
she can come down herself and do it But for God's sake tell him to
take his hand off the intercom!"
============================================================================
A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry do you know me?"
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful..."Hey!" he says "Are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my @rse?"
"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher."
=============================================================================
Isn't Sex Funny
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm
having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get
a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem,
doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this
ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely
natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she
complained, "It wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you
have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never
home!"
CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn
from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him
back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since
it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for
"small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would
want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his
wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and
explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the
man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the
doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she
replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My
Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
WOMEN'S HUMOR
Nora's husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make
you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, she
squirted it all over the doorknobs and he couldn't get back in.
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world." The woman says..... "I'll miss you."
NIGHTMARE #1
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over,
pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There
might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied. He opened
the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting
neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. naturally, the
guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend
then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his
ear. "Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered g uy. Calmly,
the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
NIGHTMARE #2
The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to
think of a way to rekindle it. One night he came from work, and
found his wife asleep in bed. He thought to himself, "what should I
do?" "Oh-I know." He proceeded to get under the covers and go down
on his wife. Soon she began to gently squirm and moan in pleasure.
After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed.
Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his
teeth. When he got there, the light was on and he saw his wife
there shaving her legs. He exclaimed, "What are you doing in
here?!?" She said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, "You'll wake your
mother"
NIGHTMARE #3
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to
kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling
a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand
against the wall and smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you
give me a blow job?" Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My
parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this
hour?" He asks grinning at her. "No, please. Can you imagine if we
get caught?" "Oh come on! There's nobody around, the y're all
sleeping!" "No way. It's just too risky!" "Oh please, please, I
love you so much?!?" "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just
can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?" Out of the blue, the light on the
stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair
disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says, "Dad says to go ahead
and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says
she can come down herself and do it But for God's sake tell him to
take his hand off the intercom!"
============================================================================
A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry do you know me?"
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful..."Hey!" he says "Are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my @rse?"
"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher."
=============================================================================
Isn't Sex Funny
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm
having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get
a little each month, but not enough to live on!"
LOUD SEX
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem,
doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this
ear splitting yell." "My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely
natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she
complained, "It wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife
during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you
have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never
home!"
CONFOUNDED SEX
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn
from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him
back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since
it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for
"small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large." The man was sure he would
want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his
wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and
explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the
man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the
doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a
headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'." "Yeah," she
replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My
Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
WOMEN'S HUMOR
Nora's husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make
you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, she
squirted it all over the doorknobs and he couldn't get back in.
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world." The woman says..... "I'll miss you."