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Another new joke thread

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
The other one was 5 pages long . . . time to start fresh with a new one and a recycled one.

World's Thinnest Books

FRENCH WAR HEROES
by Jacques Chirac

HOW I SERVED MY COUNTRY
by Jane Fonda

MY BEAUTY SECRETS
by Janet Reno

HOW TO BUILD YOUR OWN AIRPLANE
by John Denver

MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS
by Dan Marino

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL by Hillary Clinton

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
by Bill Gates

THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
by Dennis Rodman

MY WILD YEARS
by Al Gore

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

DETROIT: a Travel Guide

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes

GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
by Mike Tyson

SPOTTED OWL RECIPES
by the EPA

THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson

Bridge Travel by Ted Kennedy

And the world's Number One Thinnest Book ..

MY BOOK OF MORALS
by Bill Clinton
with introduction
by The Rev. Jessie Jackson
 

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
O x y m o r o n' s ...
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
22.Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
27. Christmas oxymoron: What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?
28. Why do we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?
 

bob

Add-a-ball specialist
Site Supporters
Why You Never Question a Drunk

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
a half-gallon of 2% milk,
a carton of eggs,
a quart of orange juice,
a head of romaine lettuce,
a 2 lb. can of coffee and
a 2 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, adrunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly....."
1.gif


:cheers:
 

bob

Add-a-ball specialist
Site Supporters
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came
addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to
see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday
someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had
until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited
two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to
buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can
you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other
workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few
dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which
they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all
the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be
able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from
the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter
was opened. It read:

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your
gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving
bastards at the Post Office.

:p'n'l:
 

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
Thanks for helping launch the new joke thread Bob. I've heard both jokes before, but having you tell them made them even funnier. :p
 

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
George Carlin's new rules for 2006

New Rule 1: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule 2: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Trout?

New Rule 3: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule 4: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're gay. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men.

New Rule 5: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule 6: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket - water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule 7: Stop f***ing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule 8: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule 9: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule 10: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule 11: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule 12: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule 13: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

New Rule 14: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule 15: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

New Rule 16: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
 

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
Maybe modern day life is a lot more risky, but back in my day . . .

Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting
board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't get food poisoning.

My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter AND I used to eat a
bite raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in
a brown paper bag, not in icepack coolers, but I can't remember anybody
getting e.coli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead
of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and
a pager was the school PA system.

We all took gym, not PE... and risked permanent injury with a pair of
hightop Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training
athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built-in light reflectors. I can't
recall any injuries but they must have happened, because they tell us how
much safer we are now....

Flunking gym was not an option... even for stupid kids! I guess PE
must be much harder than gym.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the National Anthem,
and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of
negative attention. We must have had horribly damaged psyches.

What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses?
Ours wore a hat and everything, and she could even give you an aspirin for a
headache or fever.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was
allowed to be proud of myself. I just can't recall how bored we were without
computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.

Oh yeah..and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got
that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant
construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent
bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like
iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked! Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either, because if we did, we
got our butt spanked there, and then we got butt spanked again
when we got home. I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and
doing his tricks on the front stoop, just before he fell off. Little did his
Mom know that she could have owned our house. Instead, she picked him up and
swatted him for being such a goof.

It was a neighborhood run amuck.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they
were from a "dysfunctional family". How could we possibly have
known that we needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes?
We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even
notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever
survive?
 

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
Some pictures of supposed rednecks. Now in some ways, aren't we all rednecks?
 

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tiltjlp

PN co-founder
And some more.
 

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tiltjlp

PN co-founder
Now, for some strange reason, only the 1st image I added shows up for me. If anyone has any suggestions how I can adjust whatever so I can see attachments again, I'm willing to try anything.
 

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
The six kinds of married sex

1. The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon period: you keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2. The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage: you'll have sex anywhere,anytime, even in the kitchen on the table, etc.

3. The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4. The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is the phase in which you pass each other in the hallway and say, "Screw you!" (This is also called oral sex by some.)

5. There is also a fifth kind: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your spouse screws you in front of everyone in the courtroom.

6. There is also Social Security Sex...that's when you get some once a month but it's not enough to live on
 

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
>Only a guy would do this ...>
>
>Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.
>
>This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Taser"
>for their anniversary.
>
>Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a
>little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
>pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were suppose to be
>short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat tosafety.... WAY TOO COOL!
>
>Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.
>
>I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the
>button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the
>blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!
>
>Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.
>
>Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries,... right?
>
>There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat.
>
>But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I
>wrong?
>
>So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
>perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, taser
>in another.
>
>The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your
>assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a >major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
>
>Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.
>
>All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!" What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....
>
>I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.
>
>I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION@!@$$!% !@*!!!
>
>I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in
>the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
>
>I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.
>
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"
>
>Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one note of
caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A 3 second burst would be considered conservative.
>
>SON-OF-A-.... that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape.
>
>My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face
felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
>I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.
>
>Still in shock,
>Tommy
 

Matthew

Pinball Nudger
"THE LITTLE BLONDE GIRL"
A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy, she yelled, "We were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl asked.
"Yes, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids said up to D, but I said it up to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, It's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy!" she yelled, "We were in gym class today, and when we were showering, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" She lifted up her tank top to reveal a pair of 36 C's.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
No, Honey, Its because you're 24."
 

Matthew

Pinball Nudger
How to install a wireless security system:



1) Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used work boots, a really big pair.

2) Put work boots outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine.

3) Put a dog dish beside it. A really big dish.

4) Leave a note on your front door that says something like:
"Bubba, Big Mike and I have gone to get more ammo - back in 15 minutes.
Don't disturb the Pitbulls, they've just been wormed and are mad as hell.


Signed, Billy Bob
 

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
This is said to be one of the best singles ads ever printed in a
newspaper. It was listed in the Atlanta Journal.


SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant.
I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the
woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing
trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will
have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you
get home from work ... wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404)
875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting ...

(Please scroll down)












Over 15,000 men responded and found themselves talking to the Atlanta
Humane Society about an 8-week-old black Labrador retriever
 

StevOz

Administrator
Staff member
Site Supporters
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him. "Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments then asked... "How does that feel?" He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts."
 

StevOz

Administrator
Staff member
Site Supporters
A bear, a lion and a chicken meet up.

Bear says: "When I roar in the forests of North America, the entire forest shivers with fear."

Lion says: "And if I roar on the great plains of Africa, the entire savannah is afraid of me."

Says the chicken: "Big deal. I only have to cough, and the entire planet shits itself."
 

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
An American is having breakfast, in Paris, one morning (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when a Frenchman, chewing bubble-gum, sits down next to him. The American ignores the Frenchman who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

Frenchman: "You American folk eat the whole bread??"

American (in a bad mood): "Of course."

Frenchman: (after blowing a huge bubble) "We don't. In France, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to the states." The Frenchman has a smirk on his face.

The American listens in silence.

The Frenchman persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

American: "Of Course."

Frenchman: (cracking his bubble-gum between his teeth and chuckling).

"We don't. In France we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell the jam to the states."

After a moment of silence, The American then asks: "Do you have sex in France?"

Frenchman: "Why of course we do", he says with a big smirk.

American: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

Frenchman: "We throw them away, of course."

American: "We don't. In America, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into bubble-gum, and sell them to France."
 

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt of his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead!"
Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself; I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
 

StevOz

Administrator
Staff member
Site Supporters
Dr Phil (gag)
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Phil to see about enlarging her breasts.

Dr Phil told her, "Everyday after your shower, rub your nipples and say, " Scooby, doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies'."

She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew great boobs!

One morning she was running late for work, got on the bus and realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't do the little rhyme, she got right out there in the aisle and started chanting "Scooby, doobie, doobies, I want bigger boobies."

A guy sitting nearby asked, "Are you a patient of Dr. Phil's by any chance?"

"Why, yes, I am. How did you know?"

He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory, dickory, dock ... "

:mrgreen:
 
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