Another new joke thread

Drunk?

Not too long ago I was awakened at 3 a.m. by a loud pounding on the door. After I had slowly come to my senses, I mustered the courage to go answer the door. There on my porch was a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push.

"Not a chance" I said. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"

Frustrated at the sleep I just lost, I closed the door and returned to bed.

"Who was that?" asked my wife, as I crawled back under the covers.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," I answered.

"Did you help him?" she asked.

"No, I did not. It is three o'clock in the morning and pouring outside."

"Well, you have a short memory," my wife said. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

She was right. So I got up, dressed, and went out into the pounding rain.

"Hello, are you still there?" I called out into the dark, almost hoping there would be no reply.

"Yes," a voice answered.

I sighed. "Do you still need a push?"

"Yes, please!"

"Where are you?" I asked.

"Over here, on the swing!"
 
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married... The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. Patient: "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'"
Doctor: "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
Patient: "Is it common?"
Doctor: "Well, 'It's Not Unusual'"

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman... The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal."
The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds,
"They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)...
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
 
A young man moved into a new apartment on his own, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears!"
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural! I work out every day! My butt is firm and solid! Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere! How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."
 
> This was actually reported by a teacher.
>
> After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their
>
> holiday away from school.
>
>
>
> One child wrote the following:
>
> We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used
>
> to live in a big brick house, but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to
>
> Arizona. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look
>
> like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags
> because
>
> they don't know who they are anymore.
>
>
> They go to a building called a wrecked center, but they must have got it
>
> fixed because it is all okay now, and do exercises there, but they don't
>
> do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but in it they all jump
>
> up and down with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a
>
> little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape.
>
>
>
> Sometimes they sneak out.
>
>
> They go cruising in their golf carts.
>
>
> Nobody there cooks; they just eat out.
>
>
>
> And, they eat the same thing every night: Early Birds.
>
>
>
> Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The
> ones
>
> who do get out bring food back to the wrecked center and call it pot
>
> luck.
>
>
> My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment
>
> and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.
>
>
> When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then
> I
>
> will let people out so they can visit their grandchildren.
 
> > Subject: The Miracle of Toilet Paper
> >
> > Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to
my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically
telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
> "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet
> paper and rub it between them for a few seconds."
> >
> > Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand
in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will
this take?" I asked.
> >
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped.
> >
> > "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my
> > breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
> >
> > Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"

> > He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
> again.
> >
> > Stupid, stupid man.
 
Bus tour

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the peanuts themselves. "We can't chew them because we've
no teeth", she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

It pays to be careful around old people.
 
Having reached the age of 65, I went to apply for Social Security last week.
After waiting in line for a very long time, I finally got to the counter. The woman there asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized, to my great dismay, that I had left my wallet on the nightstand in my bedroom.

I told the lady that I was very sorry, but I seemed to have left my wallet at home.
"I'll have to go get it and come back later, " I said.

At that point, she said to me, "Unbutton your shirt. " I was confused, but I opened my shirt, revealing lots of curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me, "and, with that, she promptly processed my application.

When I got home, I couldn't wait to tell my wife about my experience at the Social Security Office. She listened to the whole story and then said, "You should have dropped your pants . . . you might have gotten disability, too. "
 
More Bill Clinton jokes . . . will they never end?

"I Miss Bill Clinton"

It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is hilarious.
It’s from a show on Canadian TV.
There was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!
He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.

Number 1 - He played the sax.

Number 2 - He smoked weed.

Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women. Even now?
Look at him... his wife works, and he don't! And, he gets a check
from the government every month.

Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's
shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations'
most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton.
The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied,
"I don't know, I never had one."

The Clinton revised judicial oath:
"I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it,
the whole truth as I believe it to be,
and nothing but what I think you need to know."

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do
Hanky Panky between Bushes."
 
More Bill Clinton jokes . . . will they never end?

"I Miss Bill Clinton"

It doesn't matter what party you belong to - this is hilarious.
It’s from a show on Canadian TV.
There was a black comedian who said he misses Bill Clinton.

"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!
He was the closest thing we ever got to having a black man as President.

Number 1 - He played the sax.

Number 2 - He smoked weed.

Number 3 - He had his way with ugly white women. Even now?
Look at him... his wife works, and he don't! And, he gets a check
from the government every month.

Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's
shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations'
most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton.
The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.

When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied,
"I don't know, I never had one."

The Clinton revised judicial oath:
"I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it,
the whole truth as I believe it to be,
and nothing but what I think you need to know."

Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do
Hanky Panky between Bushes."
 
> The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their
> 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a
> Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
> He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
> "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted. A few
> moments passed. "An ambulance just drove by."
> A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called
> out. "Matt's riding a new bike."
> "The Coopers are having sex!!"
> Startled, Mother and Dad shot up in bed!!! Dad cautiously asked, "How do
> you know they are having sex??"
> "Jimmy Cooper is standing out on his balcony with a Popsicle too."
 
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything... Tutors,
Mentors, flash cards,
Special learning centers. In short, everything
They could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took
Zachary down and enrolled him
in the local Catholic school. After the first
day, little Zachary came home with a very
serious look on his face. He
didn't even kiss his mother Hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and
started studying. Books and papers were spread
out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work.
His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back
to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back
hitting the books as hard as before. This went on
for some time, day after day, while the mother
tried to understand what made all the difference.
Finally, little Zachary brought home his report
card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his
room and hit the books. With great trepidation,
his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise,
little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no
longer hold her curiosity.
She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it?
Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and
shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied,
Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the
uniforms? "WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on
the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to
the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
 
Work vs. Prison If you ever get these two environments confused, this should make things a little bit clearer.

IN PRISON......you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10
cell.
AT WORK.......you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8
cubicle.

IN PRISON......you get three meals a day.
AT WORK.......you get a break for one meal and you have to pay
For it.

IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...........you're often required to carry a security card and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON..........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you're not supposed to even speak to your family.

IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers.
AT WORK.........you pay all your expenses to get to work, and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON......you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK .....you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON. .... You must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK.........They're called Supervisors.
 
A lady friend of mine sent this to me.

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.

You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress~$5000. Tux rental~$100.

People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
 
Timekeeping

A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus

football.gif
 
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to Her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependant on some Machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the Plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
 
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"

She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds!

. . . and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you"!!
 
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

Well" he explained" By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing. "Well" he explained" By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen".

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing. "Well" he explained," by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying -
Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure......."
 
How can you joke, at a time like this Steve?
 
Shockman said:
How can you joke, at a time like this Steve?

Well, where I'm at it's 9:42PM, which seems like a fine time to joke.
 
Was at the doctors and she told me I had herpes!

She said I had herpes in my eyes!

I asked her "How did I get herpes in my eyes?"

She said "Looking for love in all the wrong places"
 
Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad
says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the
breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is
the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the
Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call
you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class.
Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about
this and see if it makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has
said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and
runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled.
So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound
asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.
Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees
his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to
bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I
think I understand what politics is now."

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the
Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are
being ignored and the Future is in deep [censored]."
 
There was a couple who was about to get married.
Before the wedding, they had a tragic accident and both died.

As they were standing at the gates of heaven talking to
St. Peter they explained their plight and asked could they get
married in heaven.

St. Peter said, "Wait here," and left.

He was gone for several months then finally returned.

The couple said, “We’ve been thinking as we were waiting here,
eternity is a long time to be married. Just in case things
don’t work out, is it possible that we can get a divorce?â€

St. Peter looked them sternly in the eye then said,

“Listen! It took me three months to find a preacher up here,
do you know how long it would take me to find a lawyer?â€
 
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted lastyear is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
 
The gorilla and the catcher (gag)
A local zoo are absolutely thrilled to bits when they finally take delivery of a large male gorilla.

They have never had one before and so they're not really sure what they're doing. and thus, the gorilla ends up escaping.

Scared shitless the zoo owner starts to panic as the gorilla is reported on the news as smashing up the town.

So one of his employees tells him he should look in the yellow pages, and sure enough after only a couple of minutes he finds a gorilla catcher.

Within 2 minutes of making the call a small man arrives in a van and asks the zoo owner where his nearest local wooded area is.

"it's about a mile away" says the zoo owner.

"ok get in, we're sure to find your gorilla there !" said the catcher.

Anyways sure enough, they get there and the gorilla is up the tree..

The small catcher takes out a little jack russell dog, a baseball bat, some handcuffs and a shotgun.

The small dog gets very excited and runs around the tree yipping and jumping..

The catcher says "Right, Im going to go up the tree with the bat" and he hands the zoo owner the handcuffs and the shotgun, keeping the baseball bat for himself.

The zoo owner asks "what are you going to do??!?"

The catcher replies "well, Im going to go up this tree and knock the gorilla down. when he hits the ground the small dog will grab him by the nuts and the gorilla will instinctively grab his nuts and groan.. when he does you slap the cuffs on him !"

"hmm" says the zoo owner "what the hell is the shotgun for then?!?!?"

The catcher replies "well, Im very very good at this and in 20 years I have never got it wrong.. however, should the unthinkable happen and the gorilla knock me out of that tree.. shoot the fucking dog..."
 
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