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Jokes!

StevOz

Administrator
Staff member
Site Supporters
Strueth, another wanna be moderator, be careful or I'll make it a sticky and I know how much you hate them TMFP. :mrgreen:

Though yes you may have a point and I may make it sticky anyways. ;)
 

StevOz

Administrator
Staff member
Site Supporters
Forum description.

This is for any topics, and especially humor!

Thanks to TMFP this topic is now sticky. :mrgreen:
 

Pop Bumper Pete

Pinball Pirate
Site Supporters
May I suggest adding another catagory?
Fairy tales
I just added another joke about Cinderella, but I felt it belonged more in a seperate cat than the relationship area that I did put it in
I think that there would be lots of similar themed jokes and thus it would be worth the effort
 

JonPurpleHaze

Site Nudger
Staff member
TheManFromPOST said:
May I suggest adding another catagory?
Fairy tales
I just added another joke about Cinderella, but I felt it belonged more in a seperate cat than the relationship area that I did put it in
I think that there would be lots of similar themed jokes and thus it would be worth the effort
Fairy Tales category Added, Thanks for the Jokes! :lolsign:
 

PacDude

Pinball Wizard
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to hell where the devil is waiting for him. "I'm not sure what to do," says the devil.

"You're on my list but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves ."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of hot water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing he hammer, time after
time. "No!" I've got this problem with my shoul der. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does
best. George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"
 

kristian

Pinball Wizard
Lol...good one PD.

This is old though...

Guy goes to the doctor for the results of his AIDS test.......the Doctor says "please sit down......I have very bad news for you........the guy says..."it's OK ..Doc........I know I have AIDS."........the Doctor says "I'm afraid it's much worse than that ".......he says " you have GASH"...........they guy says "what the hell is GASH"........the Doctor says..."it's a combination of Gonorreah......Aids.....Syphilis and Herpes"........and there is absolutely nothing we can do for it.

The guy says there must be something to be done......."can I have a second opinion"?

The Doctor says "well I can speak to Professor MacKay at John Hopkins....he's the world's foremost authority on GASH.....take a seat outside and I'll call him..and see what progress has been made in the treatment".

Twenty minutes later he comes out and says..."well Professor MacKay has advise me to place you in an isolation room.......and feed you on Ryvita crackerbread and cheese slices"

The guy says " Ryvita and cheese slices.....will that cure it"?

The Doc says......"NO......it's the only thing that'll go under the door"!
 

kristian

Pinball Wizard
Another one:

While President Bush was visiting a primary school he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy", so the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy".

"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove
over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the President. "That's what we would call a
great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered.

Bush searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand.

In a quiet voice he said: "If US Air Force One carrying you and Mrs Bush was struck by a friendly fire missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Bush. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," said the boy, "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly
wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a fucking accident either!"
 

JonPurpleHaze

Site Nudger
Staff member
Some George Carlin...

Ads in Bills:
Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills
now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, "Could you throw this away for me? Thank you."
--------------------------------------------------------------
Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women were coming up to me (sniff) 'Married' (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off that ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
Cripes
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes.' For Cripe's sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh?' of the church of 'Holy Moly.' I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, 'how can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Pregnancy:
It's weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, 'Oh my
god. He's kicking. Do you wanna feel it?' I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! It's weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. "Oh my god...give me your hand...It won't be long now..."
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior
Citizen'. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Reverse Life Cycle:
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is
tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you got to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alchohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating...you finish off as a gleam.
------------------------------------------------------
Prisons:
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each
prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house! I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.
---------------------------------------------
Award Shows:
Can you believehow many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards. A whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.
-------------------------------------------
Phone-in Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% "I don't know". It costs 90 cents to call up and vote...They're voting "I don't know." "Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into phone) I DON'T KNOW! (hangs up, looking proud) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95. (into phone) "I'm not in the mood."
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Answering Machine:
Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's
answering machine? "Hi, It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right
now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love. '"Beep." "Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling...Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love."


http://www.pinballnirvana.com/index...=&searchtext=&cattid=7&startnum=1 :bandit:
 

StevOz

Administrator
Staff member
Site Supporters
Re: jokes

stoogepower said:
I do some standup. I can post some of my bit if anyone wants to read it, and see if it's any good. Thanks.

Cool, go ahead, though beware there maybe a few hecklers out there and the rest are sometimes shy... :wink:
 

stoogepower

Pinball Nudger
Thanks, Steve. Here we go with unprofessional standup comedy 101.

Welcome to the comedy show that's worth exactly what you paid for it. Nothing.
I've decided not to refinance my standup comedy act, because I already have a low interest rate.
And the only free drinks I get are the ones thrown in my face.
But don't worry, if my standup comedy act is anything like my sex life, I'll end up blowing everthing I have in two minutes.
I see we have some pretty girls here. (points at one) Maybe I'll get lucky, and get your mom's phone number.
On the way here, state patrol pulled me over. He said:
"You were going 86 miles per hour."
I said:
"How do you know how far I go in and hour? You were only behind me 30 seconds."
Boy, last holiday season was rough. I have some neo-nazi skinheads living across the street. They had their Christmas light swaztika up. And their nativity scene was three GI-Joes and a pit bull.

There's more. Thanks for reading, hope you got a few laughs. Jaime.
 
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