Junkyard Jokes

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
This is a good joke, just a bit more suited for the Junk Yard than the Back Fence.

> > > A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was
nervous so
he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves ...
> > >
> > > "Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked.
> > >
> > > "No, I don't."
> > >
> > > "Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank
of latex
and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands,
let them
dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right
size."
> > >
> > > She didn't crack a smile.
> > >
> > > "Oh, well. I tried," he thought.
> > >
> > > But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the
procedure, she
burst out laughing.
> > >
> > > "What's so funny?" he asked.
> > >
> > > "I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"
 

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with the U.S. auto makers for the past 5 years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV's in an effort to determine in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

They were surprised to find in 41 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, "Oh Shit !"

Only the states of
Oklahoma, Nebraska, Missouri,
Kansas, Arkansas, Alabama,
Georgia, and Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were:

"Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin."
 

rpbizzle47

Pinball Wizard
"Hold my beer, I'm gonna try somethin."

I found a couple cartoon pictures I thought I'd share:

On second thought, I got the files on the net while I'm here at the library and there in bmp format, therefor I'm unable to upload them :( Oh well, one of the pictures was of a deer driving a car with a deer hunter tied to the hood. :)
 

StevOz

Administrator
Staff member
Site Supporters
Oh deer...

New avatar anyone...:mrgreen:
 

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tiltjlp

PN co-founder
Fantastic Sex

The husband leans over and asks his
wife, "Do you remember the first time we
had sex together over fifty years a go?
We went behind this very tavern where
you leaned against the back fence and I
made love to you."

"Yes", she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a
stroll around there again and we can do
it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds
like a crazy, but very good idea!"

There's a police officer sitting in the
next booth listening to all this, and
having a chuckle to himself.

He thinks, "I've got to see these two
old-timers having sex against a fence.
I'll just keep an eye on them so there's
no trouble."

So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on
each other for support, aided by walking
sticks.

Finally, they get to the back of the
tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old
man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old
man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most
furious sex that the watching policeman
has ever seen.

This goes on for about ten minutes.

Finally, they both collapse panting on
the ground.

The policeman is amazed.

He thinks he has learned something about
life that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the
ground recovering, the old couple
struggle to their feet and put their
clothes back on.

The Policeman, still watching thinks,
this was truly amazing.

I've got to ask them what their secret
is.

As the couple passes, he says to them,
"Excuse me, but that was something else.
You must've had a fantastic sex life
together. Is there some sort of secret
to this?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that
wasn't an electric fence."
 

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
This has probably been posted before. I knew I should have become a doctor.

Breast or Bottle Fed??
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived,
examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned,
asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. "Breast-fed" she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He
pinched her nipples,then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a
while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he
said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said,"I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
 

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He
> performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an E-mail
> he sent to his sister.
>
>
> She then sent it to radio station 1032 on FM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who
> was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.
>
> Hi Sue,
>
> Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had a bad
> day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I
> thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so
> bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore
> you with a few technicalities of my job.
>
>
> As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the
> office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what
> we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water
> heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It
> heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver
> through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like
> a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints. What I
> do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff
> it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water.
>
>
>
> It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
>
>
>
> Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.
> So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.
>
>
>
> Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my
> back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The
>
> hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now,
> since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it.
>
>
>
> However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate...
>
>
>
>
> When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the
> jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my
> dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact
> that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically.
>
>
>
> Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three
> agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I
> could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I
> arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet. As I
> climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his
> face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as
> I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for
> two days because my butt was swollen shut.
 
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