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More e-mail jokes

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
Seems like the winter blahs have settled in here, so I thought I'd liven things up a bit with some jokes I've received recently.

Subject: Visit to the Rodeo
> >
> >
> > A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first
> > exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went
> > up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that
> > said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
> >
> > "The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and
> > said, "He mated 50 times last year."
> >
> > They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached
> > that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year.
> >
> > "The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's
> > more than twice a week!
> > You could learn a lot from him."
> >
> > They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached
> > that said, in capital letters,
> > "This bull mated 365 times last year."
> >
> > The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her
> > husband's ribs, said, "That's
> > once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this
> > one."
> >
> > The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him
> > if it was with the same cow?"
> >
> >
> > *NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from
> > critical to stable and he should eventually make a full
> > recovery.

John
 

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
1. Andy Rooney on Monica.

Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on her hands and knees.

2. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians.

Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning "lousy hunter."

3. Andy Rooney on Prisoners.

Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in <?XML:NAMESPACE PREFIX = ST1 />Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And, if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

4. Andy Rooney on Fabric Softeners.

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, "Married!" and walking away. Fabric softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring. But, it's hard to get that April Fresh scent out of your clothes.

5. Andy Rooney on morning differences.

Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, "How can he want me the way I look in the morning?" It's because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

6. Andy Rooney on phone-in-polls.

You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know," It costs 90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Give me the phone. (Says into the phone) "I DON'T KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) "Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."

7. Andy Rooney on cripes

My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there! . Very wholesome. They use words like 'Cripes' 'For Cripes sake,' Who would that be; Jesus Cripes? The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?

8. Andy Rooney on Grandma

My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday!

He's my favorite grouch
 

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
1) Good

An Erie, PA police officer had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem. A twelve-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (Moreover, we used to just sell lemonade!)

2) Better

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar post in Pittsburgh, PA . A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

3) Absolute Best

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Pennsylvania State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball". He replied, "Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls". There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.

John . . . got any to add?
 

Pop Bumper Pete

Pinball Pirate
Site Supporters
A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver:"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She better not shit in the vegetable garden again either!"
 

elton

Pinball Wizard
Some Mother-in-Law jokes (we love 'em really!)

A man takes his dog to the vet and asks him to cut its tail off. The vet can find nothing wrong with the dog's tail so asks the man why. He replies: 'My mother-in-law is coming to visit and I don't want anything in the house to make her think she's welcome.'

The definition of mixed emotions is seeing your mother-in-law drive over a cliff in your new car.

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, deep in the jungle, his wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted they both go to look for her. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whisky and set out on a search. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her. The wife said: 'What are we going to do?' 'Nothing,' replied her husband. 'The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it.'

I haven't spoken to my mother-in-law for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

MY father-in-law was out driving when he was pulled over by a policeman, who informed him: 'Your wife fell out of the car five miles back.' My father-in-law replied: 'Thank God for that. I thought I'd gone deaf.'

Q: How do you stop your mother-in-law from drowning?
A: Take your foot off her head.

Q: What's the difference between a dead mother-in-law lying in the middle of the road and a dead snake lying in the middle of the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the snake.

I'm trying to get my mother-in-law to go ice-skating before the ice gets too thick.

A rag and bone man came to my mother-in-law's house and asked if she could spare him any old beer bottles. She replied: 'Do I look as if I drink beer?' He replied: 'Sorry love, I suppose not. Any old vinegar bottles then?'

Q: Why do they bury mothers-in-law 18ft down when everyone else is buried six feet under?
A: Because, deep down, they really are very nice people.

Two lifeguards are working together on a beach when one of them notices sharks circling a woman who has drifted out a little too far. He gets up to race to her rescue but the other lifeguard grabs his arm and stops him. The first lifeguard says: 'Why are you holding me back? We have to save that woman.' The other replies: 'Don't worry. That woman is my mother-in-law.' First lifeguard: 'Are you trying to kill her?' Second lifeguard: 'Although the idea may be tempting, that is not my intent. Just watch.' With that, the sharks organize themselves beneath the woman and ride her on their backs all the way to shore, where they deposit her safely on the sand. 'What made you think that would happen?' asks the first lifeguard. 'Professional courtesy.'

Q: Why would you rather deal with a vicious dog than your mother-in-law?
A: A vicious dog eventually lets go.
 

elton

Pinball Wizard
And a few more .....

A man finds a lamp, rubs it, and sure enough a genie appears. The genie tells the man he will grant him two wishes, but there is a catch: whatever is granted to him will be granted doubly to his mother-in-law. The man thinks for a while, then proclaims: 'First, grant me a million pounds. Secondly, beat me half to death.'

Q: What are the two worst things about your mother-in-law?
A: Her faces.

A man returned home from the night shift and found his wife in bed with the sheet pulled over her head, fast asleep. Nonetheless, he proceeded to make love to her before going to the kitchen for something to eat. He was startled to find breakfast on the table and his wife pouring coffee. 'How did you get down here so fast?' he asked. 'We were just making love.' His wife was horror-struck: 'That's my mother up there!' Rushing upstairs, the wife ran into the bedroom. 'Mother, I can't believe this happened. Why didn't you say something?' The mother-in-law huffed: 'I haven't spoken to that jerk for 15 years, and I wasn't about to start now.'

A man was told by his doctor that he had only six months to live. He decided to move in with his mother-in-law, because he knew that living with her for six months would seem like an eternity.

A woman was leaving a shop when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a very mean-looking dog on a leash. Behind her were 200 women walking in single file. The woman shopper gave in to her curiosity. She approached the woman walking the dog and said: 'I am so sorry for your loss, but I've never seen a funeral procession like this. Whose funeral is it?'
The woman replied: 'Well, that first hearse is for my husband.'
Shopper: 'What happened to him?'
The woman: 'My dog attacked and killed him.'
Shopper: 'Well, who is in the second hearse?'
The woman: 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.'
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.
Shopper: 'Can I borrow the dog?'
The woman: 'Get in line.'

A couple drove down a country road in the furious silence that follows a bad row. As they passed a pig farm, the wife sarcastically asked: 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yes,' said the husband. 'In-laws.'

I always know when it's the mother-in-law knocking at the door — the mice throw themselves in the traps.

Q: What's the difference between a mother-in-law and a vulture?
A: The vulture waits until you are dead before it eats your heart out.

A pharmacist tells a customer: 'In order to buy arsenic, you need a legal prescription. A picture of your mother-in-law just isn't enough.'
 

elton

Pinball Wizard
Police Warning

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, party goers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called "beer" to target unsuspecting men.

The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, from taps and in large, what the kids call "kegs".

“Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them.

Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex. After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted.

After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred. At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship."

It has been reported that in extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a long-term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and the predatory female offers sex.

Please! Forward this warning to every male that you know. However, if you fall victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups with venues in every town where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the yellow pages.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
 

elton

Pinball Wizard
NAMING THE FATHER FOR CHILD SUPPORT IN ENGLAND

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details: These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Hard to believe but true!

01. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins. Child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

02. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

03. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

04. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

05. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

06. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

07. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

08. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

09. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at EuroDisney maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

True!
 

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
I'm amazed at how many jokes you know, or at least find, Elton. I have trouble remembering ones I heard or read yesterday. But here is one more my friend Patsy sent me.

Words Women Use

Fine
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

Go Ahead
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!

Loud Sigh
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

That's Okay
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.
 

elton

Pinball Wizard
The Mother in Law jokes were courtesy of the Daily Mail newspaper that I scanned in and the 'Beer' joke was doing the rounds in work - if memory serves me correctly. Otherwise, I have a memory like a bloody sieve. :D
Must go - have a tree to chop down!


EDIT - Couldn't spell courtesy!!!! :(
 

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
Got a new batch of jokes folks.

It is with a sad heart that I pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection, and
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough (who has a bun in the oven.) He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Buttersworth, Hungry Jack, The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours. Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much
he was kneaded.

Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man, was considered a roll model for millions.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
 

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
1. Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

2. Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

3. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

4. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

5. On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message "one slice"? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really gonna try to stuff in that slot?

6. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

7. Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

8. How do dead bugs get into those closed light fixtures?

9. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

10. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

11. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? Ever notice that it is a Gender issue, Men will pop their legs together, Women will pop them open?

12. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

13. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

14. How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?

15. If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?

16. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends; if they're okay, then it's you.
 

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
Helpful Things---who knew??

===========================================
Sealed envelope - Put in the freezer for a few hours,
then slide a knife under the flap. The envelope can
then be resealed. (hmmmmmm...)
============================================
Use Empty toilet paper roll to store appliance cords. It
keeps them neat and you can write on the roll what
appliance it belongs to.
=================================================
For icy door steps in freezing temperatures: get warm
water and put Dawn dishwashing liquid in it. Pour it all
over the steps. They won't refreeze. (wish I had known
this for the last 40 years!)
=================================================
Crayon marks on walls? This worked wonderfully! A damp
rag, dipped in baking soda. Comes off with little effort
(elbow grease that is!).
=================================================
receipt BLUE!) rubbing alcohol on paper towel.
=================================================
Whenever I purchase a box of S..O.S Pads, I immediately
take a pair of scissors and cut each pad into halves. After
years of having to throw away rusted and unused and smelly
pads, I finally decided that this would be much more economical.
And now a box of S.O.S pads last me indefinitely! In fact, I
have noticed that the scissors get sharpened this way!
=================================================
Blood stains on clothes? Not to worry! Just pour a little
hydrogen peroxide on a cloth and proceed to wipe off
every drop of blood Works every time! Now, where to put

the body? LOL
=================================================
Use vertical strokes when washing windows outside and
horizontal for inside windows. This way you can tell which
side has the streaks. Straight vinegar will get outside
windows really clean. Don't wash windows on a sunny day.
They will dry too quickly and will probably streak.
=================================================
Spray a bit of perfume on the lightbulb in any room to create
a lovely light scent in each room when the light is turned on.
=================================================
Place fabric softener sheets in dresser drawers and your
clothes will Smell freshly washed for weeks to come. You
can also do this with towels and linen.
================================================
Candles will last a lot longer if placed in the freezer for at
least 3 hours prior to burning
================================================
To clean artificial flowers, pour some salt into a paper bag
and add the flowers. Shake vigorously as the salt will absorb
all the dust and dirt and leave your artificial flowers looking
like new! Works like a charm!
=================================================
To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add

a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom
of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.
================================================
Spray your TUPPERWARE with nonstick cooking spray
before pouring in tomato based sauces and there won't be
any stains.
================================================
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator
and it Will keep for weeks.
================================================
When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help
bring out the corn's natural sweetness.
================================================
Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on
your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
================================================
Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes
for future use in casseroles and sauces. Left over wine?
What's that?! :)
================================================
To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on
the area And you will experience instant relief.
================================================
Ants, ants, ants everywhere .... Well, they are said to never
cross a chalk line. So get your chalk out and draw a line on
the floor or wherever ants tend to march. See for yourself.
================================================
Use air-freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and
better still, leaves a lovely smell to the shine.
================================================
When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before
resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch
tape over the splinter, then pull it off. Scotch tape removes
most splinters painlessly and easily.
================================================
Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer. Clean a toilet.
Drop in two Alka Seltzer tablets,wait twenty minutes, brush
and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean
vitreous China.
================================================
Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass
vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka Seltzer
tablets.
================================================
Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka Seltzer tablets into a glass of
water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.
=================================================
Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four
Alka Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer,
if necessary).
================================================
Unclog a drain. Clear the sink drain by dropping three Alka
Seltzer Tablets down the drain followed by a cup of Heinz
White Vinegar. Wait a few minutes, then run the hot water.
 

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.


8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt

16. You take naps from noon to 6 PM!

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.
 

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
A businessman sent this fax to his wife:

"To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 60 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife.

Therefore after reading this fax, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please don't be perturbed as I shall be back home before midnight".

When the man came home, he found the following letter on the dining room table.

"My Dear Husband,

I received your fax and thank you for your honesty. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 60 years old..

At the same time I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael my tennis coach, who like your secretary is also 18 years old. As a successful businessman and with your excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 60 more often than 60 goes into 18.

Therefore I will not be back before lunchtime tomorrow."
 

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
The Creation of Montana
>
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found Him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, "Where have You been?"
>
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made!" Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth, it's going to be a great place of balance."
>
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. And over there I've placed a continent of white people, while over here is a continent of black people." God continued, pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
>
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"
>
"Ah," said God. "That's MONTANA, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets rolling hills, & high mountains.
>
The people from Montana are going to be modest, intelligent & humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
>
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!"
>
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting around them in Idaho, North Dakota, and Wyoming."
>
Only someone who has grown up in Montana (or lived there) will forward this!!!
 

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2..00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*! !

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?


*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea..does that mean that one enjoys it?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

10.! Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

11. Why isn't the number! 11 pronounced onety one?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~! *~*

16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for their final exam.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

19 If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
 

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
 

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
A young preacher was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a man who died with no family or friends. The funeral was held way back in the country and the young preacher got lost on the way.

When he arrived an hour late, he saw a backhoe and crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight. The workmen were eating lunch. The diligent pastor went to the open grave to find the vault lid in place, but still he poured out his heart and preached an impassioned and lengthy service.

Returning to his car, the young preacher felt that he had done his duty and he would leave with a renewed sense of purpose and dedication, in spite of his tardiness. As he got into his car, he overheard one of the workers talking to another worker: "I've been putting in septic tanks for 20 years, and I ain't never seen anything like that before. Sort of gives new meaning to the term 'Holy Shit.'
 

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult, four hour surgical procedure. A young, student nurse starts to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles
black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again and mumbles, "Nurse, are my testicles
black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his
testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very
slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?
 

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - and I was in the wrong one. Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the patient. Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."
Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada

I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right eye with your hand."

He read the 20/20 line perfectly.

"Now your left." Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. "Which one?" I asked.

"The patch. The nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"

I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't
see . . . Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one. Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long have you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered... "Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive." Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your
breakfast this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste" the patient replied.

I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly." Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.

It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, "Keep off the grass."

Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed
performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?"

She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, "I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener". (Dr. wouldn't give his name)
 

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
CHEEKY CRIME: A jailer at the Gwinnett County (Ga.) Jail was suspicious of a prisoner brought in for booking. A pat-down revealed nothing, so the deputy did a strip search. His suspicions were well-founded:

deputies say Clifton Alexander Carter, 19, was carrying a loaded pistol -- tucked between his butt cheeks. "I don't now how he was able to conceal the weapon in that area," a sheriff's spokeswoman said. "It is very unusual." Carter was booked on various weapons charges. (Atlanta Journal-Constitution) ...Cops: they always get you in the end.

CAPED CRUSADER: Anders Mjelle, 22, is studying in Norway to become a pediatrician. While "practicing his signature during a prescription class," he realized his signature "just wasn't as cool as doctor signatures usually are," he says. "So I tried signing with the name to my old hero of heroes, Batman. That was much better." So much better that he has legally changed his middle name to Batman. "I believe being called Batman can definitely be something positive." (Aftenposten)...Especially when dealing with Joker viruses, Riddler diseases and the
inevitable Two Face bureaucrat.
 

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
DOGGED DETERMINATION: Girlamo A. Marinello, 38, of Shelby Township, Mich., led an Oakland County Sheriff's deputy on a high speed chase. Once finally cornered, he attacked the deputy -- by swinging a leashed French Poodle at him. Marinello was charged with assault with intent to commit great bodily harm, fleeing and eluding police, carrying a concealed weapon (presumably not the poodle), resisting and obstructing police, and animal cruelty. But Marinello escaped jail by being declared mentally incompetent. (Daily Oakland Press) ...Since anyone in their right mind would know a French Poodle is only a defensive weapon.

DEADLY OMISSION: According to a poll, Brits are tired of the Seven Deadly Sins (anger, envy, gluttony, greed, lust, sloth and pride), which were first outlined by Pope Gregory the Great in the 6th Century. The poll finds people want to replace most of them -- especially lust, though most are OK with greed being listed. The top replacement suggestions: adultery, bigotry, cruelty, dishonesty, hypocrisy and selfishness.
(London Times) ...Damn them, they forgot "stupidity" again!
 
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