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More Jokes ....

panda55

Pinball Wizard
Differences Between Men and Women


NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Suzanne, Kate and Sarah. If Mike, Charlie, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Charlie, Dave and John will each
throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back. When thegirls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs. A woman will pay £1 fora £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances,best friends,favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in thehouse.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

===============================================================================

Two tourists were driving through Wales.....

At Llanfairpwllgwyngllgogerychwryndrobwllyantsllyogog ogoch,

they stopped for lunch and one tourist asked the waitress,

"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?

Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"

The blonde waitress leaned over and said, "Burrr-gurrr-Kinngg..."

=============================================================================

A man walks into a Chemists shop with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son.... Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh, I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there only 3 in this package?"

The dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for Uni students" the dad answers. "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy in awe. "Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.............

With a sigh, the dad replied "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March......

===========================================================================

Two old guys are pushing their carts around the supermarket when they collide.

The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"

The first old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."
 

panda55

Pinball Wizard
A man and a woman are driving home from a date. The man stops the car,
and the woman says: "Oh no, you aren't going to pull the "out of gas"
routine!"

The man says, "No, it's the "hereafter" routine. If you're not here after
what I'm here after, then you're going to be here after I'm gone."

=======================================================

Anyway, Amos is getting on in years and his family decides that he is
just too much of a burden anymore. Time to put him in a retirement
home. So they take him out to Sunny Hills Retirement Community and
install him in his now home.

After he was there for a few hours, a lovely young nurse comes and
asks if he would like to spend a while on the sun porch. Amos says
"Sure...hrmmmph, hrmmmph."

So Amos and the nurse are on the sun porch enjoying the sun, when Amos
begins to lean to his left. The nurse, thinking that he is going to
fall, pushes him back upright. A few minutes pass, and Amos again
begins to lean, this time to his right. The nurse pushes him back
upright. A few minutes later the scene is repeated. Finally, the
nurse takes Amos back to his room.

The next day, Amos's friend Bob comes to visit. "How do you like it
here?" asks Bob.

"Well" says Amos "it's OK, I guess. The bed ain't too soft and it ain't
too hard. The food is OK. The people are nice. But, they sure don't
want you to fart on the sun porch!"

=======================================================

A lady who was known as Churchill's main rival in parliament was giving a
speech. Churchill, with his usual enthusiasm for his rival, dozed off while
the lady was speaking. She stopped her speech and awoke Sir Winston by
yelling, "Mr. Churchill, must you sleep while I talk?" Churchill sleepily
replied, "No, ma'am. I do so purely by choice."
 

panda55

Pinball Wizard
Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands.

The first says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found
a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!"

The second says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found
a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!"

The third woman fainted.

=============================================

The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and
a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas
insurance agent.


Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable
you had never felt better in your life?"

Farmer: "That's right."

Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were
seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"

Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who
had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog,
who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I
just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words
to say I've never felt better in my life."

==============================================

Supposedly a true story...

Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder.
There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse.
In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is
guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever
trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer
says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in
this case will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the
courtroom door. The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute
passes. Nothing happens.
Finally the lawyer says: "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But
you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is
reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that
you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate.
A few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a
verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of
you stare at the door."
Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."

================================================

"Ever hear of a buccaneer?"
"No..."
"Well, it's too much to pay for corn!"

================================================
 

panda55

Pinball Wizard
An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial
city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house.
When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained.

"Sir, these are the COJONES", the waiter replied.
"The what, you say?", exclaimed the tourist.
"They are testicles of the bull killed in the ring today," explained
the waiter.

The tourist gulped but tasted the plate anyway, and found it delicious.
Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he
finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter:
"Today's COJONES are much smaller than the ones I had yesterday."
"True, sir," said the waiter, "... you see the bull, he does not
always lose!"

===============================================

Two dogs had chased a third dog for hours in the hot sun.

Dog 1: Ain't this a bitch?

Dog 2: It sure as hell better be!
===============================================

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?

Defendant: No, I did not.

Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a hell of a lot better than the
penalty for murder.

=======================================================
Fred walks into a psychiatrist's office one day and says to the psychiatrist,
"Doc, I don't understand what's going on with me. It's really strange,
sometimes I feel like a teepee."

The doctor thinks about it for a while and then urges the man to continue.

So, the man continues, "And sometimes I feel like a wigwam."

To which the doctor says, "I wouldn't worry about it, Fred, you're just
two tents."

=======================================================
 

panda55

Pinball Wizard
An old country gentleman and his wife were out driving one day,
when a police officer pulled him over. "What seems to be the
trouble young man?" asked the old gentleman. As the officer
said, "Excuse me sir, but didn't you notice your wife fell out
of the car back there?". To which the old gentleman exclaimed,
"Thank you son, I thought I went deaf!!!".

========================================

This guy, see, was walkin' down the street sportin' two -- not one, but
two -- black eyes; a coupla real shiners. He chanced upon his buddy
walkin' th' other way and they stopped to talk. "Hey buddy," sez his
buddy, "where'd'ja git them good lookin' shiners? Musta been a helluva
fight."

"Well actually I got them in church," sez he.

"Nowwaitaminnit," sez his buddy, "nobody gits black eyes in church!"

"I swear I did," sez he, "and here's how it happened.
We all got up to sing a hymn, you see, and the fat lady in front of me
got her dress all stuck up in the crack of her butt, so bein' as how I'm a
real gennulman an' all, well, I leaned forward and pulled it out for her.
And you know what? She just turned around, hauled off and slugged me one!"

"Well," sez his buddy after he can talk again, "that shore 'nuff explains
one of 'em. Howdja git th' other one?"

"Well," sez he, "like I said, I'm a gennulman, even when somebody does me
wrong, so when I saw she didn't like it like that, I stuck it back in."

=======================================================-

A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, "Martha, pack
up your things! I just won the California lottery!"

Martha replies, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?"

The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the
house by noon!"
 

panda55

Pinball Wizard
Some funnies ...
 

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PacDude

Pinball Wizard
John, the guy in the photo is holding a paper bag (ready to pop it) behind the other one presumably about to diffuse or move a mine or something.
 

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
Pacdude said:
John, the guy in the photo is holding a paper bag (ready to pop it) behind the other one presumably about to diffuse or move a mine or something.

Now that you explained it, it's fairly obvious. And yes, I'd say it's not the best of jokes.

John
 

Matthew

Pinball Nudger
Row house

A man and his wife live in a row house where all of the houses look alike. The wife tells the husband that everytime he goes out he returns to the wrong house and disturbs the neighbors.

To fix the problem the man puts a lantern on his porch to remind him of his house.

So, like clockwork he goes out and gets plastered. Upon returning home he sees the lantern and says to himself "Theres my house and there's the lantern I put on the porch."

Satisfied with himself he walks onto the porch and puts his key in the door, "I knew it, this my house cause my key works."

Now even more impressed with himself, he enters into the house and goes to his bedroom. Upon entering he exclaims, "I knew this was my house cause there is my wife, and there I am in bed with her!"
 

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
The Doctor told me I should start an exercise program.
Not wanting to harm this old body, I've devised the following:

On Monday I would

Beat around the bush
Jump to conclusions
Climb the walls
Wade through the morning paper

On Tuesday I would

Drag my heels
Push my luck
Make Mountains out of mole hills
Hit the nail on the head

Wednesdays I'd

Bend over backwards
Jump on the Band Wagon
Run around in circles

Thursdays I'll

Toot my own horn
Pull out all the stops
Add fuel to the fire

On Fruday I might

Open a can of worms
Put my foot in my mouth
Start the ball rolling
Go over the edge

By Saturday I'd be so tuckered out all I could do would be to

Pick up the pieces

Thank goodness Sunday is a day of rest, I need some.

John
 

panda55

Pinball Wizard
This is not meant to offend. Please read it as such.


*******************************************************************************
To get the full effect, this should be read aloud. You will understand what
'tenjewberrymuds' means by the end of the conversation. This has been
nominated for the best email of 2005.
*******************************************************************************

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and
room-service, at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the
Far East Economic Review:
*===============*

Room Service (RS): "Morrin. Roon sirbees."
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."
RS: "Rye..Roon sirbees..morrin! Jewish to oddor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs."
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pryed, boyud, poochd?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them?
* * * Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS : "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"
G: "What?"
RS:"An toes. July Sahn toes?"
G: "I don't think so."
RS: "No? Judo wan sahn toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes'
means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...Why jew don juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an
English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bodder?"
G: "No...just put the bodder on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Excuse me?"
RS: "Copy...tea...meel?"
G: "Yes. Coffee, please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin we bodder on
sigh and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say."
RS: "Tenjewberrymuds."
G : "You're very welcome."

:D
 

panda55

Pinball Wizard
A guy burned two ears... so they were asking him at the hospital how it happened.

He said, "I was ironing my clothing and the phone rang...so instead of the phone I picked up the iron and burned my ear..."

"But how the heck did you burn the other ear?" The doctor asked.

"How do you think I called you people?"

======================================================================
 

panda55

Pinball Wizard
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait
as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of
several pages, that it indeed says..........
...........
..........
..........

HEBREWS"
 

panda55

Pinball Wizard
And this one is especially for John and the other cat lovers. (I almost said cat-owners but of cause that would be wrong. Dogs have owners, cats have staff) :p

How to give a cat a pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat
opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm
and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with
one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub
cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from the hearth and set to one side to repair later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open
with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take
taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet
with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.
Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force
mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to
cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whisky compress
to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch
new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the road.
Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly
to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill
into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold
head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to casualty, sit
quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnant
from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet
shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to Give a Dog a Pill?

1. Wrap it in bacon
 

Matthew

Pinball Nudger
Again

Two blondes were reading their daily newspapers and one of them sees a headline that says:

"TWO BRAZILIAN SOLDIERS KILLED"

She thinks for a minute, and then whispers to her friend,

"Psssst.....how many is a brazilian?"
 
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