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Need more jokes please

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
Could any of your folks help me out a bit. My life long best friend is going though some rough times with one of her adult children. She could really use some joke to keep her spirits up. I have copied a lot of the jokes here, and am sending her one or two a day, but a lot of these jokes, especially in Shadow's Friggin' Funhouse aren't suitable for a woman.

She doesn't have problems with sex jokes, within reason, and enjoys dumb blonde jokes, since she isn't a blonde, but the more I have to choose from, the better. Thanks in advance for helping my friend out during a real low point.

John
 

penguin66

Pinball Wizard
Ok, I went through some of my jokes and grabbed some from my parents. They should be appropriate. Hope they help...

COUNTRY WISDOM
1. Country fences need to be horse high, pig tight, and bull strong.
2, Life is not about how fast you run, or how high you climb, but how well you bounce.
3. Keep skunks and car salesmen at a distance.
4. Life is simpler when you plow around the stumps.
5. A bumblebee is faster than a John Deere tractor.
6. Trouble with a milk cow is she won't stay milked.
7. Don't skinny dip with snapping turtles.
8. Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
9. Meanness don't happen overnight.
10. To know how country folks are doing, look at their barns, not their houses.
11. Never lay an angry hand on a kid or an animal, it just ain't helpful.
12. Teachers, Moms, and hoot owls sleep with one eye open.
13. Forgive your enemies. It messes with their heads.
14. Don't sell your mule to buy a plow.
15. Two can live as cheap as one, if one don't eat.
16. Don't corner something meaner than you.
17. You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar, assuming you want to catch flies.
18. Man is the only critter who feels the need to label things as flowers
or weeds.
19. It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.
20. Don't go huntin' with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.
21. You can't unsay a cruel thing.
22. Every path has some puddles.
23. Don't wrestle with pigs: You'll get all muddy and the pigs will love it.
24. The best sermons are lived, not preached.
25. Most of the stuff people worry about never happens.


Here is advice to give to those who are unable to get FLU SHOTS:
How to Avoid Flu
Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.-
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin c.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around. -
Get lots of fresh air. Open windows whenever possible.
Get plenty of rest.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

OR ... You can take the doctors office approach. Think about it, when you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol. Why? Because alcohol kills germs.

SOOOOOOOOO...I walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put lime in my corona (fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air), get drunk, tell jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest). The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up flu germs can't get you!!!!



13 Reasons to Smile
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "Darn...that was fun!"
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
Wouldn't you know it... Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.



At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word"service." "The act of doing things for other people."
Then I heard the terms:
Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service
Civil Service
City/County Public Service
Customer Service
Service Stations

And I became confused about the word "service. " This is not what I thought"service" meant. Then today, I overheard two farmers talking and one of them mentioned that he was having a bull over to "service" a few of his cows.

SHAZAM! It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.




Football Tailgating Quiz
1. Food tastes best when it:
a. First comes out of the store
b. First comes out of the refrigerator
c. Is removed from the trunk of your '87 Taurus.

2. Food is best eaten:
a. Only in the finest restaurants
b. In a sunny park on a breezy weekend afternoon
c. On paper plates amidst a sea of asphalt and crazy fans

3. The best foods are:
a. Fruits and vegetables
b. Low in trans-fats
c. High in sausage

4. The bratwurst is:
a. Fatty and disgusting
b. An improvement on the hot dog
c. A food group worthy of far more respect than "grains"

5. When tailgating, it is best to stop drinking:
a. about 20 minutes before kickoff so there's time to clean up
b. An hour before game time, so you're clear-headed enough to second-guess your offensive coordinator
c. Is this a trick question?

6. You're a Chief's fan and Priest Holmes surprises you by showing up at your tailgate party. You:
a. Offer him a polish sausage and a beer
b. Introduce him to all your friends
c. Stunned, fall face first into the French onion dip

7. Say there's a football strike. You would satisfy your urge to tailgate by:
a. Sitting down to dinner with your family on Sunday and enjoy the food and conversation
b. Support the local college team
c. Round up your best friends, head out to the empty stadium parking lot, fire up the grill, and pop in a tape of last year's win against Indianapolis

8. Mel Kiper Jr. is rating tailgate cities. He would say:
a. Chicago is the best because of the brats
b. Kansas City is the best because of the Bar-B-Que
c. Don't go to Arizona because of the Bidwells

Score yourself. You'll know if you are a true tailgater!



Quantas Airlines
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form as to what remedial action was taken. The pilot then reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Quantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, to date, Quantas is the only major airline that has yet to have a major accident.

(P=problem logged by pilot)
(S=solution/action taken by mechanics)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight Okay, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
 

StevOz

Administrator
Staff member
Site Supporters
OK, some of these are old so you may have them, though they are good ones. :D

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds ". . . think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm . . the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer . . . wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

LITTLE Billy ON ...GETTING OLDER
Little Billy was sitting on a park bench munching
on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from
him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't
good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and
make you fat."

Little Billy replied, "My grandfather lived to be
107 years old." "Oh?" replied the man. "Did your grand
father eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own f***ing business!!"

LITTLE Billy ON... MATH:
Little Billy returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father."
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied Billy.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the f***ing difference? " asks the father.
"That's what I said!"

LITTLE Billy ON...ENGLISH:
Little Billy goes to school, and the teacher says,
"Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words,
class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Billy says " Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Billy, that's a mouthful."
Little Billy says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob

LITTLE Billy ON...GRAMMAR:
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher
asked for a show hands from those who could use the
word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First she called on little Suzie, who responded
with,
"My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and
she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then
called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned
out beautifully."

The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then,
she reluctantly called on little Billy.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my
father that she was pregnant, and he said
"Beautiful, just f***ing beautiful!"

Little billy on a big question:

One Friday the teacher told the class that anyone who answered the "Friday question" could have Monday off school. The kids all got excited. She said "Today's Friday question is how many litres of water are in the ocean?" All the kids sat there looking blank. "Oh well, see you all on Monday"

The next Friday came and the teacher said "Today's Friday question is..."

Just then two squash balls rolled down to the front of the classroom. All the kids laughed

"Alright! Whose the comedian with the black balls?"

"Eddie Murphy miss! See you Tuesday!" replied little Billy


Q. What's the difference between Charles Mansion and an ex-girlfriend ?

A. Charles Mansion has the decency to look like a nut when you first meet him.

4 People in a room,
A dumb blonde
A smart blonde
A smart blonde
Father Christmas
In the room on the table was a chocolate bar, the lights went out for a minute, when they came back on the bar was gone
Q: Who ate the chocolate bar ?

A: The dumb blonde, the other 3 are fictional Characters.
Two females and a male are applying for a job with the FBI.
The first female is taken aside, given a gun and said "go into this room and shoot your husband, only then will we know if you've got what it takes".
The first woman walks into the room. After about 30 seconds the woman comes out crying and says "I couldnt do it, I just couldnt shoot my husband.. I'm not ment for this job".

The second woman is told the same thing, she enters the room and emerges visably upset saying she could never murder somebody, especially her partner.

The man is also given the gun and told to enter the room to kill his wife. The door closes, all is silent for a couple of minutes, before everybody could here loud banging and smashing noises, followed by screams of agony....then silence.

The man opens the door, covered in sweat and blood and says to the FBI agents "This damn gun was loaded with blanks so I had to beat her to death with the chair".

Popular Dave:
Dave's boss call's Dave into his office late on Friday afternoon. "Look Dave, I'm sorry to have to do this to you, but I'm going to have to let you go. You're not bringing anything to the business anymore."
"That's bullshit," says Dave. "I have connections all over the world, in fact I think you would have trouble finding someone that I don't know personally.".
His boss just rolls his eyes but Dave insists that he be allowed to prove his connections to his boss.
Alright, says the boss. I bet you that you don't know Cathy Freeman. Oh too easy boss. They fly over to Freeman's house and sure enough, Cathy was delighted to see Dave. Apparently they go back for years. A little flustered his boss says, "Alright smart ass how about George W. Bush"
"No worries," says Dave.
They fly over to Washington and low and behold as soon as Dave enters the White House Bush says Hello and how are you, and cancelled a meeting with congress to have lunch with Dave.
Now his boss was a little confused. I bet you don't know the pope, said Dave's boss. No worries says Dave, me and the pope go back from before he even was the pope, my mothers side of the family is Polish. So they fly to the Vatican and they are standing out in the crowd. Dave says That it isnt gonna work, the pope won't be able to see him. So he decides he will just go up on the balcony with the pope, after all he knew all the security guards anyway. Half an hour Dave was up on the balcony with the pope and he saw his boss faint! He ran back down and came to his boss's aid. Boss, Boss, whats wrong, said Dave.
"I was doing fine until the guy next to me asked - Who the fuck is up there on the balcony with Dave?"

A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it.

"I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool."

So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?"

The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the jerk who pushed me in!"

Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing
down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail
and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other,
figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you
throwing those nails away?"

The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's
pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If
it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"

The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You moron!
The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the
other side of the house!"

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.

"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"

"Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?"

"Opened a can of peas instead."
The Statue

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water.

Jesus Is Watching

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"

"Probably the same kind of people that would name a rotweiller Jesus," the bird answered.
Little Jonny (Billy's farmer cousin) goes out to feed the chickens in the coop and sees that one is dead, laying on the ground with its legs in the air. Tearfully Jonny runs to his father and asks why the chicken is dead and why its legs are in the air. His father replies that it was his time to go to heaven and his legs are in the air so God can pick him up.

Two weeks later Jonny comes running bawling his eyes out to his father again. After calming him down his dad asks what's wrong.

Jonny replies "I just saw mummy laying on her back with her feet in the air shouting "Oh God I'm coming, I'm coming" and if Uncle George hadn't been there to hold her down we would have lost her for sure!"

The teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word fascinate."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "good, but I wanted the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said that since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cussed he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift.
Two days before Christmas Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted.
Johnny said, "I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right fuckin here beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning. Then when I go downstairs I want to see a motherfuckin' train going around the goddamned tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed fuckin' bike leaning up against the damn garage!"
Christmas morning Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage.
When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad
smiled and asked, "So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?"
Johnny replied, "I think I got a goddamned dog but I can't find the son of a bitch."

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his dick in
preparation of sex with his wife. Johnny's father in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it bent over as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad?"
His father qiuckly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed, to which Little Johnny replied "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"

A traveling salesman rings the doorbell and 10-year old Little Johnny answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"
Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What the fuck do you think?"

The third grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class: "Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow/And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go." She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her."
A few days later she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny raised his hand and recited, "Mary had a little pig, an ornery little runt/He stuck his nose in Mary's clothes, and smelled her little-" he stopped and asked the teacher if she wanted poetry or prose.
"Prose!" the teacher said weakly.
So Johnny said, "Asshole."

Michael the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession to suckle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Haratio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Haratio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Michael the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Michael the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to have Haratio the Physician arrange it and that he would gladly pay the 1,000 gold coins for the chance to satisfy his desires for the Queen.

The next day, Haratio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's massive brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Haratio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure the Queen's itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Michael the Dragon Slayer had present the antidote to cure the itch.

King Arthur quickly summoned Michael the Dragon Slayer. Haratio the Physician then slipped Michael the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put it into his mouth, and for the next four hours, worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Michael the Dragon Slayer left not only satisfied, but as a hero.

Upon returning to his chambers, Michael the Dragon Slayer found Haratio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Michael the Dragon Slayer could have cared less, and -- knowing that Haratio the Physician could never report the matter to the King -- shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Haratio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into King Arthur's loincloth. King Arthur quickly summoned Michael the Dragon Slayer...

MORAL: Pay your bills

Little Jonny and his dad walking past a lake with two ducks in it,
"what are those ducks doing daddy ?"
"They are making ducklings"
Later on, passing a field with a cow and a bull,
"What are they doing daddy ?"
"They are making a calf"
Almost home, they pass two dogs in the street,
"What are they doing daddy ?"
"They are making puppies"
Later that night, Jonny couldn't sleep, crept into his parent's bedroom, lifted the blanket and said,
"What are you doing daddy ?"
"Making you a little baby brother or sister"

"Oh, could you roll mum over I'd rather have a puppy"

3 guys were on a ship - a rabbi, a protestant pastor and a catholic priest. Suddenly, the captain announced on the pa, "The ship is about to sink... save yourselves"

Rabbi: "What about the children?"
Pastor: "Fuck the children..."
Priest: "Do we have time?"
 

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
Thanks Penquin, I really liked the Country Wisdom, and the others are pretty good too. And Steve, I knew you'd come through for me. I bet you have almost as many jokes as you do web links. And your Little Billy sounds a lot like I suppose Little StevOz was. Thanks again.

John
 

StevOz

Administrator
Staff member
Site Supporters
The Pirate (gag)
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

"Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them chit in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from bird chit."

"It was my first day with the hook."
 

StevOz

Administrator
Staff member
Site Supporters
2 Italians on a bus (gag)
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives........."

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.......... "Who talkin' abouta sexa?..... I'm a justa tellin' my frienda, how to spella 'Mississippi!"



__________________
 

penguin66

Pinball Wizard
And my parents come through again. These were in todays e-mail

TOP 30 THINGS THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:
30. Oh I just couldn't, she's only thirteen.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
26. We don't keep firearms in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
23. Wrestling is fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who gives a damn who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the SMALL bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are too big.
11. I've got it all on the C:drive.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
9. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
8. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
7. Checkmate.
6. She's too young to wear a bikini.
5. I need to check my e-mail.
4. I don't have a favorite college team.
3. You All.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.
AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:
1. Nope, no more for me, I'm driving






Subject: Doctors v/s Guns

Doctors:
The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.
Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year are 120,000.
Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171. (Statistics courtesy of U.S. Dept of Health Human services and is a conservative number.)

Now think about this:
Guns:
The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000. Yes, that is 80 million.
The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.0000188.
Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
Remember, "Guns don't kill people, doctors do."
Fact: Not everyone has a gun, but almost everyone has at least one doctor:
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!

Out of concern for the public at large, I have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention.

The most wasted day of all is that one which we have not laughed
 

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
You are a lucky lady Penquin, to have such humorous parents, although I'm sure you don't find them as entertaining all the time as I do. I often wondered why other people's parents seem so much neater than our own, no matter what age we are. On the other hand, my dad was probably the niftiest fellow I've ever known.

John
 

penguin66

Pinball Wizard
I agree with you John that I have some humorous parents. I don't think I'd have agreed 20 years ago, but now that I don't live in the same town as they do, I am beginning to appreciate them more and more.

I'll add a few more jokes to your list that came from co-workers today. I like the fact that I have such amusing co-workers as well.


Energy Efficient Windows
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. But this week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them.

Boy oh boy, did we go around! Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me... that in one year the windows
would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end, so I just hung up, and I haven't heard back from him.

Guess I won that stupid argument.



A Jewish Kid in a Catholic School
Little Zachary, a Jewish kid, was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, entors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of to help his math! Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.

After the first day little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time day after day while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room, and hit the books. With great trepidation his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.

She went to his room and said: "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT was it?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."



Trying to dress an active little one is like trying to thread a sewing machine while it's running.
There are only two things that a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and their mother's age.
Cleaning your house while your kids are at home is like trying to shovel the driveway during a snowstorm.
Kids really brighten a household; they never turn off any lights.
Shouting to make your kids obey is like using a horn to steer your car, and you get about the same results.
Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he/she can tell when they are really in trouble.




A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord,
I pray for:
Wisdom, To understand a man.
Love, To forgive him and;
Patience, For his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength
I'll just beat him to death




FUNERAL PROCESSION:
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file. The woman was so curious that she respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?" "My husband's." "What happened to him?" The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him." She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?" The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her." A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. "Can I borrow the dog?" "Get in line."
 

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
Thanks again, young lady, I'm going to send her the Woman's Prayer and the Funeral joke. I'm sure she'll enjoy them as much as I did.

John
 

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
Well, since ther haven't been any new postings for a while, I got one that Penquin might enjoy, again, from my friend Patsy.

What I Want In A Man!


What I Want in a Man, Original List:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer thing
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover


What I Want in a Man, Revi! sed List (age 32)

1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)

1. Not too ugly (bald head OK) 2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - slrge s on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)


1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
! 5. Doesn't retell the same jketoo many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends


What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that ! it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)


1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet


The older us guys get, the more impossible the demands become.

John
 

penguin66

Pinball Wizard
That's a good one John! I know I had a couple of good ones yesterday. I'll have to send them when I get back to the office--I'm taking a class this afternoon. Wish it was fun, but instead it is Micro$oft Acce$$.
 

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
Of course Panda, me too, for several reasons. First, they figure we're harmless, and often they're right. But also, as women age their eyesight weakens, sometimes their judgement is impaired, and their standards are lowered. I wonder when the Dating Game will become the Mating Game, with the reduced morals of society.

John :oldman
 

Bendigo

Pinball Player
Anger management

ANGER MANAGEMENT

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know ...........


I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a phone call I'd forgotten to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered, saying "Hello." I politely said, "This is Chris. Could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.


I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number. After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.


When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' days would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company. I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?" He yelled "NO!" and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an asshole!"


One day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot. Some guy in a black BMW cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot.

The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole ( I had his number on speed dial,) I thought that I'd better call the BMW asshole too. I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house, and the car's parked right out in front."

"What's your name?" I asked.

"My name is Don Hansen," he said.

When is a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

"Listen,Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes?"

"Don, you're an asshole." Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea. I called Asshole #1.

"Hello."

"You're an asshole!" (But I didn't hang up.)


"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed.

"Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house, with my black Beamer parked in front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."

I said Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."


Then I called Asshole #2. "Hello?" he said.

"Hello, asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.


I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."


Then I hung up and immediately called the police, saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 13 News about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.


I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th street. There I saw two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of six squad cars, a police helicopter and a news crew.


NOW I feel much better. Anger Management really works
 

Bendigo

Pinball Player
son:

Daddy, how was I born?

dad:

Ah, well, my son, one day you will need to find out anyway!
Mom and Dad got together in a chat room on MSN. Dad set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cybercafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, and then your mother downloaded from dad's memory stick. As soon as dad was ready for an upload, it was discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall. Since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later the blessed little virus appeared.
 

elton

Pinball Wizard
Cats

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats are.

The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called to his cat, "Tsquare, do your stuff." Tsquare pranced over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said, "What can your cat do?".

The Government Worker called to his cat and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, s**t on the paper, screwed the other three cats, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.
 

elton

Pinball Wizard
Not sure whether this will travel well but I'll try it anyway .....

A shepherd is herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advances out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and says to the shepherd:

"If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, who is obviously a yuppie, then turns to his peaceful, grazing flock and calmly answers, "OK, why not?"

So the yuppie parks his car, whips out his IBM Thinkpad, connects it to his mobile phone, surfs the Internet and finds a NASA site. Then, using the Web site, he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system and scans the area.
Next he opens up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas and after a few minutes he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised printer.

Eventually he turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep."

"That's correct," says the shepherd "you can take one of the sheep."

He watches as the young man selects one of the animals and bundles it into his car, then says: "Hold on a minute, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

"OK, why not?" answers the young man.

"That's easy," says the shepherd "you're a consultant."

"That's spot on," says the yuppie, clearly amazed, "but how did you guess that?"

"There was no guessing required," answers the shepherd.

"You turned up here, even though nobody called you. You expect to get paid to give me an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't even know a thing about my business. Now give me back my dog."
 

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
Well, I don't know if it flies, but it's at least wagging its tail, or should I say tale? I can't believe all these fantasic jokes you folks keep posting. Me, I can only remember two or three jokes, so I'm easily amused by rereading these every few months.

John
 

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
Snowmen's summer job

A friend sent me this, and I couldn't stop laughing.

John
 

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tiltjlp

PN co-founder
Can Coldwater Clean Dishes?

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Tennessee. After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have ! tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg. Once aga in he asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret. I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, it was time for John to drive back home. As he was walking out to his car, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car."

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ...... "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"
 
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