OK, some of these are old so you may have them, though they are good ones. :D
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?" He quickly adds ". . . think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm . . the suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer . . . wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
LITTLE Billy ON ...GETTING OLDER
Little Billy was sitting on a park bench munching
on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from
him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't
good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and
make you fat."
Little Billy replied, "My grandfather lived to be
107 years old." "Oh?" replied the man. "Did your grand
father eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own f***ing business!!"
LITTLE Billy ON... MATH:
Little Billy returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father."
"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3?' I said 6," replied Billy.
"But that's right!" says his dad.
"Yeah, but then she asked me, 'How much is 3x2?'"
"What's the f***ing difference? " asks the father.
"That's what I said!"
LITTLE Billy ON...ENGLISH:
Little Billy goes to school, and the teacher says,
"Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words,
class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"
Billy says " Mas-tur-bate."
Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little Billy, that's a mouthful."
Little Billy says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob
LITTLE Billy ON...GRAMMAR:
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher
asked for a show hands from those who could use the
word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.
First she called on little Suzie, who responded
with,
"My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and
she looked beautiful in it."
"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then
called on little Michael.
"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned
out beautifully."
The teacher responded, "Excellent, Michael!" Then,
she reluctantly called on little Billy.
"Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my
father that she was pregnant, and he said
"Beautiful, just f***ing beautiful!"
Little billy on a big question:
One Friday the teacher told the class that anyone who answered the "Friday question" could have Monday off school. The kids all got excited. She said "Today's Friday question is how many litres of water are in the ocean?" All the kids sat there looking blank. "Oh well, see you all on Monday"
The next Friday came and the teacher said "Today's Friday question is..."
Just then two squash balls rolled down to the front of the classroom. All the kids laughed
"Alright! Whose the comedian with the black balls?"
"Eddie Murphy miss! See you Tuesday!" replied little Billy
Q. What's the difference between Charles Mansion and an ex-girlfriend ?
A. Charles Mansion has the decency to look like a nut when you first meet him.
4 People in a room,
A dumb blonde
A smart blonde
A smart blonde
Father Christmas
In the room on the table was a chocolate bar, the lights went out for a minute, when they came back on the bar was gone
Q: Who ate the chocolate bar ?
A: The dumb blonde, the other 3 are fictional Characters.
Two females and a male are applying for a job with the FBI.
The first female is taken aside, given a gun and said "go into this room and shoot your husband, only then will we know if you've got what it takes".
The first woman walks into the room. After about 30 seconds the woman comes out crying and says "I couldnt do it, I just couldnt shoot my husband.. I'm not ment for this job".
The second woman is told the same thing, she enters the room and emerges visably upset saying she could never murder somebody, especially her partner.
The man is also given the gun and told to enter the room to kill his wife. The door closes, all is silent for a couple of minutes, before everybody could here loud banging and smashing noises, followed by screams of agony....then silence.
The man opens the door, covered in sweat and blood and says to the FBI agents "This damn gun was loaded with blanks so I had to beat her to death with the chair".
Popular Dave:
Dave's boss call's Dave into his office late on Friday afternoon. "Look Dave, I'm sorry to have to do this to you, but I'm going to have to let you go. You're not bringing anything to the business anymore."
"That's bullshit," says Dave. "I have connections all over the world, in fact I think you would have trouble finding someone that I don't know personally.".
His boss just rolls his eyes but Dave insists that he be allowed to prove his connections to his boss.
Alright, says the boss. I bet you that you don't know Cathy Freeman. Oh too easy boss. They fly over to Freeman's house and sure enough, Cathy was delighted to see Dave. Apparently they go back for years. A little flustered his boss says, "Alright smart ass how about George W. Bush"
"No worries," says Dave.
They fly over to Washington and low and behold as soon as Dave enters the White House Bush says Hello and how are you, and cancelled a meeting with congress to have lunch with Dave.
Now his boss was a little confused. I bet you don't know the pope, said Dave's boss. No worries says Dave, me and the pope go back from before he even was the pope, my mothers side of the family is Polish. So they fly to the Vatican and they are standing out in the crowd. Dave says That it isnt gonna work, the pope won't be able to see him. So he decides he will just go up on the balcony with the pope, after all he knew all the security guards anyway. Half an hour Dave was up on the balcony with the pope and he saw his boss faint! He ran back down and came to his boss's aid. Boss, Boss, whats wrong, said Dave.
"I was doing fine until the guy next to me asked - Who the fuck is up there on the balcony with Dave?"
A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it.
"I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool."
So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.
In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?"
The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the jerk who pushed me in!"
Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing
down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail
and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other,
figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you
throwing those nails away?"
The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's
pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If
it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"
The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You moron!
The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the
other side of the house!"
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm very sorry," replied her friend, "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."
The Statue
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water.
Jesus Is Watching
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze.
When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the hell are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"
"Probably the same kind of people that would name a rotweiller Jesus," the bird answered.
Little Jonny (Billy's farmer cousin) goes out to feed the chickens in the coop and sees that one is dead, laying on the ground with its legs in the air. Tearfully Jonny runs to his father and asks why the chicken is dead and why its legs are in the air. His father replies that it was his time to go to heaven and his legs are in the air so God can pick him up.
Two weeks later Jonny comes running bawling his eyes out to his father again. After calming him down his dad asks what's wrong.
Jonny replies "I just saw mummy laying on her back with her feet in the air shouting "Oh God I'm coming, I'm coming" and if Uncle George hadn't been there to hold her down we would have lost her for sure!"
The teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.
Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word fascinate."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "good, but I wanted the word "fascinate."
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.
Johnny said, "My sister has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."
Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said that since Christmas was coming up that he should ask Johnny what he wanted Santa to bring him. If he cussed he should leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gift.
Two days before Christmas Johnny's dad asked Johnny what he wanted.
Johnny said, "I want a goddamned teddy-bear laying right fuckin here beside me when I wake-up Christmas morning. Then when I go downstairs I want to see a motherfuckin' train going around the goddamned tree, and when I go outside I want to see a red-assed fuckin' bike leaning up against the damn garage!"
Christmas morning Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a big pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw a bunch of dog shit around the Christmas tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage.
When he walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad
smiled and asked, "So Johnny, what did Santa bring you this year?"
Johnny replied, "I think I got a goddamned dog but I can't find the son of a bitch."
Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his dick in
preparation of sex with his wife. Johnny's father in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it bent over as if to look under the bed.
Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad?"
His father qiuckly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed, to which Little Johnny replied "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"
A traveling salesman rings the doorbell and 10-year old Little Johnny answers, holding a beer and smoking a fat cigar. The salesman says, "Little boy, is your mother home?"
Little Johnny taps his ash on the carpet and says, "What the fuck do you think?"
The third grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class: "Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow/And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go." She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her."
A few days later she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny raised his hand and recited, "Mary had a little pig, an ornery little runt/He stuck his nose in Mary's clothes, and smelled her little-" he stopped and asked the teacher if she wanted poetry or prose.
"Prose!" the teacher said weakly.
So Johnny said, "Asshole."
Michael the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession to suckle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Haratio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Haratio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Michael the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Michael the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to have Haratio the Physician arrange it and that he would gladly pay the 1,000 gold coins for the chance to satisfy his desires for the Queen.
The next day, Haratio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's massive brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.
Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Haratio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure the Queen's itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Michael the Dragon Slayer had present the antidote to cure the itch.
King Arthur quickly summoned Michael the Dragon Slayer. Haratio the Physician then slipped Michael the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put it into his mouth, and for the next four hours, worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Michael the Dragon Slayer left not only satisfied, but as a hero.
Upon returning to his chambers, Michael the Dragon Slayer found Haratio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Michael the Dragon Slayer could have cared less, and -- knowing that Haratio the Physician could never report the matter to the King -- shooed him away with no payment made.
The next day, Haratio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into King Arthur's loincloth. King Arthur quickly summoned Michael the Dragon Slayer...
MORAL: Pay your bills
Little Jonny and his dad walking past a lake with two ducks in it,
"what are those ducks doing daddy ?"
"They are making ducklings"
Later on, passing a field with a cow and a bull,
"What are they doing daddy ?"
"They are making a calf"
Almost home, they pass two dogs in the street,
"What are they doing daddy ?"
"They are making puppies"
Later that night, Jonny couldn't sleep, crept into his parent's bedroom, lifted the blanket and said,
"What are you doing daddy ?"
"Making you a little baby brother or sister"
"Oh, could you roll mum over I'd rather have a puppy"
3 guys were on a ship - a rabbi, a protestant pastor and a catholic priest. Suddenly, the captain announced on the pa, "The ship is about to sink... save yourselves"
Rabbi: "What about the children?"
Pastor: "Fuck the children..."
Priest: "Do we have time?"