No Fear? No Fanks!

LeeVanCleef

Pinball Lizard
Site Supporters
I think I’m immune to the charms of the pinball subgenre that is “the Williams ‘Giant-Talking-Head’ machines”. I guess Circus Voltaire was okay. Fuck Funhouse and fuck that creepy dummy. Red and Ted just made me feel like I was punching hillbillies in the face for 10 minutes. I suppose that’s a valid idea for a game, just not what I signed up for. And now there’s No Fear, available in the Pinball Arcade Season 5 pack. And it may be the worst one of them all. The pinball industry has spent decades showing that they’re ready to jump on a trend, no matter how little they understand it or how much it will annoy future generations (please see Williams banana-flippered Disco Fever machine).
nana flippers.jpg
No Fear is the pinball equivalent of a mid-’90s Mountain Dew commercial. That’s a place that I only visit in my nightmares, not one I choose to spend time with. The Giant Talking Skull spends the whole game shouting at you like your 6th-grade gym teacher who just finished smoking a pack of Camel filterless. Worse yet, it’s almost impossible to make the shot that will punch him in the face so you’re robbed of the one vital emotional release that would make this game fun, other than being able to break the glass, reach in and grab that fucking skull and stomp on it with all your weight. The play itself is pretty boring… all it’s got to offer is ramps and loops and that gets old fast without anything else to distract you.
I’m of the firm belief that most pinball machines don’t need more than two flippers to be fun. The useless extra flipper in this game scores a 6 out of 6 “third-nipple” awards. By the time your brain registers that it’s time to use the third flipper, the ball’s in the outlane and the Giant Talking Skull is screaming at you again.
This also brings to mind the question of who the hell's in charge of deciding what tables Pinball Arcade releases. Almost 6 years in and there's no Eight Ball Deluxe but they've got No Fear. Looking for a late-'80s Bally? No Game Show, but, lucky us, we get to play Dr. Dude! I don't care how smart the horse looks when he's wearing glasses and a hat, quit letting him pick what tables are released!
 
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sleepy

Pinball Wizard
Site Supporters
Would you mind if I took credit for those banana flippers? As long as 2 out of 5 ain't bad.
Not sure about Voltaire though. Funky Williams family...Bally family...Sinatra family...

But No. I had Nothing to do with No Fear, and the folks made Damn Sure to fill me up with their 'custom sour milk' every time I left home to play it. But I'll be back...later.
Currently I think I would like to see a "District 9" machine, based on the movie.
Free the Alien from his cell. If you dare!
 

sleepy

Pinball Wizard
Site Supporters
On the flip side, could be "Twilight Zone II" with The Devil in the Jailhouse (known as "The Howling Man"), Nightmare at 20,000 Feet, Night Calls, The Resurrectionist, Eye of the Beholder, The Masks, and other Spine-Tingling Tales of Imagination...that my Uncle Susann still owes me for from the grave. The Crepe.

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