• Many thanks to Ian Longstaff for his lovely table roundups, posted on YT. And here is... WEEK SEVEN!

    Also, here's our browser games collection, for those who are playful.
  • Google Translate to French or Other Languages Click on the link and a new tab will open with this page translated into French.
    Click on the "To:" pull down option to select a different language. Users will not be logged in on the new Google tab.

P.R Drizzle's guide to table building

highrise

Pinball Wizard
Hi guys

As you know, I do enjoy my historical research, and recently I discovered a document that may very well change how you approach the building of tables in VP. I hope you won't mind me publishing it, and I hope it proves useful...



P.R Drizzle's Anonymous guide to table guide building.

Yes folks, here it is. After much patience and painstaking research, we are finally able to bring you the previously unpublished masterpiece that is Swizzle's guide to table building in five easy to remember steps. This could well be the most important and valuable pinball related document yet released.

Note: This is a work of fiction. P.R Drizzle is a character in this fictional world. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is entirely co-incidental. If you are easily offended by highly offensive material, please wait until after you've seen it to be warned not to look. Furthermore, the opinions and views express herein do not necessarily represent the views of the author.

Drizzle's Guide to Table Building

Building tables the Drizzle way couldn't be easier. Simply follow these simple steps.

Stage 1 - Preparation
It's very important before you begin that you meditate to clear your mind. Take time to ensure that your mind is as empty as it can possibly be. Forget everything you know about building pinball tables. Actually, forget everything you know about pinball. In fact, forget everything you know about the creative thought process, and disregard all knowledge of spelling and grammar too. To do this properly, you need to attain a child-like innocence that can only be achieved through the purity and clarity of an empty head. If you can't empty your head completely, the only thing remaining should be an ever growing sense of paranoia (you will find this useful later). If meditation fails, try banging your head against a brick wall several times until you feel you have lost sufficient IQ points to continue to stage 2.

Stage 2 - Subject Matter
Now, having finally got to the point where you are practically incapable of original thought, you are ready to come up with a subject. Traditionally, pinball has been a medium to celebrate popular culture - movies, sports, tv shows, video games and so on have all been used as themes. Forget all that, this is the new Pinball, the greatest propaganda weapon known to man. Through it, we can reach millions and bring them round to our way of thinking. Since you are now in a state of higher consciousness, freed from the straightjackets of individual talent and attention to detail, choose a subject that will do the hard work of grabbing people's attention for you. Try to pick a subject that is close to your heart, something that will really strike people as original, and most importantly, something that will obscure the fact that the pinball content of the table itself is sub-standard. Suggestions for this could be anything from drug abuse, to the Asian Tsunami. Perhaps a table with images of people dying of Aids, it's really up to you! Don't be afraid to single out individuals for personal attacks, and remember, the more offensive and graphic you are, the more attention you will get, and the less likely it will be that people will notice the lack of substance.

Stage 3 - Table construction
The key here is to get the table to do the work for you. Stick the bumpers and targets wherever you feel like. Just because you have no original ideas of your own, don't fret. Just take other people's ideas, but make sure that you implement them so badly that your audience will be convinced that you must have come up with them yourself, since the wouldn't be worth stealing. Whatever else you do, try to ensure that the table doesn't quite work properly - targets that don't reset are always a great feature. And remember the golden rule of graphics - never try to make your images look like they actually fit on the table. This is Pinball Verité, it is about exposing the truth, and as a result, people need to clearly see that the graphics have been lifted from avatars and other people's websites, not made up yourself.

Stage 4 - Public Relations and advertising.

They don't call him P.R Drizzle for nothing, and there is nothing to do with Public Relations that he doesn't know about. Remember, although most people will love the tables you produce, there's nothing wrong with announcing them like they are the second coming. From a P.R perspective, despite everything you do, there are bound to be one or two people who don't like them. This is not down to personal taste of course - it's because they are wrong, they are philistines who know nothing about the new movement you are championing. Because of this, if someone doesn't like your work, the best way of dealing with them is to become abusive and aggressive. Sending private messages full of swear words are a great way of doing a sneak attack too. Again, the rule here is simple - the more unreasonable and repentant you can be, the better. Most importantly, remember that if people don't like what you've done or said, you should always make sure that you blame them. It's their problem after all, not yours. It's mind over matter. You don't mind, and they don't matter.

Stage 5 - After Sales care

If, after you have submitted them to heavy abuse, some people are still not convinced of your skills and continue to complain, having the cheek to suggest you shut up or even get banned, remember the golden rule of Drizzle. You are NEVER wrong, which means they must be. Don't back down, don't apologise, and if you can manage it, try to find even more offensive material to convince them of your talent. And remember, if other people don't like the way you treat them, it serves them right for messing with you. If there is one thing you should take from all of these lessons, it's that you should never feel responsible for your actions or the impact you have on the sensitivities of others. They are wrong to have such sensitivities in the first place.

That's really all there is to it! Keep practising. If you need to improve your abuse skills, try swearing in front of a mirror. It really works! Follow these rules and you'll soon be pinball masterpieces that will grace the recycle bins of a thousand homes.
 

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
Wonderful read. The same is that I'm pretty sure that the intended target is way too self-absorbed and lacking of any common sense to benefit from your work of fiction. My uncle used to say that if it looked like dog droppings and smelled liie dog droppings it must be dog droppings. Your Mr. Drizzle fits that saying to a T, but to call Mr. Drizzle dog droppings would insult both dogs and their droppings.
 
General chit-chat
Help Users
  • No one is chatting at the moment.
    There are no messages in the chat. Be the first one to say Hi!
    Top