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While driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was
halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped
my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear
which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and even connected an important call.
And yes, you've ysed it a lot, but that's OK. And a pun is almost any joke that makes you groan as you laugh. And we're a lot looser than shiva's. You'll be able to be the Joke Master with no trouble, Robert! And I could teach your wife all the best wrestling moves.
What you call a pun is what my favorite old card playing crony would refer to as a corny joke. He always says, I got a corny joke for you, an I immediately start to groan. He then tells me a joke which is just plain silly, but he enjoys it so much that he starts to laugh, this in turn makes me start to laugh. I shouldn't really be laughing because I'm laughing at him and not his corny joke. Oh well, at least he makes me laugh :D
Yeah, that's what I call a pun, and yes, when I can rememeber one to tell I always laugh so much everyone else is laughing too . . . at me. But that is half the fun of corny puns. Invite your crony to join up here, and tell him I'll be laughing right along with him.
And I know two jokes, one I'll tell now, and one I'll save. The one I'm holding back I call the Carrot Joke and is wonderful, you'll love it. I'm laughiong already just thinking of it. And here's the first one, with the punch line in the next post.
A full drunken driver get stop by police.
The policeman comes to the car and shouts:
"Get out of the car, and come with me, at once!"
The drunken driver mumbles:
"O.k. I'll come with zyou - zertainly, but...
no more drink pleaze, zoday I'd really enouff!"
Tom Swifties are great, because of the word play, so keep them coming Steve. And yes Bob, it might be a bit gross, but it's also very funny, and funy should be the main thing, I think. I might even tell you my Carrot joke sometime, as it's one of only two jokes I know, and I already told the Bozo The Clone one. Since I can't remember jokes, I have to rely on all for you folks for my yuckles.
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.
The woman sneezed, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and then shuddered quite violently in her seat. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes passed. The woman sneezed again, took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered quite violently in her seat. The man was becoming more and more curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Again she took a tissue, gently wiped her nose and shuddered violently. The man had finally had all he could handle.
He turned to the woman and said, "You've sneezed three times, you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose, then shuddered violently! Are you all right?"
The woman replied, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man was feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious and said, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."
Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?" replied the man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
"No" replied Little Johnny, "he minded his own fucking business!!"
A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.
Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother.
"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out" replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out." Again the
mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a tinkle and a bullet
came out." "No," said the boy........
A typical office joke that's doing the rounds: Just though I'd share it with you!
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way, I'm a defective parrot."
"Good Grief!" the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me."
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah," the guy says. "Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says. "This is very embarrassing but since you asked
I'll tell you. I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook.
You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English, can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sport, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at Greek mythology. You really
ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssst," says the parrot. "I'm defective. So the truth is nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You'll probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer."
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises and is insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and parrot goes, "Pssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't
know if I should tell you this or not, but it is about your wife and the
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black negligee and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT????" the guy shouts. "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her negligee, kissing and petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "THEN WHAT?"
"He got down on his knees and continued to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down."
"WELL," demands the frantic guy. "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Buggered if I know," replied the parrot, "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"