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Puns, puns, and more puns

tiltjlp

PN co-founder
Puns folks, Puns

Thanks for the jokes folks, but many of these realyy belong in other threads, since they simply aren't puns in the pure sense. What follows are puns:

Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was
a-salted

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Old gardeners never die they just vegetate.

Don't expect a bonsai tree to grow the miniature planting it.

If you're looking for oranges on an apple tree you will have a fruitless search

My wife works over-thyme in her herb garden before she decides it is Time to cummin

On organic farms they till it like it is.

I will cut the grass only when I get Mowtivated

If you're a gardener you might call yourself a 'plant manager'

Sod farms provide instant grassification

My cat got stolen. I think she was taken by a purr snatcher.

The headlines this morning: They're being made by corduroy pillows

I know the correct way to scalp people, but I can't think of it off the top of my head.

In the Carribean, if the moon passes in front of the sun, they call it a
"total calypso the sun".

If Friar Tuck, while attending divinity school, had gotten Ph.D.s in both comparative theologies and Greek philosophy, would he then have
graduated as a really deep, fat friar...?

The manager of the opera house couldn't find the key, so he had to break
into song.

My potato gun was confiscated by the United Nations. They said I wasn't allowed to have weapons of mash destruction.

If you put beer into your water bed, do you end up with a foam mattress?

Why couldn't anyone play cards on the ark? Because Noah sat on the deck.

I had a huge argument with the manager of my local italian restaurant. But I gave him a pizza my mind.

People said I cut a fine figure as I rode through town on my beautiful white steed. They were right. I'd sat on my sword.

When a clock is hungry, does it go back four seconds?

Did you hear about the mathematician who turned off his heating because
he wanted to be cold and calculating?=20

Did you hear about the raisin who cheated on his wife? It was in the newspaper, in the current affairs section.

I wanted to grow a banana tree in England, but my friend said I might
have trouble with the climate. So I told him: "I don't want to climb it; I just want to grow it."

When the knight walked into the blacksmith's shop, the blacksmith said,
"Welcome, you've got mail."

I wanted to learn how to make ice-cream, so I started attending sundae
school.

What do you call a well behaved pet snake? A civil serpent.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad I take something for it.

What do you get when you divide the circumference of a jack-o-lantern by it's diameter? Pumpkin Pi.

I wanted to buy a half a rabbit, but the butcher didn't want to split hares.

Why was the Zombie surprised when his ghoulfiend showed up for their
date at 11pm? He didn't ex-spectre until midnight.

Trolls are always goblin their food too quickly. Fairy-nuff, but someone should tell them it's bad for their elf.

I asked for a pitcher full of beer.... So he brought me a drunk baseball player.

I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a mussel.


The first attempt to build the Channel Tunnel was started in France in the 1890s. It would have been the longest steam train tunnel in the world, but they stopped when they realised they'd Britain off more than they could choo.

John
 
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