• Many thanks to Ian Longstaff for his lovely table roundups, posted on YT. And here is... WEEK SEVEN!

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Some oldies - but goodies ( I Hope )

panda55

Pinball Wizard
Here are some more jokes I have nicked from around the traps.

** John, please feel free to move any you think are OK for regular public viewing. I'd rather leave that up to you, being the boss and all. :)

=============================================

Magic Beer

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter.
She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

"Magic Beer", he says.

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after
that there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting at the
bar and says,

"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window,
flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.

The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the
building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to
the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window,
plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says,
"You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk!"

========================================================

A skinny little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE
guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says, "7
feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch member, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound
right testicle, Turner Brown."

The little man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him gently. The big
guy says, "Hey, what's wrong with you?"

In a shaky, weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to
me?"


The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give
you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet
tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle
weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is
Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown! ...Sweet Jesus . I thought you said,
"Turn Around"!

=====================================================

Blonde haircut

A Blonde goes to a barber and asks for a haircut. The barber asks her to take off her headphones, and she says she needs them and can't take them off. As he starts to cut her hair, she falls asleep in the chair. The barber can't cut her hair correctly with the earphones on, so he removes them, and after 30 seconds she drops dead. Startled by what’s happened, he picks up the earphones to listen what it was and they said: "Breath in, breath out. Breath in, breath out..."

======================================================

How Smart Is Your Right Foot?


This is so funny that it will boggle your mind. you will keep trying it at least 50 times to see if you can outsmart your right foot....I will not happen no matter what things you may use to relax LOL


While sitting at your desk or on a chair, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles with it.
2. Now, while doing this, draw the number 6 in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction!!!






I told you so... And there is nothing you can do about it. Make sure you pass this on to your friends... Oh If you try the left foot and try to draw a number 9 it is the same.
They won't be able aswell and you won't feel like such a dickhead if they can't either!!

=====================================================

Just as a word of explanation, this guy Brian is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers out of Louisiana and performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an e-mail he sent to his sister. Excuse the language. Any time you think you are having a bad day at the office, remember this letter... It's a true story.


Hey, sis...
Just another note from your bottom dwelling brother. Last week, I had a bad day at the office. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year, the water is quite cool, so what we do to keep warm is this. We have a diesel-powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of shit sucks the water out of the sea and heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps the water down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now, this sounds like a damn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

When I got to the bottom and started working, I took the hose and stuffed it down the back of my neck. This flooded my whole suit with warm water. It was like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds, my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony, I realized what had happened: the hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. This is even worse than the poison ivy you once had under a cast.
Now I had that hose down my back. I don't have any hair on my back, so the jellyfish couldn't get stuck to my back. My ass crack was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the com, but his instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were laughing hysterically. Needless to say, I aborted the dive.

I was instructed to make 3 agonizing in-water compression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could come to the surface for my chamber dry compression. I got to the surface wearing nothing but my brass helmet. My suit and gear were tied to the bell. When I got on board, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to shove it up my ass when I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't shit for two days because my asshole was swollen shut. I later found out that this could easily have been prevented if the suction hose was placed on the leeward side of the ship.

Anyway, the next time you have a bad day at the office, think of me. Think about how much worse your day would be if you were to shove a jellyfish up your ass. I hope you have no bad days at the office. But if you do, I hope this will make them more tolerable

==================================================================

A man walked into a car showroom and spotted the car of his dreams. He walked over to inspect it. As he bent over to feel the fine leather upholstery, he broke wind. Embarrassed, he looked around nervously to see if anyone was nearby. A salesman approached and said, "Good day, Sir. How may I help you?"

The man replied, "What's the price of this car?"

The salesman answered, "Frankly, Sir, I'd rather not say."

He said, "Why not?"

The salesman said, "If you farted just touching it, you're going to shit yourself when you hear the price."

================================================================

One Liners ...

Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?
A.) Blow job: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.

Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.


Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego...
A.) "Is it in?"

Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A.) A red headed bitch with a yeast infection.

Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.

Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.

How can you tell if your house was built by lesbian carpenters? .......... It's all tongue in groove, with no studs

What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brown? Artificial Intelligence.

Q: What do a bleached blonde and a 747 have in common?
A: They both have little Black Boxes.

What's the best thing about receiving oral sex from a woman? Ten minutes of silence....

Q: Why can't Barbie get pregnant?
A: Because Ken comes in a different box.

Q: What do you get if you cross a pit bull with a hooker?
A: Your last blow job.

Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?
A: A bitch who won't do what she's told.

Q: Did you here about the dyslexic Satanist......
A: He sold his soul to Santa

Q: Why isn't George Michael allowed to vote?
A: He can't go into a cubicle alone.

Q: How do you know when you are getting old?
A: When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

Q: What's 100 yards long and smells of piss?
A: The Post Office queue on Thursday mornings.

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy.

======================================================

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.

"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a body like Arnold Schwarzenagger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this horse I'm, riding."

The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."

The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenagger's.

Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted,
"My God, I forgot I was riding the Mare!".

======================================================

A blonde woman is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas, so she stops at a gas station.

While she's pumping her gas, she notices that she locked the keys in the car.

So when she goes inside to pay, she asks the attendant for a hanger so that she can attempt to open the door herself.

She returns outside and begins to jimmy the lock.

Ten minutes later, the attendant comes out to see how the blonde is faring.

Outside the car, the blonde is moving the hanger around and around while the blonde inside the car is saying, "A little more to the left...a little more to the right !..."

=======================================================

Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Nancy sprays it on her wrist and smells it, ‘That's quite nice, don't you think, Kathy?’

Kathy takes a sniff and replies, ‘That is nice. What's it called?’

‘Viens a moi,’ replies Nancy.

‘Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?’

At this stage the assistant offers some help. ‘Viens a moi, ladies, means 'come to me' in French.’

Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Kathy again, and remarks, ‘That doesn't smell like come to me. Does that smell like come to you?’

======================================================

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The Bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.

The bishop was incredulous. "You have no arms!".

"No matter," said the man. "Observe!"

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?".

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

WAIT! WAIT! There's more . .

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty".

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly.

"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, but..."





( . . . Wait for it . . . )





(. . . It's worth it. . . )





. . He's a dead ringer for his brother

================================================================

Three men die and go to heaven. When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter asks them each one question: "How many times
have you cheated on your wife?"

The first one answers "Never!"
St. Peter checks the books, discovers the man is correct and gives him a Rolls-Royce to drive during his stay in heaven.

The second man answers "Oh, about 25-30 times."
He is given a Ford Pinto and sent on his way.

The third man answers "Maybe 400-500 times" and is assigned a bicycle.

A few months later, the three meet up .. The Pinto driver, and the bicycle rider notice the Rolls-Royce man has a long drawn-out sad look on his face. Puzzled, the other two query him as to "why the sad face?".

Mr. Rolls just looked at them and said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"

===============================================================

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,

Your $on


The Reply:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,

Dad

==============================================================

A guy has a crush on a girl at his work. He is dying to ask her out on a date, but every time he sees her, he gets the biggest erection ever. There is nothing he can do to control it.

After some time, he decides to get her phone number and call her up. This way, he won't have to see her and won't get too excited. He ends up asking her out and she says yes.

He figures what he'll do is tie his penis to his leg so when he sees her it'll be tied to his leg and she'll never notice it.

He gets to her house. When he knocks on her door, she answers the door in a sheer teddy.

He kicks her in the face.

=============================================================

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class.

"There are two things you need in order to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear."

Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked his finger.

"Now you must do the same," he told the class.

After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed.

"Second," the professor continued, "you must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this man's anus but licked my index finger?"

============================================================

Some points to ponder - [ I can't get enough of these :-) ]

Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is a boxing ring square?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the third hand on a clock called second hand?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?

Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance that the indestructible black box is made of?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive.

================================================================

The waiter brings over the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to start in on the meal, the lid of the pot rises a tiny amount and she sees two beedy little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

‘Jesus’, did you see that? she asks her husband. He hasn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises and again he sees two beedy eyes looking around before it firmly slams back down.

Rather pertruded he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening and demands an explanation. ‘Well sir’ says the waiter, ‘what did you order’?

‘We chose the same’ he replies, ‘the chicken surprise’

‘Oh I do apologise, this is all my fault’ says the waiter, I brought you the peking duck.

=================================================================

How Golf is like Urinating in a Public Restroom

10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.
9. Form a loose grip.

8. Keep your head down.

7. Avoid a quick backswing.

6. Stay out of the water.

5. Try not to hit anybody.

4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.

3. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.

2. Be quiet while others are about to go.

1. Keep strokes to a minimum.

==============================================================

It's the summer of 1957 and Richard goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.

Richard's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a duck tail hairdo.

When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" she says.

That's cool. Peggy Sue's mother asks Richard what they're planning to do.

Richard replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Richard and he says
"Wha...aaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"

Richard's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes, and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Richard escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Richard.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother:

"Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"

=========================================================
 
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