• Many thanks to Ian Longstaff for his lovely table roundups, posted on YT. And here is... WEEK SEVEN!

    Also, here's our browser games collection, for those who are playful.
  • Google Translate to French or Other Languages Click on the link and a new tab will open with this page translated into French.
    Click on the "To:" pull down option to select a different language. Users will not be logged in on the new Google tab.

What the heck, how about some jokes then

panda55

Pinball Wizard
Fanta and his wife, Jeeto, were living in a farm up in the hills. One day, Fanta found that the hole under the outhouse is full. He tells Jeeto that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.

Jeeto says, "Why don't you go ask Banta down the road?"

So, Fanta goes down to Banta's house and asks him, "My outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."

Banta tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the Sh*t all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole."

Fanta thanks him, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.

He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.

All of a sudden, Jeeto comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite... shooting the outhouse into the air.

BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite spreading Sh*t all over the farm.

WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.

Fanta races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Jeeto, are you all right?"

As she pulls herself up she says, "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen."
===========================================

A mother had three daughters and at their weddings she asked them to write home and tell her about their married life.

The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message: 'Maxwell Coffeehouse.' The mother was confused but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee ad, and it said, 'Satisfaction to the last drop...' So the mother was happy.

Then the second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her reply. The message read: 'Rothmans.' So the mother looked for the Rothmans ad, and it said, 'LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE.' And the mother was happy.

Then it was the third one's wedding. The mother was anxious. It took four weeks for a message to come through. When it did the message was simply: 'BRITISH AIRWAYS.'

The mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a BA ad. When she found one she fainted.

The ad read: 'TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS.'

======================================================================================

The Egg, the Scottsman and the Pom


There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg." The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching himself howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you." The Scotsman said, "Keep the damn egg."

====================================================================================

Nymphomaniac


A middle aged businessman goes to see his physician. "Doctor, I've got this problem," the man says. "My secretary, she loves to give blow jobs. Every morning when I get to work I get a blow job. She gives me a quick one before I leave for lunch. And before I leave work at the end of the day she really works me over."

"So what seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac," the man continued. "I service her every morning when we get up. I go home for a quick half hour every day at lunch and then we have a marathon session each night before we go to sleep."

"I still don't know what your problem is," said the doctor.
"You see Doc, every time I masturbate I get these dizzy spells."

===================================================================================

Todays Special


A guy goes into a diner and sits at the counter. He asks the waitress, "What's today's special?"

The waitress says, "Chili, but the man sitting next to you bought the last bowl."

So the guy says, "Okay, I'll just have a cup of coffee."

While the waitress goes for the coffee, the guy looks over at the man sitting next to him. He's eating a huge meal, but he's not touching the chili.

The guy says to him, "Excuse me, sir, are you going to eat that chili?"

The man says, "No, be my guest."

The guy slides the bowl over, picks up a spoon, and begins to eagerly devour the chili. He's almost finished when he notices the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. This makes the guy sick, and he pukes up everything he just ate back into the bowl.

The man sitting next to him looks over and calmly says, "Yep, that's about as far as I got, too."

===========================================================================

THE WEDDING TEST

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided
to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends
encouraged me.

My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering
me. That one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight
miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near
me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be
deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me
that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me
that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She
told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and
could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and
if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned.
I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she
reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the
stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the
front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked
straight toward my car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his
eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our
little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome
to the family!"

The moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

============================================================

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring
at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so
familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and
stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over
a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts
the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly,
one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches
for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the
Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The
arthritisI've had f or 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he
lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back
I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who knocks over a chair and a table
in trying to get away from the Son of God. "What's wrong my son?" says
Jesus.

The Scouser shouts, "F**k off, I'll lose my disability benefit!"

========================================================

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and
confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"

"Oh yeah? What happened?", asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home, and we
stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and were just about to
do it when her husband came in the front door. So I had
to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the edge by my
fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room, he said, 'Hey great! You're
naked already! Let me just take a leak. And damned if the lazy son of
a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head!"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head.
"No wonder you're in a lousy mood".

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they
finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
And where does it land? My forehead!"

"Damn, that's really a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the
husband had to make a dump. Turns out that their toilet is broken, so
he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose, right on my head!"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day"

"Yeah yeah, yeah", the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what
REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off?

When I looked down and saw that my feet were only six inches off the ground!"
********************************************************************

Little Johnny had not studied for his life science exam.

The teacher in the one room school house was giving an oral exam.

"What are the four main advantages of breast milk?" she asked.

"No need to boil." called one student."
And another?" the teacher questioned.

"It never goes sour." said another child.
"Correct." said the teacher.

"It is available whenever is necessary." called out another.

"Johnny." she asked. "Do you have the last answer?"

"Sure," he said. "It is available in attractive containers of varying sizes."

He got an "A".
 

panda55

Pinball Wizard
Another?

Liquor manufacturers have accepted the Government's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what happened to your clothes.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-boyfriends/girlfriends are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may be a major factor in getting your butt kicked.

WARNING: the crumsumpten of alcohol may Mack you tink you kan tpye reel gode.

=======================================================================

A family is sitting around the supper table. The son asks his
father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there? The father,
surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her
twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her
thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After
fifty,they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said,
"Mum, how many kinds of willies are there?" The mother, surprised,
smiles and looks at her daughter and answers, "Well dear, a man goes
through three phases. In a man's twenties, his willy is like an oak tree,
mighty and hard.
In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?"
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only"

=====================================================
Live on Radio
>
>
> This got Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why!
>
>
>
>
>
> Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.
>
>
>
>
>
> Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney. The
> DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called
> "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or
> seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers "yes", he or
> she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.
>
>
>
> The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone
> number) for verification. If their partner answers those name three
> questions correctly, they both win the prize. One particular game,
> however, several months ago made the Harbour City
> drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing you've
> heard yet.
>
>
>
>
>
> Anyway, here's how it all went down:
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"
>
>
> Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have."
>
>
> DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you
> win. What is your name? First only please."
>
>
> Contestant: "Brian."
>
>
> DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"
>
>
> Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married."
>
>
> DJ: "Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please."
>
>
> Brian: "Sara."
>
>
> DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"
>
>
> Brian: "She is gonna kill me."
>
>
> DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"
>
>
> Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."
>
>
> DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"
>
>
> Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."
>
>
> DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
>
>
> Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."
>
>
> DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"
>
>
> Brian: "About 10 minutes."
>
>
> DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that
> if a trip wasn't at stake."
>
>
> Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."
>
>
> DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this
> morning?
>
>
> Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."
>
>
> DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"
>
>
> Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for
> a couple of weeks..."
>
>
> DJ: "Uh huh..."
>
>
> Brian: "...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."
>
>
> DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."
>
>
> Brian: "On the kitchen table."
>
>
> DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred
> times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's
> work number and call her up. You listen to this."
>
>
>
>
>
> [3 minutes of commercials follow]
>
>
> DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" (Touch
> tones.....ringing....)
>
>
>
>
>
> Clerk: "Kinkos."
>
>
> DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"
>
>
> Clerk: "This is she."
>
>
> DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and
> I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."
>
>
> Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"
>
>
> DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give
> any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate
> Match'?"
>
>
> Sarah: "No."
>
>
> DJ: "Good!"
>
>
> Brian: (laughing)
>
>
> Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"
>
>
> Brian: (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely
> honest."
>
>
> DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your
> answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold
> Coast for 5 days on us.
>
>
> Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
>
>
> DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"
>
>
> Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."
>
>
> DJ: "What time?"
>
>
> Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."
>
>
> DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"
>
>
> Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."
>
>
> DJ: "Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his
> manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from
> a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"
>
>
> Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."
>
>
> DJ: "Where did you have it?"
>
>
> Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?"
>
>
> Brian: "Just tell him, honey."
>
>
> DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"
>
>
> Sarah: "Well..."
>
>
> DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?
>
>
> Sarah: "Up the arse....."
>
>
>
>
>
> After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"
>
>
>
>
>
> And the drivers of Sydney almost crashed their cars laughing!

===========================================================
 

panda55

Pinball Wizard
More Jokes

Subject: Rum & Coke

Priest was seated next to a Queenslander on a flight to Canberra.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Queenslander asked for a Bundy Rum and Coke, which was
brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked
the priest if he would like a drink.He replied in disgust
"I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Queenslander then handed his drink back to the attendant and said
"Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

====================================================================

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and made a nasty sign with his fingers at the woman.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I always smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic. And here's why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper to bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4,000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.

Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.

That means that every single day, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

=================================================================

Do this step by step..

1) Visit www.google.com

2) Click on "Language Tools"

3) Type "Britney's mom is very nice" in the Translate Text box.

4) Select "English to Spanish" in the combo below.

5) Press Translate and wait for the translation.

6) Now copy the translated text from the above text and paste it in the Translate text box below.

7) Select "Spanish to English" in the combo below.

==================================================================

John dies and arrives in hell. He’s met by the devil and told that each person is offered several choices of torture that run in 1,000-year cycles.
The devil leads him to room after room of torture, each more horrible than the next. Finally, they go to a room where a young college co-ed is performing oral sex on a man drinking beer.

John tells the devil, “This is more like it!â€

The devil says, “Are you sure? It lasts for a thousand years!â€

John replies, “Yes!â€

So the devil walks over to the young woman and says, “You can go now. I’ve found your replacement.â€

=================================================================

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the two gallons of red brick paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.

The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You finished already?" he asked.

"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

===============================================================

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant.

"That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"

==============================================================

A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out.

A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

She says, "Why, officer?"

"Because your breast is hanging out," he says.

She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"

=============================================================

Words that Women Use (and their possible meaning)

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up . Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine'

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care"
You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow".

GO AHEAD
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot"
when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

===============================================================

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.

In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

''No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,'' he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. ''Here,'' she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. ''I found them in the hallway.''

''Now,'' she said, ''if only I could find my parakeet.......''


--------



A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.''

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''It's no good, I'll have to do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?''

The trainer replies, ''Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!''


-------


Dog Property Rules

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If its in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If its broken, it's yours.


--------

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.

Rottweiler: Make me!

Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?

Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!

Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.

Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls.

Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I'm not afraid of the dark...

Doberman: While it's out, I'll just take a nap on the couch.

Boxer: Who needs light? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there!

Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb?

Australian Blue Cattledog: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...

Old English Sheep dog: Light bulb? That thing I just ate was a light bulb?

Basset Hound: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Westie: Dogs do not change light bulbs -- people change light bulbs. I am not one of THEM so the question is, how long before I can expect my light again?

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out bulb?

=================================================================

What your name means......... check it out !!

Instructions : What you do is find out what each letter of your name means.

Then connect all the meanings and it describes YOU. (Its TRUE) &(Is'nt it GREAT !!)

If you have double or triple letters, just count the meaning once.
For Example : MARK

M - Success comes easily to you.
A - You can be very quiet when you have something on your mind.
R - You are a social butterfly.
K - You like to try new things.


A = You can be very quiet when you have something on your mind.
B = You are always cautious when it comes to meeting newpeople.
C = You definitely have a partier side in you, don't be shy to show it.
D = You have trouble trusting people.
E =You are a very exciting person.
F = Everyone loves you.
G = You have excellent ways of viewing people.
H =You are not judgmental.
I =You are always smiling and making others smile.
J =Jealously
K =You like to try new things.
L = Love is something you deeply believe in.
M = Success comes easily to you.
N = You like to work, but you always want a break.
O = You are very open-minded.
P =You are very friendly and understanding.
Q = You are a hypocrite.
R =You are a social butterfly.
S = You are very broad-minded.
T = You have an attitude, a big one.
U = You feel like you have to equal up to people's standards.
V = You have a very good physique and looks.
W = You like your privacy.
X = You never let people tell you what to do.
Y = You cause a lot of trouble.
Z = You're always fighting with someone.

CHECK YOUR NAME MEANING AND SEE IF THIS IS TRUE.............

=================================================

here were two buddies, one with a Doberman and the other with a
Chihuahua. The guy with the Doberman says to his friend, "Let's go over to
that restaurant and get something to eat."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs
with us."

The buddy with the Doberman says, "Just follow my lead."

They walk over to the restaurant. The guy with the Doberman puts on a pair
of dark glasses, and starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says,
"Sorry, Mac, no pets allowed."

The man with the Doberman says, "You don't understand. This is my
seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer says, "A Doberman?"

The guy says, "Yes, they're very good with directions and they protect us
blind people from robbers, too."

The bouncer says, "OK-- come on in."

The buddy with the Chihuahua sees all this and figures "What the heck?" He
puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in after his friend.

Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."

The guy with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my
seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer says, "A Chihuahua?"

The man with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua??? Those bastards gave me a
Chihuahua??!!?! "

=====================================================

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working,
and asks him: - "Daddy, what's sex? "

"&^%#$%....OK!" He thinks...this day was bound to come, and
I am not going to let my little princess learn about Sex from the
streets.

He sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the
bees. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, sexual
intercourse, conception, sperms and eggs.

Then she asks :- "Daddy, what is "A Couple?"

He carries on:"A couple are the two people involved in sex, but this can
be two males also, or two females which we call lesbians, and goes
on to describe sex, pornography, etc... "

The father finally asks :- "So why did you want to know about "a couple" and "Sex"?

"Oh, mummy said lunch will be ready in a couple of secs

==================================================
 
General chit-chat
Help Users
  • No one is chatting at the moment.
    There are no messages in the chat. Be the first one to say Hi!
    Top