panda55
Pinball Wizard
Fanta and his wife, Jeeto, were living in a farm up in the hills. One day, Fanta found that the hole under the outhouse is full. He tells Jeeto that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.
Jeeto says, "Why don't you go ask Banta down the road?"
So, Fanta goes down to Banta's house and asks him, "My outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."
Banta tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the Sh*t all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole."
Fanta thanks him, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.
He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.
All of a sudden, Jeeto comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite... shooting the outhouse into the air.
BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite spreading Sh*t all over the farm.
WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.
Fanta races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Jeeto, are you all right?"
As she pulls herself up she says, "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen."
===========================================
A mother had three daughters and at their weddings she asked them to write home and tell her about their married life.
The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message: 'Maxwell Coffeehouse.' The mother was confused but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee ad, and it said, 'Satisfaction to the last drop...' So the mother was happy.
Then the second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her reply. The message read: 'Rothmans.' So the mother looked for the Rothmans ad, and it said, 'LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE.' And the mother was happy.
Then it was the third one's wedding. The mother was anxious. It took four weeks for a message to come through. When it did the message was simply: 'BRITISH AIRWAYS.'
The mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a BA ad. When she found one she fainted.
The ad read: 'TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS.'
======================================================================================
The Egg, the Scottsman and the Pom
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg." The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching himself howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you." The Scotsman said, "Keep the damn egg."
====================================================================================
Nymphomaniac
A middle aged businessman goes to see his physician. "Doctor, I've got this problem," the man says. "My secretary, she loves to give blow jobs. Every morning when I get to work I get a blow job. She gives me a quick one before I leave for lunch. And before I leave work at the end of the day she really works me over."
"So what seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac," the man continued. "I service her every morning when we get up. I go home for a quick half hour every day at lunch and then we have a marathon session each night before we go to sleep."
"I still don't know what your problem is," said the doctor.
"You see Doc, every time I masturbate I get these dizzy spells."
===================================================================================
Todays Special
A guy goes into a diner and sits at the counter. He asks the waitress, "What's today's special?"
The waitress says, "Chili, but the man sitting next to you bought the last bowl."
So the guy says, "Okay, I'll just have a cup of coffee."
While the waitress goes for the coffee, the guy looks over at the man sitting next to him. He's eating a huge meal, but he's not touching the chili.
The guy says to him, "Excuse me, sir, are you going to eat that chili?"
The man says, "No, be my guest."
The guy slides the bowl over, picks up a spoon, and begins to eagerly devour the chili. He's almost finished when he notices the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. This makes the guy sick, and he pukes up everything he just ate back into the bowl.
The man sitting next to him looks over and calmly says, "Yep, that's about as far as I got, too."
===========================================================================
THE WEDDING TEST
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided
to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends
encouraged me.
My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering
me. That one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight
miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near
me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be
deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me
that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me
that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She
told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and
could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and
if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned.
I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she
reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the
stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the
front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked
straight toward my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his
eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our
little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome
to the family!"
The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
============================================================
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring
at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so
familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and
stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over
a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts
the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly,
one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches
for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the
Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The
arthritisI've had f or 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he
lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back
I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who knocks over a chair and a table
in trying to get away from the Son of God. "What's wrong my son?" says
Jesus.
The Scouser shouts, "F**k off, I'll lose my disability benefit!"
========================================================
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and
confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"
"Oh yeah? What happened?", asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home, and we
stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and were just about to
do it when her husband came in the front door. So I had
to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the edge by my
fingernails!"
"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.
"When her husband came into the room, he said, 'Hey great! You're
naked already! Let me just take a leak. And damned if the lazy son of
a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head!"
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head.
"No wonder you're in a lousy mood".
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they
finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
And where does it land? My forehead!"
"Damn, that's really a drag!" says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the
husband had to make a dump. Turns out that their toilet is broken, so
he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose, right on my head!"
The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day"
"Yeah yeah, yeah", the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what
REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off?
When I looked down and saw that my feet were only six inches off the ground!"
********************************************************************
Little Johnny had not studied for his life science exam.
The teacher in the one room school house was giving an oral exam.
"What are the four main advantages of breast milk?" she asked.
"No need to boil." called one student."
And another?" the teacher questioned.
"It never goes sour." said another child.
"Correct." said the teacher.
"It is available whenever is necessary." called out another.
"Johnny." she asked. "Do you have the last answer?"
"Sure," he said. "It is available in attractive containers of varying sizes."
He got an "A".
Jeeto says, "Why don't you go ask Banta down the road?"
So, Fanta goes down to Banta's house and asks him, "My outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."
Banta tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the Sh*t all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole."
Fanta thanks him, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse.
He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.
All of a sudden, Jeeto comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite... shooting the outhouse into the air.
BOOM! Off goes the second stick of dynamite spreading Sh*t all over the farm.
WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.
Fanta races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Jeeto, are you all right?"
As she pulls herself up she says, "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen."
===========================================
A mother had three daughters and at their weddings she asked them to write home and tell her about their married life.
The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message: 'Maxwell Coffeehouse.' The mother was confused but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee ad, and it said, 'Satisfaction to the last drop...' So the mother was happy.
Then the second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her reply. The message read: 'Rothmans.' So the mother looked for the Rothmans ad, and it said, 'LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE.' And the mother was happy.
Then it was the third one's wedding. The mother was anxious. It took four weeks for a message to come through. When it did the message was simply: 'BRITISH AIRWAYS.'
The mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a BA ad. When she found one she fainted.
The ad read: 'TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS.'
======================================================================================
The Egg, the Scottsman and the Pom
There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whomever gets up quicker wins the egg." The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Englishman and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Englishman fell to the floor clutching himself howling in agony for 30 minutes. Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you." The Scotsman said, "Keep the damn egg."
====================================================================================
Nymphomaniac
A middle aged businessman goes to see his physician. "Doctor, I've got this problem," the man says. "My secretary, she loves to give blow jobs. Every morning when I get to work I get a blow job. She gives me a quick one before I leave for lunch. And before I leave work at the end of the day she really works me over."
"So what seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, you see, my wife is a nymphomaniac," the man continued. "I service her every morning when we get up. I go home for a quick half hour every day at lunch and then we have a marathon session each night before we go to sleep."
"I still don't know what your problem is," said the doctor.
"You see Doc, every time I masturbate I get these dizzy spells."
===================================================================================
Todays Special
A guy goes into a diner and sits at the counter. He asks the waitress, "What's today's special?"
The waitress says, "Chili, but the man sitting next to you bought the last bowl."
So the guy says, "Okay, I'll just have a cup of coffee."
While the waitress goes for the coffee, the guy looks over at the man sitting next to him. He's eating a huge meal, but he's not touching the chili.
The guy says to him, "Excuse me, sir, are you going to eat that chili?"
The man says, "No, be my guest."
The guy slides the bowl over, picks up a spoon, and begins to eagerly devour the chili. He's almost finished when he notices the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. This makes the guy sick, and he pukes up everything he just ate back into the bowl.
The man sitting next to him looks over and calmly says, "Yep, that's about as far as I got, too."
===========================================================================
THE WEDDING TEST
My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided
to get married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends
encouraged me.
My girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering
me. That one thing was her younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight
miniskirts, and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near
me, and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be
deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day little sister calls and asked me to come over to check the
wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me
that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me
that she could not overcome and did not really want to overcome. She
told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got
married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and
could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and
if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned.
I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she
reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the
stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the
front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked
straight toward my car.
My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his
eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our
little test. We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome
to the family!"
The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
============================================================
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring
at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so
familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad. They stare and
stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over
a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts
the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly,
one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches
for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the
Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "My God! The
arthritisI've had f or 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he
lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. "Strewth mate, the bad back
I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who knocks over a chair and a table
in trying to get away from the Son of God. "What's wrong my son?" says
Jesus.
The Scouser shouts, "F**k off, I'll lose my disability benefit!"
========================================================
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and
confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!"
"Oh yeah? What happened?", asked the bartender politely.
"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home, and we
stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and were just about to
do it when her husband came in the front door. So I had
to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the edge by my
fingernails!"
"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.
"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.
"When her husband came into the room, he said, 'Hey great! You're
naked already! Let me just take a leak. And damned if the lazy son of
a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head!"
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head.
"No wonder you're in a lousy mood".
"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.
Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they
finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
And where does it land? My forehead!"
"Damn, that's really a drag!" says the bartender.
"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the
husband had to make a dump. Turns out that their toilet is broken, so
he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose, right on my head!"
The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day"
"Yeah yeah, yeah", the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what
REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me off?
When I looked down and saw that my feet were only six inches off the ground!"
********************************************************************
Little Johnny had not studied for his life science exam.
The teacher in the one room school house was giving an oral exam.
"What are the four main advantages of breast milk?" she asked.
"No need to boil." called one student."
And another?" the teacher questioned.
"It never goes sour." said another child.
"Correct." said the teacher.
"It is available whenever is necessary." called out another.
"Johnny." she asked. "Do you have the last answer?"
"Sure," he said. "It is available in attractive containers of varying sizes."
He got an "A".