A few jokes about SEX.

Rockinghorse

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Hi all,

Here are a couple of SEX jokes.............. :shock:

1 - What is the difference between a 35 year old single woman and a 35 year old single man.

The 35 year old single woman dreams of having children and the 35 year old single man dreams of DATING them.

2 - A man and his wife are on holiday in Africa when the wife is attacked by a Gorilla and dragged off into the hills...The gorilla ties the woman to a tree and has his way with her...Leaves her there and goes hunting....Comes back the next morning and ravishes her again...This goes on for days.....

Meanwhile....the husband hires a search party and weeks later finds his wife....He unties her and takes her to the hospital to recover from her ordeal....He approaches her bedside and...

"You poor dear" he says' "After all that has happened, you must feel awful"

"Awful?" she cried' "I feel terrible...He hasn't written....He hasn't called......."



Add your own jokes if you wish

BCNU

RH
 
"Having sex is like playing bridge.

If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."

~ Woody Allen


"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a

date on Saturday night."

~ Rodney Dangerfiel



"There are a number of mechanical devices which

increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief

among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."

~ Lynn Lavner



"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."

~ Camille Paglia



Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation.

The other eight are unimportant."

~ George Burns



"Women might be able to fake orgasms.

But men can fake a whole relationship."

~ Sharon Stone




"Hockey is a sport for white men.

Basketball is a sport for black men.

Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

~ Tiger Woods





"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

~ Jack Nicholson




"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives,

but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

~ Barbara Bush





"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to

rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

~ Robin Williams




"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."

~ Billy Crystal




"According to a new survey, women say they feel more

comfortable undressing in front of men than they do

undressing in front of other women.

They say that women are too judgmental, where,

of course, men are just grateful."

~ Robert De Niro




"There's a new medical crisis.

Doctors are reporting that many men are having

allergic reactions to latex condoms.

They say they cause severe swelling.

So what's the problem?"

~ Dustin Hoffman




"There's very little advice in men's magazines,

because men think,

'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'."

~ Jerry Seinfeld




"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find

a woman I don't like and just give her a house."

~ Rod Stewart



"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and

a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
 
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's =
minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught =
in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the =
attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.


"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house =
all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the =
neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."


"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if =
the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and =
the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. =
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.


They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Jack =
got an unexpected letter from an attorney.


It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined =
that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the =
ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you =
remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski =
holiday up North?"


"Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up =
to the house and pay her a visit?"


"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to =
admit that I did."


"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"


Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I =
did. Why do you ask?"


"She just died and left me everything."
 
Philosophic Socrates
=20
In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high
esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said,
"Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your best friend?"


"Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"


"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..."


"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?"


"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?" This is why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out his best friend was boinking his wife.
 
An 80-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow".

The next day, the 80-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, "Well, doc, it's like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked. "You asked your NEIGHBOR?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!"



Bendigo
 
Q: if a stork delivers babies, what kind of bird delivers oral pleasure? A: a swallow
 
Bill Cosby...
 
Don't drink Bills' JAY_E_EL_EL_OH Shots...
 
Saw this just now... I'd never heard it before:

...

A naked woman accidentally fell off her 22nd story balcony.

On her way down, a gentleman from the 18th floor sticks his head out and catches her hand. As he hangs on to her hand he yells “If you promise to blow me then I’ll save your life!â€

“What is wrong with you?! Just fucking save me!!†she replies in disbelief.

The gentleman then proceeds to let her fall. On her way down another gentleman peeks his head out and catches her by the hand, this time from the 16th floor. “I’ll save your life if you promise to fuck me after†he offers, while holding on to her hand.

“Absolutely not! How could you say such a thing? Just save me! I need help and I don’t want to fall to my death you sick fuck!!†At this point she is pissed, but the gentleman lets go of her hand and she continues to fall.

On her way down, yet another gentleman sticks his hand out and catches her, this time from the 7th floor. As he is pulling her inside of his window, she frantically exclaims “I’ll suck!! I’ll fuck!! I’ll do anything for you!!â€

The gentleman pauses for a split second and mutters under his breath: “what a whoe,†and proceeds to drop her.
 
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  • ChatGPT @ ChatGPT:
    @Free Bally!, A pirate, known for his seafaring adventures and notorious escapades, found himself in a rather peculiar situation. After a particularly rough storm that had battered his ship and crew, he realized that they were running low on provisions and, quite embarrassingly, that he was in need of adult diapers due to an unfortunate bout of seasickness that had left him with a weakened constitution.

    With a grumble and a scowl, the pirate docked his ship at the nearest port town, a bustling marketplace known for its variety of goods and fresh seafood. He tied his ship securely at the harbor, adjusted his tricorn hat, and made his way to the market with a swagger in his step, trying to maintain his fearsome reputation despite his current mission.

    As he walked through the crowded streets, the pirate attracted curious glances from the townsfolk. His appearance was striking, with a weathered coat, a hook for a hand, and a parrot perched on his shoulder squawking,
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  • Free Bally! @ Free Bally!:
    (AI prompt) Why did the pirate have an eye patch?
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  • ChatGPT @ ChatGPT:
    @Free Bally!, Pirates are often depicted with eye patches in popular culture, but the reasons for this vary. Here are a few possible explanations:

    1. **Injury**: The most straightforward reason a pirate might wear an eye patch is that they lost an eye due to injury. Pirate battles, sword fights, and the general hazards of seafaring life could easily lead to eye injuries, necessitating an eye patch.

    2. **Myth and Stereotype**: The image of a pirate with an eye patch has become a stereotype perpetuated by movies, books, and other forms of media. It's part of the romanticized pirate image that includes peg legs, hooks for hands, and parrots on shoulders.

    3. **Preserving Night Vision**: A more interesting and practical theory suggests that pirates wore eye patches to keep one eye adapted to the dark. When moving between the bright deck and the dark below decks, a pirate could switch the patch from one eye to the other. The eye that was covered
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  • Free Bally! @ Free Bally!:
    nope... it was because a seagul shit in his eye the day after he got the new hook fitted
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  • JonPurpleHaze @ JonPurpleHaze:
    He couldn't scratch his eye, or tried and had to get the patch because of the hook...:pirat:🏴‍☠️🪝
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  • Free Bally! @ Free Bally!:
    ahh well, back to work tomorrow
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  • Free Bally! @ Free Bally!:
    Looking at Tuesday for a real day off, ahhh
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  • JonPurpleHaze @ JonPurpleHaze:
    Hope you find your keys!
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  • Free Bally! @ Free Bally!:
    But working long every darned day has (Finally!) cleared up pain in my hip that has plagued me since April
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  • Free Bally! @ Free Bally!:
    haha, naw the keys are long gone. HAVE to get a new pair of pants... Without A Hole In The Pocket!
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  • JonPurpleHaze @ JonPurpleHaze:
    Get AC 4! you :pirat:
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  • Free Bally! @ Free Bally!:
    Got AC, weather-liars say i'll need an umbrella all weekend
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  • Free Bally! @ Free Bally!:
    ohh oops
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  • Free Bally! @ Free Bally!:
    you mean the pirate game!
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  • JonPurpleHaze @ JonPurpleHaze:
    AC = Assasin's Creed...4...Black Flag.
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  • Free Bally! @ Free Bally!:
    heh, they all look like pirate queens, instead of a gig on the beach, the Law Of The Sea says they have to fight until there's only one
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  • Free Bally! @ Free Bally!:
    ahoy, have to go make some salad of fish chunks flavored to taste like crab, have a salty Friday ya scallawag!
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