Brand new e-mail joke thread

David Letterman's Top 10 Reasons Why There Are No Black NASCAR Drivers:

10) HAVE TO SIT UPRIGHT WHILE DRIVING.

9) PISTOL WON'T STAY UNDER FRONT SEAT.

8) ENGINES DROWN OUT THE RAP MUSIC.

7) PIT CREW CAN'T WORK ON CAR WHILE HOLDING UP PANTS AT THE SAME TIME.

6) THEY KEEP TRYING TO CAR JACK DALE JR.

5) POLICE CARS ON TRACK INTERFERE WITH RACE.

4) NO PASSENGER SEAT FOR THE HO.

3) THERE ARE NO SPONSORS FOR CADILLAC.

2) CAN'T WEAR HELMET SIDEWAYS.

AND THE NUMBER 1 REASON WHY BLACKS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR:

1) WHEN THEY CRASH THEIR CAR THEY BAIL OUT AND RUN.
 
INNER PEACE

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives.

By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace. Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Chocolates.

You have no idea how freaking good I feel.
 
This is probably an old one, but it's still funny.

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules so the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
 
You're a grown up if . . .

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM!
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM now severely upsets, rather than settles, your stomach.
19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.

Well, according to that list, I'm still not grown up, and probably never will be.

John :p :oldman
 
Someone sent this to me, either in hopes of helping me understand computers or to confuse me more. Guess which it did? If this makes sense to you you're either a genius or a world class geek. I'll put my money on the geek.

Why Computers Sometimes Crash!
(by Dr. Seuss. )

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang.

When the copy on your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions is causing unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
and then quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

Well, that certainly clears things up for me. How about you?

Thank you, Bill Gates!
 
AN Answered Prayer!

AN Answered Prayer!

A Mexican family crosses the border to the Land of Milk and Honey where the streets are paved with gold. But the husband can find no work. His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray:

"Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family..."

Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the black man coming over the top of the hill, who is struggling with a broken grocery sack and who loses a wheel of cheese. When the Mexican man opens his eyes, the large wheel of cheddar cheese from the black man's grocery bag rolls down the hill and lands at the Mexican's feet!

"Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you!" he cries, grabs the cheese, and runs straight home. Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make nachos. "But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas! and burritos and other things?" she inquires. "No," the husband says, "Jesus sent this to me with a message... As I ran home, I kept hearing a voice yelling,

"THAT'S NACHO CHEESE"
 
The salesman

A young guy from Oklahoma moves to California and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Oklahoma."
Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did" His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many sales did you make today?"
The kid says, "One."
The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.
You're going to have to improve considerably or look for another job! How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$112,237.64."
The boss says, "$112,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the lake, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a new bass boat. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that new Ford pick-up. I asked him how long he was going to be out at the lake and after he said 5 or 6 days I took him down to the RV department and sold him a slide-in camper for the truck."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat, a truck and a camper?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing."
 
A couple of great joke Matthew, got any more?

John
 
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road.
The reason: "too many deer were being hit by cars" and he didn't want them to cross there anymore.

This one was from Kingman, KS.
_______________________________________________
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE: My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce."
He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.
And he was a Kansas City chef!
______________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING: I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, "Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?
To which I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?
He smiled knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Brimingham, Ala.
_______________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING: The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS
___________________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING: At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker who was leaving the company due to "downsizing," our manager commented cheerfully, "this is fun. We should do this more often." Not a word was spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.
________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING: I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn't understand why her system would not turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriff's office no less.
_______________________________________________
IDIOT SIGHTING: When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
"Hey," I announced to the technician, "it's open!"
To which he replied, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, Mississippi!
______________________________________________
*and they walk among us .. and REPRODUCE
 
This might be an old one, but it is funny.


The Four Cats!

Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.

The first man was an Engineer,

the second man was an Accountant,

the third man was a Chemist,,,,,,and the fourth man was a Government Employee.

To show off, the Engineer called his cat,

"T-square, do your stuff."

T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his cat could do better.

He called his cat and said,

"Spreadsheet, do your stuff."

Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies.............Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his

cat and said,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,"Measure, do your stuff."

Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.

Everyone agreed that was pretty good.

Then the three men turned to the Government Employee

and said, "What can your cat do?"

The Government Employee called his cat and said,,,,,

"CoffeeBreak,,,,do your stuff."

CoffeeBreak jumped to his feet,,,,,,,,,,,ate the cookies,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
drank the milk,,,,,,,,,shit on the paper,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,screwed the other three cats,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,claimed he injured his back while doing so,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions,,,put in for Workers Compensation...............and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.............
 
Nick the Dragon Slayer

Far far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts, but Nick the Dragon slayer knew the penalty for this desire would be death should he try and touch them.
One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio, the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch. The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer could have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never reportthis matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost. The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a dose of the same itching powder into the King's underpants. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.....
 
> Jeff Foxworthy "on" Ohio
>
> All I have to say is "Go Bucks!"
>
> You might be from Ohio (pronounced O-hi-uh), if:
>
> You think all Pro football teams are supposed to wear orange!
>
> You know all the 4 seasons: winter, still winter, almost winter and
> construction.
>
> You live less than 30 miles from some college or university.
>
> You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for candied ones.
>
> "Toward the lake" means "north" and "toward the river" means "south."
>
> You know if other Ohioans are from southern or northern Ohio as soon
> as they open their mouths.
>
> You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy, Bellefontaine,
> Tuscarawas, Wapakoneta and you know which letter is doubled in Cincinnati.
>
> "Vacation" means spending a day at Cedar Point in the summer and deer
> hunting in the fall.
>
> You measure distance in minutes.
>
> Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
>
> Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
>
> You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
>
> You know what should be knee-high by the Fourth of July.
>
> You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition.
> For example: "Where's my coat at?"
>
> You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both
> unlocked.
>
> You think of the major four food groups as corn, pork, beer, and
> Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
>
> You carry jumper cables in your car.
>
> You know what 'pop' is.
>
> You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
>
> Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with
> snow. (Amen!)
>
> You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown.
>
> The local paper covers national and international headlines on one
> page but requires six pages for sports
 
A LITTLE COMFORT:
>
> The 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was
> dying.
> The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make
> her last journey comfortable.
> They gave her some warm milk to drink but she
> refused.
> Then one of the nuns took the glass back to the
> kitchen.
> Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as
> a gift the previous
> Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount
> into the warm milk.
> Back at Mother Superior's bed, she held the glass
> to her lips.
> Mother drank a little, then a little more and
> before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.
> "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please
> give us some wisdom before you die."
> She raised herself up in bed and with a pious look on her face said,
> "Don't sell that cow."
 
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

The happy couple are shown below
 

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The Scale of Truth...

The Scale of Truth...

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card that said, "You're a nun you weigh 128lbs and you are going to Chicago, Illinois."

She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again. She went back to the machine and put her nickel in.

Out came a card that read,"You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you are going to play a fiddle.

"The nun said to herself, "I know that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life." She sat back down. From nowhere a Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music.

Startled, she looked back at the machine and said, "This is incredible. I've got to try it again." Back to the machine. She put her nickel in and another card came out.

It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs.,you're going to Chicago, Illinois and you're going to break wind.

Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong; "I've never broke wind in public a day in my life!" Well, she tripped, fell off the scales and broke wind. Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself, "This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again."

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card.

It said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you've fiddled and farted around and now you've missed your flight to Chicago!"
 
Senior Breakfast

Senior Breakfast

We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" My wife asked incredulously. "I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home. DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS
 
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