Even more e-mail jokes

[tiltjlp]

>> A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary
>> surgeon.

>> As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, " I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

>> The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure", she >> protested. "I mean, you
>> haven't done any testing on him or anything. He >> might just be in a coma >> or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever.

>> As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with
>> sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again.

The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the
>> woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and
>> produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. $150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
>>
>> The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

 

[tiltjlp]

>> A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador Retriever sitting there.
>>
>> You talk?" he asks.
>>
>> "Yep," the Lab replies.
>>
>> "So, what's your story?"
>>
>> The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
>>
>> The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
>>
>> "Ten dollars."
>>
>> The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
>>
>> "Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

 

[tiltjlp]

Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a retirement community. They met in the social centre and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening.

They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.

And despite his age, Claude was still a charmer. Afterward, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after-dinner drink.

Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor,

Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.

Claude was thinking:

"If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been more gentle."

Maude was thinking:

"If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose."

 

[tiltjlp]

You know you’re from Cincinnati when . . .

Your idea of a three-way is chilli over spaghetti topped with cheddar

You know what Goetta is - and you've eaten it

You hate Cleveland, but you don't know why, and you've never been there

You think Pete Rose and Marge Schott were railroaded

You say "Please?" instead of "Excuse me?"

You think Northern Kentucky is part of Ohio

You've been to California, Wyoming, Coney Island, and Over-the-Rhine in one day

There are less than 100 murders a year, and you still think you're in Detroit

You think Dayton is a Third World country

What groundhog? It's the St. Patrick's Day parade leprechaun that forecasts how much longer winter will last.

Losing football teams draw more fans than winning baseball teams.

Indiana is about 20 miles away, but it takes about four hours to get there.

It's too cold in the winter, and too hot and humid in the summer, to ever stay outside for very long.

You drive to Columbus or Louisville to avoid the prices at the Cincinnati airport.

City council members hold debates on whether or not they should debate in the first place.

Tourists still flock downtown to catch a glimpse of cast members from "WKRP," even though the show hasn't aired on network television since 1984, and the show was filmed in LA anyway.

You ask lifetime residents where the President Taft house is, but they don't know either.

If you do something -- anything -- in public long enough, sooner or later it will be banned.

Your low-fat diet is never low enough to exclude Graeter's ice cream.

You get through winter listening to Marty and Joe's broadcasts from the grapefruit leagues.

Big Red Smokies are a ballpark treat, not cause to dial 9-1-1.

If necessary, the city could easily be sliced into two new cities: East and West, and it would take 20 years for anyone to notice something happened.

Chocolate and cinnamon, not peppers and beans, are in your chili.

You can drive 30 minutes in any direction to hear a different accent than your own.

You can accurately judge people's social status by which Kroger's store they frequent.

You can go to any church festival in any neighborhood on any weekend and see at least five people you either work with, went to school with, or dated.

Even the slightest mention of former baseball commissioner A. Bartlett Giamatti makes your blood boil and your ears steam.

If the temperature hits 45 degrees, and the sun comes out in any month between November and April, people walk around downtown wearing shades and no jackets.

The top stories on the local 6 o'clock evening news look suspiciously like the articles you read in the newspaper that very morning -- and even use the same quotes.

Any carbonated beverage is a "coke."

Your favorite convenient store sounds like a labor union.

You can't hear the words "Mike Brown" without getting angry.

You honestly believe that Pete Rose should be in the Baseball Hall Fame.

You have more stadiums, coliseums, and arenas than you know what to do with.

It doesn't seem weird to you that everyone has an Uncle Al.

Your favorite Coney Island isn't in New York.

You like Nick Clooney better than George Clooney.

You know how Jerry Springer got his start.

You know what a pony keg is.

You have friends and neighbors with names like Machenheimer, Guckenberger, Schlottman, Schoenling, and Schweitering.

You know that cars (like eggs) are cheaper in the country.

An all-boys or all-girls school doesn't seem that odd to you

You think a mixed marriage is when an East Sider marries a West Sider.

You know the difference between Hudy and "Who Dey."

You know what cream ale is, and you think that cream soda should be bright red.

You think Kentucky is only slightly more civilized than Afghanistan.

You know in which state the Greater Cincinnati Airport is located.

You actually understand the word, "CRAVE" and white castle burgers.

You can almost name the seven "hills" minus one or two.

 

[tiltjlp]

You know you’re from Small Town USA when . . .

The "road hog" in front of you on Main Street is a farmer's combine.

The local phone book has only one yellow page.

Third Street is on the edge of town.

You leave your jacket on the back of the chair in the cafe, and when you go back the next day, it's still there, on the same chair.

You don't signal turns because everyone knows where you're going, anyway.

No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.

You call a wrong number and they supply you with the correct one.

Everyone knows all the news before it's published; they just read the hometown paper to see whether the publisher got it right.

The city limits signs are both on the same post!

The City jail is called amoeba, because it only has one cell.

The McDonalds only has one Golden Arch.

The one-block-long Main Street dead ends in both directions.

Second Street is in the next town over.

There's no place to go that you shouldn't.

A "Night on the Town" takes only 11 minutes.

The mayor had to annex property to eat a foot-long hot dog.

The New Year's baby was born in October.

Running from the cops consists of hiding in the cornfield.

You have to name six surrounding towns to explain to people where you're from.

You have to drive five miles out in the country to smoke a cigarette.

Headline news is who grew the biggest vegetable this year.

There is no point in high-school reunions because everyone knows what everyone else is doing anyway.

Driving cars up and down the main drag is a universal high school experience.

You can name everyone you graduated with.

You know what 4-H is.

You ever went to parties at a pasture, barn, or in the middle of a dirt road.

You said the 'f' word and your parents knew within the hour.

You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn't - same goes with the game warden.

You ever went cow-tipping or snipe hunting.

School gets canceled for state sporting events.

You could never buy cigarettes because all the store clerks knew how old you were and if you were old enough, they would still tell your folks.

When you did find someone old enough and brave enough to buy cigarettes, you still had to go out to the country and drive back roads to smoke them.

You were ever in the Homecoming parade.

You have ever gone home for Homecoming.

It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.

You had senior skip day.

The whole school went to the same party after graduation.

You don't give directions by street names or references (turn by Nelson's house, go two blocks to the Anderson's turn left and it's four houses left of the football field).

The golf course had only 9 holes

You can't help but date a friend's ex-girlfriend.

Your car stays filthy because of the dirt roads, and you will never own a dark vehicle for this reason.

You think kids that ride skateboards are weird.

The town next to you is considered "trashy" or "snooty" but is actually just like your town.

Getting paid minimum wage is considered a great job.

You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as "rich" people.

The people in the city dress funny, then you pick up on the trend a few years later.

You bragged to your friends because you got pipes on your truck for your birthday.

Anyone you want can be found at either the Dairy Queen or the feed store.

You see at least one friend a week driving a tractor through town.

Football coaches suggest that you haul hay for the summer to get stronger.

Directions are given using "the" stop light as a reference

The city council meets at the coffee shop.

Your letter jacket was worn after your 19th birthday.

You have ever taken a trailer or dog to school on a daily basis.

Weekend excitement involves a trip to the grocery store.

Even the ugly people enter beauty contests.

You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride.

Your teachers call you by your older siblings names.

Your teachers remember when they taught your parents.

You can charge at all the local stores.

The closest McDonald's is 45 miles away.

So is the closest mall.

It is normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower.

Everyone who played sports had to play on every type of team, or there wouldn't be enough people to have a team.

Being able to hit a road sign with a beer bottle while driving down the highway is considered a necessary skill.

A cool vehicle had big tires or a bad-ass stereo.

You can remember when your town finally got cable.

Driving to the party on a four wheeler is quite normal.

You thought the 30-year-old guy that still was at all the parties was cool.

The town population increases by one-third when the universities go on break.

The best burgers in town are at the rink.

You know exactly where to go when the party is at "the lake".

You lost your virginity at a bush party.

 

[tiltjlp]

A GROUP OF WOMEN WERE SITTING NAKED IN A SAUNA. SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE GERMAN WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.


THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. "THAT WAS MY PAGER," SHE SAID, "I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM."

A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE JAPANESE WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR AND TOOK THE CALL. WHEN SHE FINISHED SHE EXPLAINED, "THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND."

THE KENTUCKY WOMAN FELT DECIDEDLY LOW TECH. SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM. SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER BEHIND. THE OTHER WOMEN RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER. THE KENTUCKY WOMAN SAID, "WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT? I'M GETTIN' A FAX!

 

[Pop Bumper Pete]

Those first two were great, I hadn't heard them before

 

[tiltjlp]

Glad you liked them Posty. Now here's one on how to know you're addicted ti the Internet.

You kiss you girlfriend's home page.

Your bookmarks list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.

Your eyeglasses have a web site burned into them.

You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to Google.

You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.

You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop.

You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap.... and your kid in the overhead compartment.

Your dreams are in HTML.

You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.

You turn your computer off and get this awful epmty feeling, like you just pulled the plug of your loved one.

You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au"

Your heart races faster and beats irredgularly each time you see a new WWW site address printed on the TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.

You step out of the room and realize that your roomates have moved and you don't have any idea when it happened.

You turn up the volume read loud when leaving the room so you can hear if anyone IM's you.

You wife drapes a blond wig over the monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

Looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice that you've been to all of them.

Your dog has its own webpage.

You believe nothing looks sexier than a man in boxer shorts illuminated by a 17" LCD Flat-Panel Monitor.

You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.

You code your homework in HTML and give your intsructor the URL.

You don't know what sex your three of your closeset friends are, because they have nuetral screennames and you never bothered to ask.

You name your children Google, Friendster and Blogger

You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest MP3's off Kazaa Lite.

You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.

You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back.

Your virtual girlfriend finds a new sweetheart with a larger bandwidth.

You buy a Captain Kirk Chair with a built in keyboard and mouse.

Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer can not come to bed"

The last hottie you picked up was only a jpeg.

You put a pillow case over your laptop so your lover doesn't see it while youre pretending to catch your breath.

You ask a plumber how much it would cost you to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.

You forget what year it is.

You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

You ask a doctor to implant a terrabyte in your brain.

Your sweetie says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and network them together so that you can IM each other anytime.

As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.

All of your friends have an @ in their names.

You start using smileys in your snail mail

You bring a bag lunch to the computer.

You have withdrawals if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours.

You take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.

You type faster than you think.

You double click your TV remote.

You can now type over 70 WPM.

You check your e-mail and forget you have real mail.

You go into withdrawals during dinner.

You rank your friends by the amount of bandwith they have.

You have "Googled" all your friends to try to find out anything interesteing that they are not telling you and you can use against them later.

You message someone via IM when they are less than 20 feet away.

The sound of the keys clicking turns you on.

You have more browsers than friends in the real world.

You actually say I-M-O and A-T-M to real friends rather than 'in my opinion' and 'at the moment'. And they give you strange looks.

You run four chat programs all at once... Yahoo Messenger, ICQ, AIM and MSN

You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.

You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.

You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.

You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.

You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.

Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.

The letters have come off your keyboard from excessive use.

You order pizza online - because you can't be bothered to call.

You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.

You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.

You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and ** kisses**.

You're on the phone and say BRB.

The last movie you've seen was on your Quicktime player.

 

[tiltjlp]

This one is great!!!

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it u p to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ....... and stay for breakfast.

They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.

The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies........."

"You just happened to catch my eye."

 

[tiltjlp]

This is especially for Penquin.

Today is International Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day, so please send this message to someone you think fits this description. Please do not send it back to me as I have already received it from a Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman!


And remember this motto to live by:


Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming


"WOO HOO what a ride!"

Have a wonderful day!

 

[penguin66]

I think I've already got road rash!

 

[tiltjlp]

The joys of winter in Ohio

I get a variation of this one every year, but it's still funny. Sad part is that most years it's true.

Aug. 20 -
Moved to our new home in Ohio. It is so beautiful here. The hills are so picturesque. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them. This is God's Country. I love it here!

Oct. 14 -
Ohio is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turning all different colors - you should see the beautiful shades of red and orange and yellow! Went for a ride through some beautiful rolling hills and spotted some deer. They are so graceful, certainly they are the most peaceful animals on earth. This must be Paradise... I love it here!

Nov. 3 -
Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such an elegant creature, the very symbol of peace and tranquility. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here!

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night! Woke up to find everything blanketed in white, just like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won) and when the snowplow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Mother nature in perfect harmony. I love Ohio!

Dec. 12 -
More snow last night. I love it. The snowplow did his trick again (that rascal) and pushed all the snow back into the driveway, but we bundled up and had a good time clearing it -! and we made a snowman out of it! A winter wonderland... I love it here!

Dec. 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work on time! I'm exhausted from shoveling. That damn snowplow!

Dec. 22 - More of that white crap fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snowplow man hides around the corner and waits until I'm done shoveling this driveway, the jerk! And you should see our heating bills!
Dec. 25 -
"White Christmas" my busted ass! More friggin snow! If I ever get my hands on that son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I swear I'll break the bastard's nose. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt this friggin ICE!

Dec. 28 -
More white sh*t last night. Been inside since Christmas Day except for shoveling out the driveway every time "Snowplow Harry" comes by. Can't go anywhere, car's buried in a mountain of frozen snow. The weatherman says to expect another 10" of the sh*t tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10" is?

Jan. 1 -
Happy Damn New Year, the weatherman was wrong AGAIN. We got two feet of the white sh*t this time. At this rate it won't melt before the Fourth of July. The snowplow got stuck up the road, and the jerk had the balls to come to the door and ask to borrow my damn shovel. After I told him I've broken six shovels already, shoveling all the sh*t he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one over his damn head!

Jan. 8 -
Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back, a damn deer ran in front of the car and I hit the bastard. Did about $3,000 worth of damage to the car. Those damn beasts ought to be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.

Mar. 22 -
Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rotting out from all that damn salt they keep dumping all over the road? Car looks like a piece of sh*t!

April. 10 -
Moved back to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in that God forsaken state of Ohio

 

[tiltjlp]

I thought this was neat enough to be posted here. It's corny but I like the sentiment. http://www.funnybunch.com/1/me1.swf

John

 

[tiltjlp]

A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties). The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"

<><><><><><><>

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

 

[tiltjlp]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says . .
"Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby." "Really!? Like a new-born baby!?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

<><><><><><><>

Dinner

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very
highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns." "Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

 

[tiltjlp]

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one
elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet--who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the
hospital After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

***

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time , someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

***

 

[Pop Bumper Pete]

Sleeping Beauty, Tom Thumb, and Quasimodo were all talking one day.

Sleeping Beauty said, "I believe myself to be the most beautiful girl in the world."

Tom Thumb said, "I must be the smallest person in the world."

Quasimodo said, "I absolutely have to be the ugliest person in the world."


They decided to go to the Guinness Book of World Records to have their claims verified.


Sleeping Beauty went first and came out looking deliriously happy. "It's official, I AM the most beautiful girl in the world,"

Tom Thumb went next and emerged triumphant, "I am officially the smallest person in the world."
.

Wait for it..................





Sometime later, Quasimodo came out looking confused and simply stated, "Who is Camilla Parker Bowles?"

 

[Pop Bumper Pete]

ENGINEERS Comprehending Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."

Comprehending Engineers - Take Three
Q: What's the difference between Engineers and Architects? A: Engineers build weapons, Architects build targets.

Comprehending Engineers - Take Four
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Comprehending Engineers - Take Five "An Engineer and His Frog"
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess".

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you forever and do ANYTHING you want." .

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you forever and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend. But a talking frog? Now that's cool."

 

[tiltjlp]

A young blond was on vacation and driving through the Everglades
She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local
vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blond shoulted, "Well, then maybe I'll just go out and catch my own allligator, so I can get a pair of shoes for free!"

The shopkeeper said, with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, just go and give it a try!" The blond headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch an alligator.

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot 'gator swimming rapidly toward
her. With lightning spped, she takes aim, kills the creature and hauls it onto the slimy bank of the swamp.

Lying nearby were 7 more of the dead creatures, all lying on their
backs.

The shopkeeper stood on the bank watching in silent amazement.
The blond struggled and flipped the'gator onto its back.

Rolling her eyes heavenward and screaming in great frustration
she shouts..... "SH* T... THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"

 

[wrenchien]

this is a test.

 

[Pop Bumper Pete]

The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.
She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.

It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."

 

[tiltjlp]

This one is both funny and scary.