I'm bored

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Bendigo

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Yes I'm bored - It's just after midnight, the wife is in bed and the cat is asleep. So I have decided to read through some old jokes.


A letter of resignation from an employee at Zantex Computers, USA, to her boss, who apparently resigned very soon afterwards!

Dear Mr. Baker,

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harrassment of my co-workers and myself during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" for the hundredth time. You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.

You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however, I have a few parting thoughts.

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is "I prefer not to comment." I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your "favorites list", which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your Mother's birthday", you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say, I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your mistakes.)

Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never f*** with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!

Wishing you a grand and glorious day,

Cecelia
 
A true story.

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:

"Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with a proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering hell, lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

It was not revealed what grade the student got.
 
Irish Bank Robbery

Excerpted from an article about a bank robbery which appeared in the Dublin Times (metropolitan edition, page 2A) on 2 March 1999:

Once inside the bank shortly after midnight, their efforts at disabling the internal security system got underway immediately. The robbers, who expected to find one or two large safes filled with cash and valuables, were surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered throughout the bank.

The robbers cracked the first safe's combination, and inside they found Only a bowl of vanilla pudding. As recorded on the bank's audio-tape system, one said, "At least we'll get a bit to eat,"

The robbers opened up a second safe, and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding. The process continued until all the safes were opened.

They found not one pound sterling, a diamond, or an ounce of gold. Instead, all the safes contained covered bowls of pudding.

Disappointed, the robbers made a quiet exit, each leaving with nothing more than a queasy, uncomfortably full stomach.

The newspaper headline read:

IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING.
 
A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

Is it........

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush

Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

"I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

(ringing)

Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

A-Robin

B-Sparrow

C-Cuckoo

D-Thrush"

Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

Barbara: "You think?"

Maggie: "I'm sure."

Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

Barbara: "It is."

Regis: "Are you confident?"

Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

(clapping)

That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

Maggie: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."
 
Who's This Guy ?

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."
 
A typical office joke that's doing the rounds: Just though I'd share it with you!

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way, I'm a defective parrot."
"Good Grief!" the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me."
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah," the guy says. "Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says. "This is very embarrassing but since you asked
I'll tell you. I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook.
You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English, can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sport, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at Greek mythology. You really
ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssst," says the parrot. "I'm defective. So the truth is nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You'll probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer."
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises and is insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and parrot goes, "Pssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't
know if I should tell you this or not, but it is about your wife and the
postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black negligee and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT????" the guy shouts. "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her negligee, kissing and petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "THEN WHAT?"
"He got down on his knees and continued to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down."
"WELL," demands the frantic guy. "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Buggered if I know," replied the parrot, "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"
 
Dear Dog and Cat,

When I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way. The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. (Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate & food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food & dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.)

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating meto the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run. I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It’s not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. (I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.)

My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some
miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. (In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years...canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.)

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs or cats' butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you. To pacify you I have posted the following message on our front door.....

Rules for Non-pet owners who visit and like to complain about our pets:
1 They live here; you don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. 3. I like my pet better than I like most people.
4. To you it's an animal. To me he and/or she is an adopted son
and/or daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and is speech challenged.

Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug using friends, don't drink or smoke, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you
can sell the results.

John :oldman
 
Yeah, the good ones do seem to make the rounds. I enjoyed reading the chili joke again, that is a classic.

John :oldman
 
Jeez Kinsey, that Chilli joke should come with a health warning. Damn near laughed myself into a heart-attack. What a crack-up.
 
maybe I should add a disclaimer :) I still like Colin.
 
Hi All,

THIS IS TRUE

This little piece of trivia comes from "The Sunday Telegraph" newspaper Sydney, 7th November 2004,

"Talk about long names! Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch is a small village in north western Wales that has the longest place name. But the locals shorten it to Llanfair - figures!"

And to think, I thought Supercallifragilisticexpialidoscious was hard to say.

CU

RG
 
Noah and the New Ark

In the year 2004, The Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in South
Africa, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and
over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another
Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the
Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard
....
but no ark.

"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a
building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for
a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I've violated the
neighbourhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding
the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for
a decision.

Then South African Transport and Eskom demanded a bond be posted for the
future costs of moving power, trolley and other overhead obstructions,
to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the
sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local
trees in order to save the Giant Spotted Owl. I tried to convince the
environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!
When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights
group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their
will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it
was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then Kort Broek of Environment Affairs ruled that I couldn't build the
Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your
proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission
on how many previously disadvantaged individuals I'm supposed to hire
for my building crew.

Also, the trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to
hire only Union workers with Ark building experience.

To make matters worse, the Customs and Revenue via the Scorpions seized
all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with
endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to
finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow
stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean
you're not going to destroy the world?".

"No", said the Lord. "The South African Government beat me to it!"
 
An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist

An artist, a lawyer, and a computer scientist are discussing the merits of a mistress. The artist tells of the passion, the thrill which comes with the risk of being discovered. The lawyer warns of the difficulties. It can lead to guilt, divorce, bankruptcy. Not worth it. Too many problems. The computer scientist says "It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. My wife thinks I'm with my mistress. My mistress thinks I'm home with my wife, and I can spend all night on the computer!"
 
Bill Gates died in a car accident.

Bill Gates died in a car accident.

He found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God .

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95.

I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?"

God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."

Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect.
Bill was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see heaven!"

“Fine," said God and off they went.

Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision.

"Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God.

"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell .

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to
see how he was doing in Hell. When God looked down into Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amidst the hot flames in a dark cave.
He was being burned and tortured by demons.

"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.

Bill responded-his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened
to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

God said, "That was the screen saver."
 
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top. "You waltz in here, flop your fat butt down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Too late, its started!"
 
Mission to Mars

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars.
Only one person could go,and he will not return to Earth.
The first applicant,an American engineer,was asked how
much he wanted to be paid for going."A million dollars",
he answered,"because I wish to donate it to M.I.T."The
next applicant,a Russian doctor,was asked the same
question.He asked for two million dollars."I wish to give
a million to my family,he explained,"and leave the other
million for the advancement of medical research."The last
applicant was an politician.When asked how much
money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear,
"Three million dollars."Why so much more than the others?"
the interviewer asked.The Politician replied,
$1 million is for you, I'll keep $1million, and we'll give
the American engineer $1 million and send him to Mars."
 
An English man, Irishman and Scotsman

An English man, Irishman and Scotsman all decide to head off for a pint.

Served up to them are 3 pints of Guinness, each with a fly floating on top.

The English man looks at the fly and says, "I'll not drink that, serve me another."

The Scotsman is so thirsty, he just drinks his Guinness down.

The Irishman picks up his pint, looks at the fly, pulls it out and shouts at the fly, "Spit it out you bastard!"
 
Dr. Seuss writing technical manuals.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
"Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!

- Jim Fiedler
 
great jokes bendigo.... :p'n'l:

One day there were three nuns standing outside the gates of heaven waiting to enter. St. Peter approached them and asked the first nun,
"Do you know who the first man was on earth?"
She said,
"Ummm that's tough ...
Adam?"

Bells rang, Angels sang. The gates opened, and she walked in.

Then St. Peter went to the second nun and asked,
"Do you know who the first woman was on earth?"
She said,
"Ummmm ... Eve?"

Bells rang, Angels sang. The gates opened, and she walked in.

St. Peter then asked the third and last nun,
"What were the first words Eve said to Adam?"
The third nun said,
"Hmmmm, that's a hard one."

Bells rang, Angels sang. The gates opened, and she walked right in.
 
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