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Tales From A Bakery

Pop Bumper Pete

Pinball Pirate
Site Supporters
Tales From A Bakery

As some of you may or may not know I operate a small bakery here in Ballarat.
As anyone who deals in customer service can tell you some times you get to deal with strange people.

I am a pie connoisseur.
I judge a bakery by their pies/pasties/vanilla slices, if they cannot do that right then I don’t go back

(I am proud of the product I make, but you sir are a wanker)

Do you use real icing?
??WTF?? What is real icing? All icings I know are made from different combinations of sugar, water and margarine, if one is real and others aren’t than I don’t understand your question.

Can I keep this creamed sponge in the refrigerator over night and take it to Melbourne with me tomorrow?
You buy my cakes because I use fresh cream, fresh cream does not retain its integrity sitting on a fridge overnight or by being bounced around in a hot car for two hours.

I am moving to Ballarat soon and the real-estate agent has suggested a house in Sebastopol, will I like it there?

What would my boyfriend/girlfriend like?

Why aren’t you open on Sundays?
I think I deserve one day off a week.
I thought bakers liked working long hours.

My bakery is situated across the road from one of Victoria’s main tourist attractions.
Most people when going on holiday leave their brains at home.

Can I have my pie on a plate with a knife and fork?
No, that is not how a pie is eaten, you eat it from the bag

How do I get to Bathurst?
Bathurst is about 800Km’s away, just go north

How do I get to the historical park?
(This place takes up 80% of the land over the road from the shop, there are signs everywhere, it is kinda hard to miss.)
Go back down the road to the roundabout (50m) and turn left.
And then where?
It is there.

Why don’t you make the same stuff that my local baker makes?

I want scrambled eggs and bacon, why can’t you make that for me?
Cause you are American and this is not a diner.

Where is the Ned Kelly museum?
That would be in Glenrowan, 250Km’s away, nothing to do with Ballarat.


PN co-founder
You just proved again that peolple are dolts, TMFP. Back in my prehistoric days I was a barber. Every other customer would bring in a picture from a magazine and want a haircut that would make them look like Elvis/Malon Brando/some sports figure/etc, ect, ect.

I'd explain that 1, they didn't have the right kind of hair for that style, and 2, even with a similar haircut they still wouldn't look like that other person. They'd say they understood, but still wanted the haircut, and then most of them would fuss because they indeed still didn't look like the famous person.

BTW, growing up a girl in the neighborhood named Jo Ann worked in the best bakery in the area. We of course nick named her Jo Bag A Donuts. Could you send me a cheese cake, a cherry stollen, and a dozen sugar twist to my apartment?


Pop Bumper Pete

Pinball Pirate
Site Supporters
that reminds me
customer looks into baking area a and sees ovens
ohh, I see you use pizza ovens
no, an oven is an oven, they don't make different ovens for pizza, bread, meat pies etc etc


PN co-founder
Yow, this place is getting educational now. Of course I know an oven is an oven, but I always thought that there were specialized ovens for various professions. Thanks for enlightening me TMFP.


Pop Bumper Pete

Pinball Pirate
Site Supporters
here is a picture of my shop for you


  • bakery7.jpg
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Pinball Player
I am about to describe a cake that I bought in a cake shop in Sydney around 1970, I went back there the following week to find that the shop had closed. :(

This cake was the most beautiful, tasty and probably fattening cake that I have ever tasted.

Imagine a hamburger bun made from donut mixture and coated with honey. The filling consists of thick vanilla custard (a bit like a meat pattie) and very thick cream (also like a meat pattie) seperated by a layer of plum jam. The top was coated with caramel with a cross made from rich chocolate (or maybe the other way around).

Man, now that I have described it I want one even more. :(

P.S. That's a nice clean looking shop you have there


PN co-founder
Very nice looking bakery TMFP, I can almost smell how good everything tastes. And Bedigo, something must have been lost in your description, because that cake doesn't sound very appealing, not that I wouldn't be willing to try a slice or two.


Isaac Sauvage

Site Supporters
i want one of the cakes bendigo had. and i can't remember having a meat pie ever. those little swanson pot pies sold in the US certainly don't count.

i remember reading about huge meat pies in robin hood that could feed 12 men and would be washed down with good ale.

*cleans mess of saliva off of keyboard*


Add-a-ball specialist
Site Supporters
Nice looking bakery pic... :spam: Where's the grouchy old man that runs the place?



Pinball Wizard
Hey Postman :D Can U give me baking tips? I wanna make croissants. Croissants R rad. I hear they were invented in Romania? I also like donuts - or is it doughnuts? N E 1 else here bake? I make my own breads. It's so cheap it's insane - U can get 50 pound bags of flour here at Cosco 4 8 (eight) dollars! I don't even know how many loaves that makes, but it's a lot. People go spending $3 4 5 #, but thats just silly!

Hey I also noticed if U just do the mix & let it sit about a day, it fluffs without yeast - or I guess all flour has some gas-creating goodies livin' in it whenever U add water aye? Oh by the way, Yeast at Cosco is about $3 a pound (that's really cheap guys). Go cosco woo hoo! I put the no-yeast tip in case yeast is pricey where U R.

Oh another thing neat 2 make is pretzel/saltine type thingys - just mix up some flour & water with rocky sea salt & flatten & bake in a toaster oven a few minutes - tastes like those $3 things U get from street vendors, & this makes 2 of them 4 what - about $10 cents??? Talk about profit margin. Actually I could open a bakery if all I had 2 do was loaves of pizza style bread. I got that down (Make my own pizzas as well - many kinds). Y'all should make your own pizzas - way cool.


Staff member
Site Supporters
Hey I also noticed if U just do the mix & let it sit about a day, it fluffs without yeast

Somebody help me, FFS, tell me you are trollin', this is just so friggin' ignorant!!

U know that air, we breathe, it's friggin alive dood, with yeast and all kinds of microbes.....simply astounding. ;)


Pinball Wizard
You fuc*ing as*hole - I post a perfectly legitimate question about baking & some tips on stuff & U sit there & rag calling me a 'troll'. Go suck an abo di*k U dork. By the way, where can I DL this 'Mr. Hell show? I don't C it on Kazaa :(



Staff member
Site Supporters
A hahahahahaha.....OK, how perfect<------does not exsist, cannot by definition.

Oh yes I actually know a few bakers, small town and we're friendly like that. ;)

Abo, U dork......Damn, funny as fuck, you just have know idea...

Ah Mr Hell top animated show, as to .net sources, dunno, watched it here on our free to air services, SBS, heck I'm sure it's floatin' about on newsgroups or torrents, go google 4 it.


Staff member
Site Supporters
Awww.......come on Mr Trident, your average pastry chef just aint gonna be able to relate to that post, actually I'm none to sure I can. :p

Eggs are used in bakery, still few bakers blow them, I have seen it done with an Emu egg and it looked none to easy to do.

Oh and the picture, it has got more appeal, being somewhat quasi dimensional. ;)
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