Hey Bob, e-mail jokes

tiltjlp

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I figure if you could start a Hey John thread, I could return the favor. So here are jokes folks have sent me that I think sre funny.


Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning to do it's
own, entitled "Survivor -Texas Style."

The contestants will start in Dallas, travel to Waco, Austin, San Antonio,
over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to
Del Rio, on to El Paso, then to Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo.
From there, they'll proceed to Abilene, Ft. Worth and finally back to
Dallas.

Each contestant will be driving a pink Volvo with a bumper sticker that
reads: "I'm gay, I'm a vegetarian, I voted for Al Gore, George Strait
sucks,
Hillary in 2004, and I'm here to confiscate your guns!!!"

The first one to make it back to Dallas alive wins!

John
 
The only other joke I know

The Carrot Joke

Two carrots were walking down a county lane, when a tractor went out of control and plo\wed into them. One of the carrot didn't have a scratch on him, but the other one was shredded up a good bit, so an ablumlance was called.

When they arrived at the hospital, the shredded carrot was rushed to the operating table, while his friend paced about. Finally, about what seemd like forever, the doctor came over the talk to the healthy carrot. Take it easy, I have sone good news and some not so good news for you.

Your friend is going to live, but I'm sorry to say that he's going to be very much a vegetable the rest of his life. :p

HA HA, isn't that great!!!!!! I can't stop laughing.

John
 
Here's another not funny carrot joke :D

A guy goes into the bar with a carrot in his ear. He orders a drink. The bar tender wants to mention the carrot but doesn't.
Next day the same guy with a carrot in his ear goes to the same bar and orders a drink. Again the bar tender wants to say something about the carrot but doesn't.
The 3rd day the same guy and the same carrot go to the bar and order a drink. As the bar tender serves the man he can't stand it any more. He says to the guy, "Hey Mack, you know you got a carrot in your ear?
The guy replies, "I can't hear you because I've got a carrot in my ear."
 
OK, I got to admit my carrot joke sucked :) so I owe you a better joke. . . .

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 miles home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."
 
Funnire than a rubber crutch

Your last joke is funny and sick, a nice combination. But you never said if you liked my carrot joke? Great, wasn't it?

John :p
 
Re: Funnire than a rubber crutch

tiltjlp said:
Your last joke is funny and sick, a nice combination. But you never said if you liked my carrot joke? Great, wasn't it?

John :p

I can honestly say, it's one of the "best" carrot jokes I've ever heard! :D
 
Yeah, thanks pal

And probably the only carrot joke you had heard up till then. but that's OK, I'm easily amused. I even think you're funny! :o

John
 
I can't hear you because I've got a carrot in my ear. :lol:

Are you getting excited about this Forum?

Or is that a carrot in your pocket! :lol:
 
bob said:
OK, I got to admit my carrot joke sucked :) so I owe you a better joke. . . .

An Irishman's been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 miles home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.
He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" He asks as he puts on an innocent look.
"The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again."

Thats So FUNNY LOL :lol:
 
Now for something far more tasteful, there is even a moral in this. ;)

Michael the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession to suckle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Haratio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Haratio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Michael the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Michael the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to have Haratio the Physician arrange it and that he would gladly pay the 1,000 gold coins for the chance to satisfy his desires for the Queen.

The next day, Haratio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's massive brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Haratio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure the Queen's itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Michael the Dragon Slayer had present the antidote to cure the itch.

King Arthur quickly summoned Michael the Dragon Slayer. Haratio the Physician then slipped Michael the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put it into his mouth, and for the next four hours, worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Michael the Dragon Slayer left not only satisfied, but as a hero.

Upon returning to his chambers, Michael the Dragon Slayer found Haratio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Michael the Dragon Slayer could have cared less, and -- knowing that Haratio the Physician could never report the matter to the King -- shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Haratio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into King Arthur's loincloth. King Arthur quickly summoned Michael the Dragon Slayer...

MORAL: Pay your bills
 
Good one Steve

I'll never be late with another payment again, just to be on the safe side.

John
 
Computer cartoons

A friend sent me these, some are pretty good I think.

John
 

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#2
 

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Just getting started.
 

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#4
 

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The next one.
 

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Just a few more.
 

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Smiling yet?
 

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Great attachment system, isn't it? The last one.
 

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The internet generation, funny stuff, though I think I like Calvin and Hobbs better, anyways on with the picture show. ;)

Now here is a public transport advert..
 

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What the hey here is the other ad in the series, I'm going Dublin Bus, to be sure, to be sure. :lol:
 

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Little Johnny keeps asking his Dad for a television in his bedroom, to which his Dad keeps saying "No". After all the nagging, he agrees and says, "OK".

Several nights later Johnny comes downstairs and asks "Dad, what's Love Juice?"

Dad is horrified, and after looking at Mum who's also gob smacked, proceeds to give his son the whole works, warts and all. Johnny now sits on the sofa with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad asks, "So, what is it you've been watching then Son?"

Johnny replies, "Wimbledon."
 
Ah hahahaha! :lol:

I like little Jonny jokes. ;)

Little Jonny goes out to feed the chickens in the coop and sees that one is dead, laying on the ground with its legs in the air. Tearfully Jonny runs to his father and asks why the chicken is dead and why its legs are in the air. His father replies that it was his time to go to heaven and his legs are in the air so God can pick him up.

Two weeks later Jonny comes running bawling his eyes out to his father again. After calming him down his dad asks what's wrong.

Jonny replies "I just saw mummy laying on her back with her feet in the air shouting "Oh God I'm coming, I'm coming" and if Uncle George hadn't been there to hold her down we would have lost her for sure!"
 
This Is A Stupid Joke But.

There's This Boy Named Johny Deeper. One Day He Had To Stay After School For detention. Johny Say "I Know How To Multiply" to his teacher Mrs.Doo. Then He Says " First Take Off Your Shirt. The Teacher Replied "K, But Why", Johny Says "Just Do It. Then He Says "Take Of Your Pants And Underware. He Rippes Off Her Pants. Then He Says I Saw This On TV. Its Called Multiplying, You said you would teach us this Tomorow. Then His Dad Walk Into The Room To Pick Him Up. He Shouts "Johnny Deeper Deeper" and johny replies "I'm Trying, I'm Trying".
 
Well. not that I can do better, but with these jokes, instead of the Back Fence, it should be called the Corn Field! :lol: :lol: :lol: Love your forums, John

Gary
 
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    @Free Bally!, Pirates are often depicted with eye patches in popular culture, but the reasons for this vary. Here are a few possible explanations:

    1. **Injury**: The most straightforward reason a pirate might wear an eye patch is that they lost an eye due to injury. Pirate battles, sword fights, and the general hazards of seafaring life could easily lead to eye injuries, necessitating an eye patch.

    2. **Myth and Stereotype**: The image of a pirate with an eye patch has become a stereotype perpetuated by movies, books, and other forms of media. It's part of the romanticized pirate image that includes peg legs, hooks for hands, and parrots on shoulders.

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    nope... it was because a seagul shit in his eye the day after he got the new hook fitted
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    He couldn't scratch his eye, or tried and had to get the patch because of the hook...:pirat:🏴‍☠️🪝
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    ahh well, back to work tomorrow
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    Looking at Tuesday for a real day off, ahhh
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    Hope you find your keys!
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    But working long every darned day has (Finally!) cleared up pain in my hip that has plagued me since April
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    haha, naw the keys are long gone. HAVE to get a new pair of pants... Without A Hole In The Pocket!
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    Get AC 4! you :pirat:
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    Got AC, weather-liars say i'll need an umbrella all weekend
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    ohh oops
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    you mean the pirate game!
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    AC = Assasin's Creed...4...Black Flag.
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    heh, they all look like pirate queens, instead of a gig on the beach, the Law Of The Sea says they have to fight until there's only one
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    ahoy, have to go make some salad of fish chunks flavored to taste like crab, have a salty Friday ya scallawag!
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