Hey Bob, e-mail jokes

Hey Bob, more e-mail jokes

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says,

"I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother

and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about," the son yells.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer,"

the old man says. "We're sick and tired of each other,

and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister

in Chicago and tell her."

And he hangs up. Frantic, the son calls his sister,

who was equally agitated on the phone. "Like heck they're

getting a divorce," she shouts. "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately and yells at her dad,

"You are NOT getting divorced! Don't do a single thing

until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both

be there tomorrow. Until then don't do a thing,

DO YOU HEAR ME?" And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife with a smile.

"They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
> > For centuries, Hindu women have worn a red spot on their
> >foreheads. We have naively thought it had something to do
> >with their religion. The true story has just been revealed
> >by the Indian Embassy in Washington.
> >
> > When one of these women gets married, on her wedding night
> >the husband scratches off the red spot to see if he has won a
> convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop, or a motel.

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the
woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet
I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come
shopping with me, and I figured this was the most
evil thing I could do to him legally."

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax
pour it onto your upper thigh,
rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with
communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the
instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know
the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the man,
"Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and
whispered, "It's Pillsbury, isn't it?
The rest of the story gets rather ugly, so I'll stop right here.

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down
the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can
help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of
tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct
aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton
balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for
some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent
my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes,
and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling
papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own ............ so does she.

A couple drove down a country road for several miles,
not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an
argument and neither of them wanted to concede their
position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats,
and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
"Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

A husband read an article to his wife about how many
words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we
have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

T.G.I.F. vs S.H.I.T

A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde
already inside who greeted him with a bright,"T-G-I-F." He smiled at
her and replied, "S-H-I-T." She looked puzzled, and repeated,
"T-G-I-F," more slowly, He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so, she smiled her biggest
smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain,"'T-G-I- means
'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday
Now now some holiday humor

First off, the truth about Santa.


According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's
reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.

Now, just to make sure Bob, your Spidey costume isn't velvet, is it?

And next up, some cats and dogs help spread the holiday spirit.


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And more


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Two left


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The last one. And if at least one of these didn't make you smile, you really are a Scrooge.


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A snail slithered into a car dealership and was looking around at a few cars. He was suddenly approached by a salesman who asked if he needed any help.

The snail told him about how he was looking for a decent performance car and the salesmen showed him a few models, to which the snail was pretty much unimpressed.

The snail finally set his eyes on one car in particular.

"This is the newest model, the Super Ess"

"How much?" asked the snail.

"$24,000" and said the salesman, and proceeded to reel off the features.

"I'll take it" said the snail.

The snail headed inside to fill out some paperwork and was handed the keys.

The snail gets in the car, slowly drives to the exit, and all of a sudden with a thunderous screech he spins the wheels, blows up some smoke and belts down the road.

To which the salesman exclaimed "Holy shit! look at that Ess Car Go!"
What a groaner Posty, and I didn't even see it coming. Anyone who has any more good puns, and all puns are good, please post them. That's the nice thing about not being able to remember jokes, I get to enjoy them over and over.

straight from MAD magazine we have: "things we can hardly believe" dept--

1) that i discovered this thread just now

2) that's it's 11yrs old at this point, motherfucker!

3) that i'm STILL unsure whether we had more fun back in yon "good 'ol days," or whether reason and society had made us smarter and cannier old fogies at this point.

IN CONCLUSION: i think we can all agree that bob and pete SUCK. ...and that the most excellent way of saying that and supporting that is not to reply. :)
From the "One Good Pun Deserves Another" Department:

A young woman arrested for prostitution faced the Judge and explained that the women in her family for many generations had made their livings the same way, and she was Not Guilty by reason of heredity. The Judge grinned at her and said, "Congenitally congenial genitals, huh?"
A Couple OF Gay Jokes

Q: why did the gay guy get excited when he heard the football scores?
A: he heard his team the packers had a come from behind win.

Q: how do you know you are at a gay picnic?
A: all the hot dogs taste like shit.
basketball player rajon got tossed out of a game the other day for that. down in the comments section i came across this:

Jim Valvano asked a ref if he could a technical foul just for what he was thinking.

The ref said "no, of course not".

Then Valvano said "In that case, I think you suck".

The ref said he couldn’t give him a technical because that line was too good.

also, from a different page:

Two pirates, Morty and Sol, meet 
in a bar. Sol has a patch over one eye, 
a hook for a hand, and a wooden peg leg. “Ye gads, matey,†says Morty. “What happened to ya?â€

Sol says, “Me pirate ship was attacked, and a lucky shot lopped off me leg. So now I got me a wooden peg.â€

“And yer hand?†asks Marty.

“When me ship sank, a shark bit me hand off. So now I got me a hook.â€

“OK, but what’s with the eye patch?â€

“I was standin’ on a dock, and the biggest seagull I ever saw poops right in me eye.â€

“But ya don’t go blind from no seagull poop.â€

“True,†says Sol. “But it was me first day with the hook.â€

—Jason Alexander

My favorite joke of all time is: “Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play?â€

—Gary Gulman, a finalist on Last Comic Standing, has appeared on Late Night with Seth Meyers and Inside Amy Schumer


A guy approached a priest to request a funeral for his dog. The priest explained he couldn’t do that, but the man insisted. Sorry, why don’t you ask the Protestant minister across the street,†says the priest.

“That’s too bad, Father,†said the disconsolate man as he was leaving. “There was going to be a thousand dollar stipend.â€

The priest stopped him: “Why didn’t you tell me your dog was Catholic?â€

—Cindy Willims, who played “Shirley†on Laverne & Shirley, quoting a gag from a play she starred in, Meshuggah-Nuns!
Did I see this one? Yeah, I think so. It was so long ago. But I dunno.
I used to watch this guy. But some of these folks know how to disguise themselves. Like this:

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So, I ran in to something of a trove today, stashed by the legendary designer of The Fool's Errand, i.e. Cliff Johnson. This is all two years of his short but lovely little newsletters: https://www.fools-errand.com/12-FG/index.htm

Here's a couple of his jokes...

The Devil confronts the lawyer.

The Devil says, “I will give you countless riches in exchange for your eternal soul, and the souls of your family.â€

The lawyer thinks for a moment and replies, “So, what’s the catch?â€

Memorable sayings:

The early worm catches the fish. The early bird catches the worm. The early worm gets eaten. And the second mouse gets the cheese.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went camping. They pitched their tent and went to sleep inside.

In the middle of the night, Holmes woke Watson and declared, “Look up at the sky, and tell me what you see.â€

“I see millions and millions of stars,†Watson said.

“And what do you deduce from that?†Holmes inquired.

“Well, if there are millions of stars, then there must be other planets,†Watson replied. “And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.â€

“No, no, my dear Watson,†Holmes exclaimed. “Somebody has stolen our tent.â€
What did the bra say to the hat?

You go on a head. I’ll give these two a lift.

That's an awfully big moustache - YouTube
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“I would like vitamins for my son,” a mother said. “Vitamin A, B or C?” the pharmacist asked. “It doesn’t matter,” the mother replied. “He can’t read yet.”

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