Hey Bob, e-mail jokes

[tiltjlp]

Good point Gary

So just for you, here are some more corn.

1. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to =
the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people =
can buy cigarettes at the front.


2. Only in America......do people order double cheeseburgers, large =
fries, and a diet coke.


3.. Only in America......do banks leave both doors open and then chain =
the pens to the counters.


4. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and =
then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't =
want to talk to in the first place.


5. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns =
in packages of eight.


6. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille =
lettering.


EVER WONDER ~~~~


Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?


Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?


Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?


Why is! "abbreviated" such a long word?


Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?


Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid =
is made with real lemons?


Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?


When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?


Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?


Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?


You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why =
don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?


Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?


~~~~~


In case you needed further! proof that the human race is doomed through =
stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.


On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( and that's the only =
time I have to work on my hair.)


On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.

Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)


On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that =
would be how??...)


On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, =
it's "just" a suggestion.)


On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside =
down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)


On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."

(...and you thought????...)


On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but =
wouldn't! this save me more time?)


On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate =
machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce =
the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those =
5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)


On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and... I'm taking =
this because???....)


On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."

(as opposed to...what?)


On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, =
somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)


On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news =
flash)


On an American Airlines packet of nuts:

"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)


On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable =
you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this =
one.)

John

 

[tiltjlp]

Blonde joke 1

> BLONDE COOKBOOK
>
> Or someone who just can't cook....
>
> MONDAY:
>
> It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food
> cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The
> neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.
>
> TUESDAY:
>
> Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said
> serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a
> surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper.
>
> WEDNESDAY:
>
> A good day for rice. The recipe said wash
> thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of
> silly but I took a bath anyway. I can't say it
> improved the rice any.
>
> THURSDAY:
>
> Today Tom asked for salad again. I tried a new
> recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a
> bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Tom asked me
> why I was rolling around in the garden.
>
> FRIDAY:
>
> I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put
> the ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have
> been something wrong with this recipe. When I got
> back, everything was the same as when I left.
>
> SATURDAY:
>
> Tom did the shopping today and brought home a
> chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy).
> For some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.
>
> SUNDAY:
>
> Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve
> roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a
> flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and
> set the controls for roast. It still came out
> hamburger, much to my disappointment.
>
> GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very
> exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to come so I
> can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom
> into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise
> him with Chocolate Moose.

John

 

[tiltjlp]

Blonde joke 2

The Pregnant Blonde

A blonde came running up to her husband in the driveway as he came home From work, just jumping for joy. He didn't know why she was jumping for joy but
thought, what the heck, and started jumping up and down with her. When she
said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!", he said, "Great, tell
me what you're so happy about!"

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and
down, when she told him that she was pregnant!

He was ecstatic! They had been trying for awhile. He kissed her and told
her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"

Then, she said, "Oh, honey, there's more!"

He asked, "What do you mean, 'more'?"

She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby, we are going to have
TWINS!"

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, he asked her
how she knew.

She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went toWal-Mart and bought the
twin pack, home pregnancy test kit and BOTH tests came out positive!!!"


John

 

[tiltjlp]

True or not it's weird

Bill owns a company that manufactures and installs car wash systems.
(Magic Wand Car Wash Systems, just in case you want to buy one.)
Bill's company installed a car wash system in Frederick, Md. Now
understand that these are complete systems, including the money changer
and money taking machines=20

The problem started when the new owner complained to Bill that he was
losing significant amounts of money from his coin machines each week.
He went as far as to accuse Bill's employees of having a key to the
boxes and ripping him off. Bill just couldn't believe that his people
would do that, so they set up a camera to catch the thief in action.
Well, they did catch him on film!

That's a bird sitting on the change slot of the machine.


The bird had to go down into the machine, and back up inside to get
to the money!


That's three quarters he has in his beak! Another amazing thing is that it
was not just one bird -- there were several working together.


Once they identified the thieves, they found over $4000 in quarters on the roof of the car wash and more under a nearby tree.

John

 

[tiltjlp]

Be careful UT2

You might want to be careful about kissing schoolgirls!

Lipstick Cure

A certain private school in Beverly Hills was faced with a unique problem. A
number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it
on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they
would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the
girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all
the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She
explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the
custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how
difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to
show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned
the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
There are teachers, and then there are educators...

John . . . That's all for now folks.

 

[tiltjlp]

Another batch, Bob

An employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. > The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the > Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the
assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up
> putting the entire plant behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides that he should see this for himself so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Elmos all over the floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee.

She has a roll of red plush fabric and a big bag of marbles. The men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face," but I think you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give each Elmo two test tickles."

John

 

[tiltjlp]

A woman takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. Not knowing that her 9-year-old son is hiding in the closet, her husband comes home unexpectedly, so she puts the lover in the closet with the little boy.
>
>The little boy says, "Dark in here."
>The man says, "Yes it is."
>Boy - "I have a baseball."
>Man - "That's nice."
>Boy - "Want to buy it?"
>Man - "No, thanks."
>Boy - "My dad's outside."
>Man - "OK, how much?"
>Boy - "$250."
>
>In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and
>the mom's lover are in the closet together.
>
>Boy - "Dark in here."
>Man - "Yes, it is."
>Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
>The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
>Boy - "$750."
>Man - "Fine."
>
>A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your
>glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth."
>
>The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."
>The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
>The son says "$1,000."
>The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.
>That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to
>take you to church and make you confess."
>
>They go to the church and the father makes the little
>boy sit in the confessional booth and he closes the door.
>
>The boy says, "Dark in here."
>The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

 

[tiltjlp]

Semms that way sometimes

Boyfriend 5.0


Dear Help Desk,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that
the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications which had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

Additionally, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such
as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as Football 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to rectify these problems, but to no
avail.

Help please!

------Desperate

Dear Desperate,

Please bear in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while
Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try to enter the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME, then install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. However, remember that overuse could cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, HappyHour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create "Snoring Loudly" WAV
files. DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will cause Husband 1.0 to crash.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, however, it does have
limited memory and is unable to learn new applications quickly. Consider
purchasing additional software to improve performance.

Personally, I would recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3.

------Help Desk

 

[tiltjlp]

4 of them

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond
female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it, then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again and went to the mail box
and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,
marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder
than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"
To which she replied, "There certainly is!"

Are you ready? ... this is a beauty .... "My stupid computer keeps saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL."

*

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She
was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She
thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired
hand. He returned around two-thirty and found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace.

She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off,"
she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did so, slowly. "Now take off my socks." He did. "Now take off my skirt."

He did. "Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he
was told. Now," she said, "take off my panties." He slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes to town again, I'll fire you on the spot."

*
A blonde was driving home after a football game, and got caught in a
really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day
she took it to a repair shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started
blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened. Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, .
>
>"HELLLLO" "You need to roll up the windows"

*
HOW BLONDE WAS SHE?? She Was Sooo Blonde...

She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She thought General Motors was in the Army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
She thought Boyz II Me was a day-care center.
At the bottom of an application where it says "sign here," she wrote
"Sagittarius."

She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics".

She tripped over a cordless phone.
She spent 20 minutes looking at an orange juice can because it said
"Concentrate."
She told someone to meet her at the corner of WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She studied for a blood test.
She thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
She sold the car for gas money.
When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she
moved.
She thought Taco Bell was Mexico's phone company.
She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
She thought she could only use her AM radio in the morning.
She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front"

They ain't all FEMALE jokes.....

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work
on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage. If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If Iget burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too. "

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and
cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a
burrito and jumped too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the ologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would
havegiven it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said,"I could have given him tacos
or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.

"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "He made his own lunch."

 

[tiltjlp]

Kids will be kids

1. Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm hit with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 A.M., I found my two children in bed with my wife, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest room that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that
night.

They said OK. After my next trip several weeks later, my wife and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, there were hundreds of other folks waiting for their
arriving passengers, also. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came runnin! g shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!" As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"

"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted. The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

2. An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then 4 yr. old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. 'Be still, my heart, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!' Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

3. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday

School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

4. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

5. A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

6. At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children were sitting down around the pastor, he leaned over and said to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The girl replied almost directly into the pastor's clip-on mike, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

7. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

 

[utplayer2]

http://www.snopes.com/photos/carwash.asp

 

[StevOz]

^ That was Great! ^

8)

Cheers!

 

[utplayer2]

Ha Ha Ha LOL Those Are Funny.

 

[tiltjlp]

Bill Gates dies.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

"Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm not sure
whether to send you to Heaven or Hell! After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"

Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?" God said, "You can take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?"

"Sure!" said Bill. "Let's go!"

Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters.

There were thousands of beautiful women running around, laying in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was just perfect!

Bill said, "This is great! If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven!"

To which God replied, "Let's go!" and off they went.

Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting
about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell.

Mr. Gates thought for a brief moment and rendered his ecision. "God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell."

"As you desire," said God.

Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons. "How ya doing,' Bill?" asked God.

Bill responded with anguish and despair. "This is awful! This is not what I
expected at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"

"Oh, THAT!" said God. "That was the screen saver!"

 

[tiltjlp]

Subject: Irate Customer

For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one
is for you. It's a classic!

In dealing with those 'special' customers we all love, an award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A lone agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his
ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has
to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but
I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work
something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at
the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "F*** you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to
get in line for that, too."

 

[tiltjlp]

TODAY'S INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE:

"When flowing water meets with obstacles on its path, a blockage in its =
journey, it pauses. It increases in volume and strength, filling up in =
front of the obstacle and eventually spilling past it..."

~ I Ching

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_:-.,_,.-:**:-.,_,=20

=20
"It's amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the =
credit."

~ Harry S. Truman=20

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_:-.,_,.-:**:-.,_,=20


"Expect people to be better than they are; it helps them to become =
better. But don't be disappointed when they are not; it helps them to =
keep trying."

~ Author Unknown

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_:-.,_,.-:**:-.,_,


"The aim of life is to live, and to live means to be aware, joyously, =
drunkenly, serenely, divinely aware."

~ Henry Miller

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_:-.,_,.-:**:-.,_,


"One of the keys to happiness is a bad memory."

~ Rita Mae Brown

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_:-.,_,.-:**:-.,_,


"Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't, and a =
sense of humor to console him for what he is."=20

~ Author Unknown

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_:-.,_,.-:**:-.,_,


"The world is a dangerous place, not because of those who do evil, but =
because of those who look on and do nothing."

~ Albert Einstein=20

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_:-.,_,.-:**:-.,_,=20


"Your life can slip through your fingers if you live in the past or the =
future. Live your life with passion every day and you'll truly live all =
the days of your life."=20

~ Nikita Koloff

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_:-.,_,.-:**:-.,_,


"Avoid having your ego so close to your position that when your position =
falls, your ego goes with it."

~ Colin Powell

*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_:-.,_,.-:**:-.,_,=20
=20


"Everything that you do or say that raises the self-esteem of another =
raises yours as well."=20

~ Brian Tracy =20


*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_,.-:*'``'*:-.,_:-.,_,.-:**:-.,_,



"Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too =
long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for =
those who love, time is eternity."

~ Henry VanDyke

 

[tiltjlp]

Only In Minnesota

One night, a torrential rain soaked northwestern Minnesota. The next morning the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes there.

Mrs. Johnson was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Lena, waiting for help to come. Mrs. Johnson noticed a baseball cap, floating near the house. Then she saw it float far out into the front yard, then float back to the house; it kept floating away from the house, then back towards the house.

Her curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Lena, "Do you see dat der baseball cap a floatin' away from da house, den back again?"

Lena said, "Oh yeah, dats my husband Ole; I tole dat lazy-ass he vas
gonna cut da grass today, come hell or high water!!!!

 

[tiltjlp]

> >Subject: SEVEN REASONS TO CRAWL UNDER A ROCK :
> >
1. CURL UP AND DIE........I walked into a hair salon with my husband and
three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?"
> >- Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin
> > TX
> >
2. PAD PLEASE.......... An insurance man visited me at home to talk about
our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me,
and I wanted to follow as best I could so I told my 6-year-old son to run
and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest. - Kate Newman, 46, Winston-Salem, NC
> >
3. HO, HO, HO............. I was taking a shower when my 2 year old son
came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he
made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera! -
> > Name Withheld
> >
4. LADY GOLFER................ I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of
the good looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could
help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing
with men's balls. " - Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI
> >
5. NUTS ABOUT YOU............My sister and I were at the mall and passed
by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display
case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget. - Faye Emerick, 34, Ellerslie, MD
> >
6. PRICELESS.............A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on
the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE CHECK ON
LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"
> >
7. MOM'S ADVICE......... A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying
attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite
embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his thing hanging out. "I thought I told you to call your Mom," she screamed. "I did," he said, "and she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school".

 

[tiltjlp]

YOU KNOW YOU'RE A REDNECK WHEN ...2003 EDITION
=20
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
=20
2. You can entertain yourself for more than an hour
with a fly swatter.
=20
3. Your property has been mistaken for a recycling
center.
=20
4. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
=20
5. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
=20
6. You think the Nutcracker is something you do off
the high dive.
=20
7. The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
=20
8. Your entire family sat around waiting for a call
from the governor to spare a loved one.
=20
9. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back
and they don't want it.
=20
10. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
=20
11. You come back from the dump with more than you
took.
=20
12. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
=20
13. Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.
=20
14. You think subdivision is part of a math problem.
=20
15. You've bathed with flea and tick soap.
=20
16. You've been involved in a custody fight over a
hunting dog.
=20
17. Your kids take a siphon hose for show and tell.
=20
18. You go to the stock car races and don't need a
program.
=20
19. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
=20
20. You use a rag for a gas cap.
=20
21. Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck
does.
=20
22. You wonder how service stations keep their
restrooms so clean.
=20
23. You can spit without opening your mouth.
=20
24. You consider your license plate personalized
because your father made it.
=20
25. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
=20
26. You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to
fill your deer quota.
=20
27. You have a complete set of salad bowls, and they
all say Cool Whip on the side.
=20
28. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
=20
29. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working
TV.
=20
30. You thought the Unabomber was a wrestler.
=20
31. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
=20
32. You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of
K-Mart.
=20
33. Your neighbors think you're a detective because a
cop always brings you home.
=20
34. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a
$100,000 worth of improvement.
=20
35. You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.
=20
36. You've asked the preacher, "How's it hangin'?"
=20
37. You missed 5th grade graduation because you had
jury duty.
=20
38. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

 

[tiltjlp]

> A "Husband Shopping Center" was opened where a woman could go to
> choose from among many men and select one to be her husband.
>
It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive
attributes as you ascended up the floors.

However, once you opened the door to any floor you must choose a man from that floor and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the center. So, two girlfriends decide to go to the shopping center to find husbands.
>
On the First floor, the door had a sign reading:

"These men have jobs and love kids."
>
The women read the sign and said: "Well that's better than not having
jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they go.
Second floor - a sign says: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids,
and are extremely good looking."
>
"Hmmm," say the girls. "But, what could be further up?"
>
Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good
looking, love kids &help with the housework."
>
"Wow!" say the women. "Very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!"
And so again, they go up.
>
> Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are
> extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong
> romantic streak."
>
> The women were ecstatic. "Oh, mercy me," they cried. "But what must
> be awaiting us further on?"
>
> So up to the fifth floor they go. The sign on that door said: "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping and have a nice day!"

 

[tiltjlp]

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Rock, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?" No one answered until little Marcy stood up, angry, and said, "You should not be
asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!" With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. Rock ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Marcy's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Bruce stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Rock said, "Very good, Bruce," then turned to Marcy and said, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

(1) you have a dirty mind,
(2) you didn't read your homework, and
(3) one day you are going! to be very, very disappointed."

 

[tiltjlp]

Somewhere in the deep South, Bubba called an attorney and asked, "Is it
true they're suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?"

"Yes, Bubba, that is true."

"And people are suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and 0
clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries ... is that true, mister lawyer?"

"Sure is Bubba, but why do you ask?"

"Cause I was thinkin' .... maybe I can sue Budweiser for all them ugly
women I've been wakin' up with!"

 

[tiltjlp]

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each
child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up
with the remainder of the proverb. It's hard to believe these were
actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While
reading these keep in mind that these are first graders... "6" year-olds,
because the last one is classic!


Better to be safe than......................punch a 5th grader.
Strike while the ...........................bug is close.
It's always darkest before..................Daylight Saving Time.
Never underestimate the power of............termites.
You can lead a horse to water but...........how?
Don't bite the hand that....................looks dirty.
No news is..................................impossible.
A miss is as good as a......................Mr.
You can't teach an old dog new..............math.
If you lie down with dogs, you'll...........stink in the morning.
Love all, trust.............................me.
The pen is mightier than the................pigs.
An idle mind is.............................the best way to relax.
Where there's smoke there's.................pollution.
Happy the bride who.........................gets all the presents.
A penny saved is............................not much.
Two's company, three's......................the Musketeers.
Don't put off till tomorrow what............you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and.....you have to
blow your nose.
There are none so blind as..................Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not.............spanked or grounded.
If at first you don't succeed...............get new batteries.
You get out of something only what you..... see in the picture on the
box.
When the blind leadeth the blind............get out of the way.

And the favorite:

Better late than...........................pregnant!!!!

 

[tiltjlp]

Hey, lookie here Bob

Well, my friend got her computer back from the repair shop, and she's sending me more e-mail jokes. Here we go.

10 Polite Ways To Say Your Zipper Is Down by David Letterman

10. The cucumber has left the salad
9. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
8. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked
position.
7. Paging Mr. Johnson...Paging Mr. Johnson.
6. Elvis has left the building.
5. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. Men may be From Mars.....but I can see something that rhymes withVenus.

We is FRIENDS!

Me And You Is Friends ..
You Smile, I Smile ...
You Hurt, I Hurt ....
You Cry, I Cry ...
You Jump Off A Bridge ..
I Gonna Miss You


A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asked.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."


Perfect Password

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer,
and at the appropriate point in the process, told him
that he would now need to enter a password.
Something he will use to log on.

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured
he would try for the shock effect to bring this to
his wife's attention.

So, when the computer asked him to enter his password,
he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in


P...
E...
N...
I...
S.

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:

***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***


Subject: Pledge of Allegiance
> > >
> > >Just gotta love Dennis Miller on this one.....
> > >
> > >Dennis Miller said recently, regarding the
> > >judges who declared the Pledge of Allegiance
> > >unconstitutional:
> > >
> > >"So, Your Honor, the Pledge is unconstitutional
> > >because it says 'Under God'. Guess that means
> > >when you were sworn in with your hand on a Bible,
> > >and at the end of your oath repeated, 'So Help Me
> > >God' that makes your job unconstitutional,
> > >therefore you have no job, which means your ruling
> > >doesn't mean shit."


SUBJECT: Nice Comeback

As some of you may know, one of my sons serves in the military. He is still stateside, here in California. He called me yesterday to let me know how warm and welcoming people were to him, and his troops, everywhere he goes, telling me how people shake their hands, and thank them for being willing to serve, and fight, for not only our own freedoms but so that others may have them also. But he also told me about an incident in the grocery store he
stopped at yesterday, on his way home from the base.

He said that ahead of several people in front of him stood a woman dressed in a burkha. He said when she got to the cashier she loudly remarked about the US flag lapel pin the cashier wore on her smock. The cashier reached up and touched the pin, and said proudly, "yes, I always wear it and I probably always will."

The woman in the burkha then asked the cashier when she was going to stop bombing her countrymen, explaining that she was Iraqi. A gentleman standing behind my son stepped forward, putting his arm around my son's shoulders, and nodding towards my son, said in a calm and gentle voice to the Iraqi woman:

"Lady, hundreds of thousands of men and women like this young man have fought and died so that YOU could stand here, in MY country and accuse a check-out cashier of bombing YOUR countrymen. It is my belief that had you been this outspoken in YOUR own country, we wouldn't need to be there today. But,
hey, if you have now learned how to speak out so loudly and clearly, I'll gladly buy you a ticket and pay your way back to Iraq so you can straighten out the mess in YOUR country that you are obviously here in MY country to avoid."

Everyone within hearing distance cheered.

THE NURSING HOME POLICE

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel, and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

It was only because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic that the other residents tolerated her, and in fact some of the male patients actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Crazy Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "Stop!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing ? " Ethel fished around her pocketbook and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper, and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and Ethel sped away down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV. lounge on one wheel, Weird Willie popped out in front of her and shouted "Stop ! Have you got proof of insurance? " Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster, and held it up to him. Willie nodded, and said, "Carry on, Missy."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Charlie stepped out in front of her, stark naked, and I might add with a sizable erection. "Oh , good grief," cried Ethel, " not the Breathalyzer again! "


>>One blonde asks another:
> >> >
> >> >"Which is further, London or the Moon?".....................
> >> > The other replies: "HELLOOOOO, can you see London from > >>here?????!!!!!


A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees 3 men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!" The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!" At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says, "Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk


I am passing this on to you because it has definitely worked for
>me...and >at this time of year we all could use a little... calm!!!
>By following the simple advice I read in an article, I have finally found >inner peace...

The article read:
>"The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've
>started."
>
>So I looked around the house to see all the things I started and hadn't >finished... and before coming to work this morning I finished off a bottle >of red wine, a bottle of white wine, the Bailey's, Kahlua and Wild Turkey, >my Prozac, some valium and a box of chocolates. >You have no idea how freakin good I feel...

John

 

[panda55]

Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(wait till you see the last one)!


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER


DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY


MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S


A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE


ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE



AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:


PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS