More Jokes ....

[tiltjlp]

And this one is especially for John and the other cat lovers. (I almost said cat-owners but of cause that would be wrong. Dogs have owners, cats have staff)

How to give a cat a pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a
baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and
gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat
opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm
and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws
tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with
right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear
paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with
one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub
cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make
note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered
figurines and vases from the hearth and set to one side to repair later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just
visible below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open
with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take
taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet
with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer.
Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force
mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.
Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to
cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whisky compress
to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch
new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the road.
Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie the cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly
to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill
into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold
head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to casualty, sit
quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnant
from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet
shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to Give a Dog a Pill?

1. Wrap it in bacon

You must have watched me give Sarah Lee pills once upon a time. She developed cancer in her upper gum/jaw when she was six or seven. Luckily it was caught early, and she survived, but for a year I had to give her a cortisone tablet, starting with twice a day.

Now Sarah Lee was a small cat, weighing about 6 1/2 pounds, but had the soul of a mountain lion when it came to taking her pill in the beginning. It was so bad that I put on a jacket to protect my arms, even in the heat of summer.

But in time, since we did the pill Tango twice a day every day, it helped so bond even closer, and eventually, she took her medicine without a fuss. What was nice about it was that I also had to brush her teeth and gums, and again, in time, she allowed me to do it without struggling too awful much. The only good thing about her cancer, other than her surviving it, is that in time she became a lap cat. She's been gone over 2 1/2 years, and I still misss her presence, but her spirit is always close by.

John

 

[tiltjlp]

Amazing how much things can change in only 30 years.

1975: Long hair

2005: Longing for hair


1975: KEG

2005: EKG


1975: Acid rock

2005: Acid reflux



1975: Moving to California because it's cool

2005: Moving to Arizona because it's warm



1975: Tryin to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

2005: Trying NOT to look like MarlonBrando or Liz Taylor



1975: Seeds and stems

2005: Roughage



1975: Hoping for a BMW

2005: Hoping for a BM



1975: Going to a new, hip joint

2005: Receiving a new hip joint



1975: Rolling Stones

2005: Kidney Stones



1975: Being called into the principal's office

2005: Calling the principal's office



1975: Screw the system

2005: Upgrade the system



1975: Disco

2005: Costco



1975: Parents begging you to get your hair cut

2005: Children begging you to get their heads shaved



1975: Passing the drivers' test

2005: Passing the vision test



1975: Whatever

2005: Depends


Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things..

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1987.

They are too young to remember the first space shuttle blowing up on liftoff.


Their lifetime has always included AIDS.


Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.


The CD was introduced the year they were born.


They have always had an answering machine.


They have always had cable.


They cannot fathom not having a remote control.


Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.


Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.


They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.


They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.


They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.


They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane".


They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.


McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.


They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

John

 

[tiltjlp]

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following
conversation took place.

First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out
fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint
every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will
build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife
that I will remodel the kitchen for her."

They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not
said a word. So they asked him. You haven't said anything about
what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's
the deal?"

f ourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I
shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex"
and she said, "Wear sun-block."

 

[tiltjlp]

There's no shortage of ding bats, as this one proves.


I decided that I needed a few days off but realized that I had no vacation, personal or sick leave left, so I figured the best way to get the Boss to send me home was to act a little crazy. I figured he'd think I was "burning out" and would give me some time off.

I came in to work early the other day and began hanging upside down from the ceiling. Just then one of my coworkers (she's blonde. it'll be important later) came in and asked me what I'm doing.

"Shh," I said, "I'm acting crazy to get a few days off. I'm acting like a light bulb."

A second later, the Boss walked by and asked me what I was doing.

"I'm a light bulb!" I exclaimed.

"You're going crazy," he said. "Take a few days off."

With that, I jumped down and started walking out. My blonde coworker started following me. The Boss stopped her and asked where she was going......

She said; "Going home, I can't work in the dark

 

[Matthew]

Top 50 OxyMorons

50. Act naturally

49. Found missing

48. Resident alien

47. Advanced BASIC

46. Genuine imitation

45. Airline Food

44. Good grief

43. Same difference

42. Almost exactly

41. Government organization

40. Sanitary landfill

39. Alone together

38. Legally drunk

37. Silent scream

36. British fashion

35. Living dead

34. Small crowd

33. Business ethics

32. Soft rock

31. Butt Head

30. Military Intelligence

29. Software documentation

28. New York culture

27. New classic

26. Sweet sorrow

25. Childproof

24. "Now, then ..."

23. Synthetic natural gas

22. Christian Scientists

21. Passive aggression

20. Taped live

19. Clearly misunderstood

18. Peace force

17. Extinct Life

16. Temporary tax increase

15. Computer jock

14. Plastic glasses

13. Terribly pleased

12. Computer security

11. Political science

10. Tight slacks

9. Definite maybe

8. Pretty ugly

7. Twelve-ounce pound cake

6. Diet ice cream

5. Rap music

4. Working vacation

3. Exact estimate

2. Religious tolerance

And the Number one top OXYMORON:

1. Microsoft Works

 

[tiltjlp]

Boudreaux staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Thibodeaux.

He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Clotile.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Boudreaux sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.

He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Boudreaux woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Clotile staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Boudreaux?"

Boudreaux said, "Mon cher, why you say such a mean ting?"

"Well," Clotile said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly...... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror.

 

[tiltjlp]

Are you tired of all those sissy "friendship" poems
that always sound good, but never actually come close
to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that
really speaks to true friendship:

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard/bitch who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath...I pledge it till the end, because you are my friend .

 

[Matthew]

PUNS:

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic alcoholic walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

14. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

 

[tiltjlp]

Some really good puns there. keep them coming. They're my favorite kind of humor.

John

 

[tiltjlp]

>>Subject: Trucker Language
>>
>>
>>BLONDE WINS
>>
>>A trucker came into a truck stop
>>cafe and placed his order. He
>>said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of
>>headlights and a pair of running
>>boards
>>
>>The brand new blonde waitress,
>>not wanting to appear stupid,
>>went to the kitchen and said to the cook,
>>"This guy out there just ordered
>>three flat tires, a pair of headlights and
>>a pair of running boards. What
>>does he think this place is an auto
>>parts store?"
>>
>>"No," the cook said. "Three flat
>>tires mean three pancakes, a
>>pair of headlights is two eggs sunny
>>side up, and running boards are
>>2 slices of crisp bacon.
>>
>>"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She
>>thought about it for a moment
>>and then spooned up a bowl of beans a nd
>>gave it to the customer.
>>
>>The trucker asked, "Wh at are the
>>beans for Blondie? She replied,
>>"I thought while you were waiting for the
>>flat tires, headlights and running boards,
>>you might as well gas up!"
>>
>>FOR ONCE THE BLOND GETS EVEN

 

[tiltjlp]

A teacher was doing a study, testing the senses of first graders, using a bowl of Lifesavers.
>> The children began to say:
>> " Red............cherry,"
>> "Yellow.........lemon,"
>> "Green..........lime,"
>> "Orange.......orange,"
>>
>>
>> Finally the teacher gave them all honey Lifesavers.
>>
>>
>> After eating them none of the children could identify the taste.
>>
>>
>> "Well," he said, "I'll give you all a clue; It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."
>>
>>
>>One little girl looked up in horror, spit her Lifesaver out and yelled:
>>
>>
>> "Oh My God!!!! They're assholes!"

 

[panda55]

Wall Mart Service

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to
Mike, "My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I better see
a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,"
Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just
give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you
what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a lot
cheaper than a doctor."
So Joe puts a urine sample in a small jar and takes it
to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer
lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the
sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water
and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two
weeks.Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new
technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer
could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog,
urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm
sample for good measure. Joe hurried back to Wal-Mart,
eager to check the results.
He deposited ten dollars, poured in his concoction,
and awaited the results.
The computer then prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
(Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal
shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into
rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant, Twins. They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your
tennis elbow will never get better!

Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart

===================================================

A young couple left the church and arrived at the
hotel where they were spending the first night of
their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and
began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed his
socks,his new wife asked, " Ewww - what's wrong with
your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.

Why are your feet so gross?"

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and
they continued undressing.

When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.
That's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're
ll lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only
affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As
the undressing continued,her husband at last removed
his underwear.

"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess... smallcox?"

========================================================

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have
a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to
say one thing"

What do they say?" the priest inquired?

They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?'"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I
have two male talking parrots that I have taught to pray and
read the bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and
we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Bob. My parrots
can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots
are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the
solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots
were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in the cage.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:
"Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence.

Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed..

"Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

====================================================

1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, "I'm sorry, Gentlemen. Only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

3. There were two Eskimos sitting in a kayak. They were cold so they lit a fire, and the craft sank. It only proved, once again, that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.

4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces, "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain and they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good brothers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him... what? Answer: A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who posted ten different puns with the hope that at least one of the puns would make someone laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

========================================================

 

[zerhino]

A drunk irish walks up to a stream to be christened into the catholic faith. The priest anoints his head then dunks him in the stream. Then the priest pulls him up and says"have you found Jesus yet?". The drunk replies "No". This repeats several times until "Have you found Jesus yet?"The drunk replies,"Are you sure that hes under there?"

 

[tiltjlp]

I don't know where you find them all Panda, but as always, you crack me up.

John

 

[tiltjlp]

>> Buy Her What She Wants!!!
>>
>> A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for
>> weeks.
>> He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little
>> sports-like car so she could zip through traffic
>> around town. He would probably have settled on
>> any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed
>> to like was way out of their price range.
>> "Look!" she said. "I want something that goes from
>> 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else will
>> do.
>> My birthday is coming up so surprise me!"
>> He did just that.
>> For her birthday, he bought her a brand new
>> bathroom scale.
>> Nobody has seen or heard from him since.

 

[tiltjlp]

Humor that offends everyone should offend noone, right?

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain'tgonnabelievethisshit....

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

 

[tiltjlp]

Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a
drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls
out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues
smoking.

Maude: What in the hell is that?

Mable: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Maude: Where did you get it?

Mable: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Maude hobbles herself into the local
drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind
of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately
asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

 

[Matthew]

FALL CLASSES FOR MEN
AT THE LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED BY DEC 23
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays --- Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll --- Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and
Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub? --- Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor ---
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
After Dinner Dishes --- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity --- Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things --- Starting With Looking In The Right Places
And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch --- Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost --- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live --- Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy --- Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and
Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14

The Stove/Oven --- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses,
diplomas will be issued to the survivors

 

[tiltjlp]

Thanks Matthew, a gal pal of mine is going to love these, but her husband Ed will probably clobber me for sending them to her.

John

 

[Matthew]

The three wise men arrived to visit the child lying in the manger. One of the wise men was exceptionally tall and bumped his head on the low doorway as he entered the stable.

"Ouch, Jesus Christ!" he blurted out loud.

Joseph said, "Write that one down, Mary, it's better than Walter."

 

[Matthew]

Thanks Matthew, a gal pal of mine is going to love these, but her husband Ed will probably clobber me for sending them to her.

John

:D

 

[tiltjlp]

The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to poop on someone's head or windshield.

 

[StevOz]

 

[Matthew]

New Element Discovered

New Element Discovered

A major research institution has recently completed their analysis. Last week they announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named "Governmentium".

Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton like particles called peons.

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

A minute amount of Governmentium causes one reaction to take over four days to complete, when it would normally take less than a second. Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a
reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity
in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium - an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it as half as many peons but twice as many morons.

 

[Matthew]

Blonde's Year in Review:

Blonde's Year in Review:

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M &M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

What a year!!