More Jokes ....

Thanks for 2 more winners. Sure wish I had the knack for writing jokes. I'd even be happy if I could remember them. Keep them coming.

John
 
Seen on a T-shirt:

Stupidity is not a crime.
You are free to go.

Seen on a bumper sticker:

PLEASE: SOMEBODY GIVE HIM A BLOW JOB
SO WE CAN IMPEACH HIM!
 
REMEMBER THIS AT CHRISTMAS TIME

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginn! ing of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

We should've known... ONLY women would be able to drag a fat-ass man in a red velvet suit all around the world in one night and not get lost.
 
The first symptom of AIDS is a hard pounding pain in the ass. :sex: :shakeass:

:bonk:
 
Christmas Party
-------------------------

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 1 December 2005

RE: Christmas Party

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take
place on December 23, starting at noon, in the private function room
at the Grill House.

There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small
band playing traditional carols ........ feel free to sing along!

And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!

A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00pm.

Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however,
no gift should be over $10 to make the giving of gifts easy for
everyone's pockets.

This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO will make a special
announcement at that time!

Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

*************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 2 December 2005

RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.

We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often
coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on we're calling it our "Holiday Party". The same
policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those
still celebrating Reconciliation Day.

There will be no Christmas tree present, No Christmas carols sung. We
will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

***************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 3 December 2005

RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table................. you didn't sign your
name.

I'm happy to accommodate this request but if I put a sign on a table
that reads, "AA Only", you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. How am I
supposed to handle this?

Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since
the union members feel that $10 is too much money and executives
believe $10 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

Patty

****************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All Employees

DATE: 4 December 2005

RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins
the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking
during daylight hours. There goes the party!

Seriously we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of the year
does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill
House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party -
or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil
doggy baggy. Will that work?

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit
farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the
table closest to the restrooms.

Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit
with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be a
flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.

To the person asking permission to cross-dress, no cross-dressing
allowed though.

We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be
available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the
food, we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste
first.

There will be fresh fruits for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot
supply "No sugar" desserts. Sorry!

Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

***************

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director

TO: All ****ing Employees

DATE: 5 December 2005

RE: The ****ing Holiday Party

Vegetarian *****s I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep
this at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit
quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death", as you so
quaintly put it, and you'll get your ****ing salad bar, including
organic tomatoes. But you know, tomatoes have feelings too. They
scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them
scream right NOW!

I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die.

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**********************

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees

DATE: 6 December 2005

RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery and I'll continue to forward your cards to her

In the meantime, Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give
everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!
 
> A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas
cards.
>
>
> She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"
>
>
> The clerk says, "What denomination?"
>
>
> The blonde says, "Heaven help us. Has it come to this?
>
>
> Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists
 
Q: How many jews does it take 2 screw in a lightbulb???

A: 1 2 trick a mexican into working 4 free, & the other 2 sue the architect 4 making the ceilings '2 high' :D

True story! Neighbor was an architect (retired).

Hmmm, I could make up more jokes, but probably Mr. Cat would claim that I am 'off topic' & move it 2 a thread - what kind of thread? 'jokes but not jokes' perhaps? I dunno' Mr. Cat - make up something just 2 hastle me as always. I think I'm gonna' cry :(

Hail Satan!

government_pictures.jpg
 
Green Thumbs...

A very beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a stroll she came upon a handsome gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

She asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself, and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed, she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
 
A George W. Bush Christmas Carol

One night, George W. Bush was awakened in the White House by the ghost of George Washington.

President Bush asked the ghost, "Mr. Washington, sir, what is the best thing I can do to help the American people?"

"Set an honest and honorable example, George W., just as I did."

The following evening, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appeared before Bush in the dark bedroom.

"Mr. Jefferson, sir," George W. asked, "what is the best thing I can do to
help the American people?"

"Preserve the land for future generations and stay out of foreign affairs."

Bush wasn't sleeping well the next night and saw yet another figure moving in the shadows.

It was the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.

"Mr. Lincoln, sir, what is the best thing I can do to help the American people?" George W. asked.

Lincoln replied, "Go see a play."
 
One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting on the sand close to the ocean. There was a romantic, full moon, when Pedro said, "Hey, mamacita, let's play Weeweechu."

"Oh no, not now... let's look at the moon" said Rosita. "Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Pedro begged.

"But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon."

"Please, corazoncita, just once, play Weeweechu with me."

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, "OK, one time, we'll play Weeweechu."

.........................................

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

Weeweechu a Merry Christmas
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas
Weeweechu a Merry Christmas
and a Happy New Year.
 
GHETTO SPELLIN' BEE

GHETTO SPELLIN' BEE
Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader.
This is Leroy's homework assignment.
He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence .

1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody.

2. Dictate - My girlfriend say my dictate good.

3. Catacomb - I saw Don King at da fight the other night.
Man, somebody get that catacomb!

4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.

5. Rectum - I had two Cadillacs, but my bitch rectum both.

6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment
they gonna send me back to the joint.

7. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis.

8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He say, "Bullshit, that watch israel."

9. Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.

10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the poolhall.

11. Iraq - When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle iraq, you break.

12. Stain - My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain for dinner?"

13. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say "fortify."

14. Income - I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.

Furthering your education with Today's Ebonic word:
Today's word is : "OMELETTE" Let us use it in a sentence.

"I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide."
 
Medical Insurance Explained

Medical Insurance Explained



This, of course, will be augmented by the new Medicare Drug "plan."


MEDICAL INSURANCE EXPLAINED (Research done by the AARP Legal Department)

Q. What does HMO stand for?

A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "HEY MOE." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eye.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors in the plan. The doctors basically fall into two categories--those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don't worry, the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day's drive away and a diploma from a third world country.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A. No. Only those you need.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?

A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Q What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
-------------------------------------------------------
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?

A. Poke yourself in the eye.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Q. What if I'm away from home and I get sick?

A. You really shouldn't do that.
-------------------------------------------------------
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his/her office?

A. Hard to say, but considering that all your risking is the $20 co-payment, there's no harm in giving it a shot.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Q. Will health care be different in the next century?

A. No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.
 
Hey that's funny and it's the truth (HMO) and the spellin' bee! Good stuff there Matthew funny and educational!!:)
 
Weddings and traditions

Weddings and traditions

The Wedding

A Jewish Wedding. A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their rabbi for counseling. The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.

The man asks, "Rabbi, we realize it's tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception. But, we'd like your permission to dance together, like the rest of the world."

"Absolutely not," says the rabbi. "It's immodest. Men and women always dance separately."

"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?" "No," answered the rabbi. "It's forbidden."

"Well, okay," says the man, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"

"Of course!," replies the rabbi. "Sex is a mitzvah - a good thing within marriage, to have children!"

"What about different positions?" asks the man.

"No problem," says the rabbi. "It's a mitzvah!"

"Woman on top?" the man asks.

"Sure," says the rabbi. "Go for it! It's a mitzvah!"

"Doggy style?"

"Sure! Another mitzvah!"

"On the kitchen table?"

"Yes, yes! A mitzvah!"

"Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?"

"You may indeed. It's all a mitzvah!"

"Can we do it standing up?"

"No." says the rabbi."

"Why not?" asks the man.

"Could lead to dancing."
 
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